nude beaches are out, nude libraries are in
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Her: How often do you think about the Roman Empire
Me: Almost never.
Her: Oh that’s a relief.
Me: (goes back to thinking about the Romulan Empire)
Me: We are underbudget this month!
Dog: *eats kid’s retainers*
The irony of the gay pride flag is that it clashes with everything.
Husband: Let’s try to spend a little less money this Christmas, ok?
Me: *dog sleeping in a custom manger. Ok.
Never confuse a colostomy bag with a whoopie cushion.
Totally ruined Grandpa’s 90th birthday.
Reminds me of the old Steven Wright joke about a baby with a diary. “Day 1: Still tired from the move. Day 2: Everybody talks to me like I’m an idiot”
Her: Did you turn the iron off before you left? Over.
Me: *in a ship streaking through the endless vacuum of space* …Dammit. Over.
Brain: I’m manifesting abundance.
Body: here’s another chin
I respect every moose for having two giant high-fives growing out of his head.
TREE: [sees christmas tree thru window] who dose he think he is. all dressed up. too good to be outside
ANOTHER TREE: be nice, he is dying
Tie a scarf around your doorknob so Amazon knows your Husband is home and to come back later.
im 7 sauces long
Hamburger Hinderer.
I guess the guy who named the space between stuff in the universe “space” was just tired.
4: I didn’t know lizards were cold
6:
4:
6: BLIZZards
Save us all the headache of buying my kids more toys.
Just give me money and I’ll put it on the floor & trip on it before pocketing it.
Treat your relationships as you would your teeth, daily attention and they could last a lifetime, too bad the same can’t be said for hair.
Good morning babe! Do you like good girls? [Starts making you breakfast] or bad girls [burns the toast]
Him: How did you get in my house?
I’m not sure, but if I died in your arms tonight, that makes you a suspect. At the very least.
Carrot cake is both my favorite carrot and my least favorite cake.
when all you have is a rotisserie everything looks like a chicken
Hell yeah I wanna save a draft of that unaddressed email with nothing in the body.
Wife: The police are here asking about a break in at the pet store
Me from within a pile of puppies: Tell them I’m not here.
if it smells like bullshit & looks like bullshit, it probably is bullshit. Putting sugar on it doesn’t make it a brownie.
INVENTOR OF GLUE: I bet if we melt that horse we could use it to stick stuff to other stuff.
TIM: Dude…is everything okay at home?
Man: Is there a doctor in the house?
Dr: I have a PHD in literature
Man: This man is having a heart attack!
Dr: Thou know’st ’tis common; all that lives must die…
Me: Are you mad at me?
Wife: Eventually.
I’d like to make my hangover regret me for once.
apparently this year was written by stephen king
when i say i like when older men tell me what to do i am talking about yoda and his teachings