nude beaches are out, nude libraries are in
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I’ll never understand why people buy dogs from breeders when growing your own is free and far more rewarding.
*applies for million dollar grant to test scientific theory*
What’s your theory?
That money can buy happiness.
We never got the wreath, but we put up the hanger. This shows intent.
Me and my mates are in a band called duvet.
We’re a cover band
[first day as a hairdresser]
customer: can you take off a foot?
me: *sharpening axe* no problem
Guitar dude: here’s wonderwall
Clumsy dude: here’s blunderwall
Pirate dude: here’s plunderwall
Thor dude: here’s thunderwall
Store dude: here’s refunderwall
Escaping dude: here’s underwall
Blue dude: here’s undertheweatherwall
Overheard: “He’s a good guy. He’s a fine attorney. He’s got three goats.”
me: [pooping in a basket]
hot air balloon pilot: ok everyone out.
What if Bing is just a guy in his office Googling stuff for you and doing his best
If this can be a salad, you can be anything.
Return of the Jedi is not possible without the receipt of the Jedi.
This meeting could have been an email. That email could have been a fistfight in the alley
Kids really be like, it’s too much work to load the dishwasher but let me try to balance this plate on top of this 2 foot stack of glasses, pots and pans in the sink
Me, taking my clothes off at a crematorium: So, where’s the sauna?
Maybe it’s time for a second child. The first one isn’t getting as many likes on Facebook now.
OMG the land line just rang
OMG we still have a land line
Why stop at 7-layer dip? Make it 15 layers. 25. Go nuts. There is literally no one policing this.
Seekh Kebab
Not attention
Emma Stone is my girlfriend. Nobody tell her, though. I want it to be a surprise.
Yes we left some guests inside the park last night. yes we’re going back for them. Calm down
We’re all controlled by the bots and algorithms. Except you, your thoughts and opinions are completely original. 🙂
Pronounces Canada like armada and i’m not from there so obviously i’m not sorry.
It’s only my second day picking up my son from pre-school, and I’ve already learned the best question to ask if you want more than a one-word answer: Did anyone get in trouble today?
And in other news, a unicorn attack leaves 12 dead, 42 injured, 6 pretty rainbows
winter should be a week maybe two. ride the high of the holidays and go out with a bang— this whole overstaying its welcome thing is a bad look
I don’t really ask for much, just good health and happiness. Oh, and a tater tot as big as my head.
I’d joined kids karate to crush them; I hadn’t thought of their strength in numbers. They were piling on like Gremlins. This was happening.