nude beaches are out, nude libraries are in
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Does a UFO remain an UFO once you identify it as a UFO?
I prefer doing arithmetic naked. Means I can count to 21.
my ex said i had a fear of commitment but this 5 gallon jar of Costco olives says otherwise
me: anything interesting happen today?
my 8yo: I finally got a booger out of my nose that’s been there since I was 5.
I don’t get the objection to gays adopting.
Simba was adopted by two guys & I think everybody would agree he turned out to be quite badass.
Ruby Tuesday lures you in with the promise of “bottomless fries” but then escorts you out with “you have to wear pants in here”.
Some generations will never know having to drive by someone’s house to see if they’re home.
[Mom]: My son’s voice is changing
[Dr.]: Thats normal at his age
[Mom]: This is normal?
*fax machine noises are coming from the kid’s mouth*
55% of all country music songs in the ’70s described the tightness of someone’s jeans
I can’t believe we live in a world where people actually pay money to run in a race.
Pay me $50 and I’ll make your life a living hell for an afternoon without the cardio.
maybe my uterus is haunted, or maybe there’s an actual shark up there
Maid of Honor speeches shouldn’t end with, “I’ll see you all at her next one.” I know that now.
If you have a tattoo on your head, you’ve lost the right to ask me what I’m looking at.
After my third trip to the grocery store to buy ingredients for our ice cream maker it hit me — they sell ice cream at the grocery store.
I forgot the word confetti so I just said jazz hands graffiti
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Show him Edna..
[mum stops slicing carrots]
*starts violently gagging until a baby slides out her mouth*
Priorities
If your 6-year-old suddenly runs to assure you in the kitchen that his napping toddler brother is “JUST FINE,” you can be sure that he has tiny dinosaur figurines stacked high on his forehead as he sleeps.
[start of interview]
Me: hi sir nice to meet you *i go to shake is hand but spill his coffee everywhere*
Interviewer: …welcome to BP
I will never forget the time that I helped interview a man for a job opening and when he was asked what he would contribute to the team he said “probably snacks”
My personal favorite unit of measurement is whether or not something is considered “a big whoop”
Here is my toddler homeschooling schedule. Any questions?
8-10am: frozen
10-12pm: frozen 2
*lunch*
1-3: frozen
3-5:frozen 2
*dinner*
6-8pm: frozen
*bed*
i’m kinda confused by all the hbo max tweets. i thought we agreed to be poor together
[Weights bench at the gym]
ME: …327…328…329…
PERSONAL TRAINER: Can you please stop counting ceiling tiles and do some exercise
someone brought a box of lemons to work and emailed out saying “there’s lemons” and now every one has a lemon on their desk. why
I’m sorry but I CANNOT believe that the verified Nickelodeon TikTok posted this
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
socratic questions
Today my 7 year-old came into the room crying. I asked him what happened and he said that his 5 year-old brother put 80 cows in his house in Minecraft while he was offline and that it was “entirely too many cows” and honest to christ I have no idea how to parent any of this.
I don’t trust kids as far as I can throw them. Currently my record for trusting a kid is 6 feet 11-1/4 inches.