nude beaches are out, nude libraries are in
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At no single point in the Bible does it tell you not to sell drugs
Having a panic attack thinking about how there’s somebody in Australia standing directly under me
Watermelons are just overweight diabetic cucumbers
I don’t mean to brag but I’m one of the reasons they installed emergency stop clips on gym treadmills
[pointing to a gravestone]
I’ll have what HE’S having!
GUY: my new boss is gay
ME: my new bed sheets are warm
GUY: [clearly frustrated] what does that have to do with anything?
ME: exactly
Her: do you have protection?
MacGyver: *rummaging through her kitchen junk drawer* give me like 5 minutes
She didn’t understand so I took her hands & looked in her eyes & said “I know this is a Starbucks but I just want plain black coffee idiot.”
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
A heart-shaped pizza just means less pizza and that’s not a sacrifice I’m willing to make for love.
*Werewolf about to eat me*
Me: I hope I give you meat sweats.
i now pronounce you bounced.
You know you’ve just had lunch with a narcissist when your neck is stiff from nodding.
God: go forth and multiply
Me: I was told there would be no math.
I found toothpaste on my comb, door and pet tortoise and now I’m reconsidering teaching my child about good oral hygiene.
[space launch]
ASTRONAUT: houston we have a problem
ME: *elbows him* lol we’re gonna get mooned
ASTRONAUT: *sighs* houston we have two problems
I accidentally bought the “Extra Long Super Pads with Wings” this month and I think that’s why I have dry eyes.
Me when the waiter asks if there’s room for dessert
*Sweeping the floor
Lower back: “Time to go out!”
Brain: “Wait, why? We’re not doing anything the least bit strenuous!”
Lower Back: “Dunno, we just gotta”
*cries hunchbackedly
Just flipped my mattress, should have woke up my wife first
How about daylight saves us for once
every coat is a fur coat when your cat sleeps on it
*holds flashlight under chin*
“…and then the typo appears, AFTER you hit send!!”
*everyone screams in horror*
Got caught by three red lights on my way home and now my avocados are bad
My wife’s story about her day had 18 sub plots, two false finishes, buried the lead and introduced a new character in the third act.
[playing poker]
“I’m all in”
*slowly pushes a half-eaten burrito and a cat to middle of the table*
flea markets are crazy. an old woman will be like “this pendant belonged to my grandfather who forged it himself during the great war. it’s yours for $3.”
TRAIN’S HERE
I got a T-shirt with an Ouija board printed on the back and now I get free massages from superstitious people.
Did I remember to take Ambien? I’ll ask my lamp. He’s speaking German but maybe I’ll get the gist.