nude beaches are out, nude libraries are in
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you stereotypes are all alike
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
jesus f****** christ i suppose we have to do this shit again
i mean good morning
posted the “what are my red flags” thing on instagram and not a single person replied. just as i suspected, i am perfect.
I’m not particularly good at playing hide-and-seek with children because I have no desire to find them.
*Packing for a trip*
Maybe I’ll bring my workout gear. I mean I haven’t worked out in 5 years but I might start on this trip.
The real world does feel a bit like the state of Batman comics right now.
You beat one grinning evil, two more show up, and while you’re fighting them, the first one is resurrected and pretty soon you’re banging the cat lady.
In case you needed to hear it:
When your name is Jenn & people think it’s short for Jennifer, but it’s really short for Jennatalia.
I don’t call myself pesky for nothing
dove: don’t poop on a nun…don’t poop on a nun…*poops* dammit
I had to call some kid’s mom last night to tell her he’s selling pot, and that it’s waaay overpriced.
Me: wow I can’t believe these were only 2 dollars, they look like such good quality nobody will ever know they weren’t expensive!
Someone: oh wow nice pants
Me (beaming with pride): THEY WERE 2 DOLLARS
waiter: “have we decided yet sir?”
me: [after practicing saying gnocchi to myself for 15 minutes] “the margarita pizza please”
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
New research reveals that “the printer’s not working” is the third most common English phrase, right behind “thank you” and “go f*** yourself”
drive-thru worker: would you like to make that large?
me: haha no thanks i need you to make it
i don’t understand all these newfangled apps. like “phone”
Find out where your enemy lives and release 10,000 woodpeckers in his neighborhood.
Fly restaurant:
Waiter, there’s a man in my soup
Jellyfish husband: I have to work again this weekend.
Jellyfish wife: Just tell your boss he can’t force you to do this every weekend.
Jellyfish husband: You know I can’t do that.
Jellyfish wife: Oh FFS grow a spi…
Jellyfish husband: GROW A WHAT LINDA
safety message: make your coffee before assisting others with their coffee
If I was pregnant and people asked when I was due I would say what do you mean
[meeting Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson at Comic-Con]
THE ROCK: You want me to autograph your jar of pickles?
ME: What? No, I want you to open it for me.
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any references?
ME: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
INTERVIEWER: What?
ME: *leans in really close* That’s a Star Wars reference.
Play the long game? You mean Monopoly?
interviewer: please, sit down
me: thank you
interviewer: not on my lap
When my cousin came out as gay, his parents wanted him to see a psychiatrist.
Which is too bad.
Cuz he was already seeing a handsome lawyer.
My 3-year-old’s favorite game is Restaurant which just entails her putting on a chef’s hat and me ordering dessert and no matter what I order she says, “We don’t have that.”
For the well-being of our marriage, my wife and I have separate Amazon accounts.