Nude Descending a Staircase is both my favorite work of art and the most common entry on my criminal records.
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*on a first date*
Me: I’m in financ-
Her: oh finance that’s cool
Me: ial debt. Crippling financial debt
In-laws are coming over for lunch, which leaves me just enough time to buy a better house, master a new career and develop a less antagonistic personality. Wish me luck!
This will be my last writing as I’ve just entered IKEA with my family.
Tell my story.
No, not that one.
No, not that one either. Why would I want you to tell people about my time in a Turkish prison with a pregnant meerkat? Idiot.
Whenever I see people my age with babies I’m like “aw they must have had a teenage pregnancy” and then I remember that I’m in my 30s.
Bread pudding is not a dessert. it is just wet bread. do not fall for this scam. Resist.
Hip-Hop & Dancing go hand & hand for my generation.
me: what’s your favorite part of fall?
4: jumping in piles of leaves
me: that’s fun. do you like anything else?
4: money
I put my pants on just like the rest of you, when the popo tells me to.
Actually, until you cut into it it’s chocolate *magma* cake. If you could just bring me a menu with the proper nomenclature that’d be great.
Programmed Siri to respond to any request with “That’s what she said.”
What I say: Maybe.
What my kid hears: Yes. Definitely yes. Pinky promise. Blood oath. It was written in the stars 11 billion years ago.
Actually officer, if you factor in the earth’s rotation, we were all speeding
addams family is funny because it was meant as a subversion of regular western family values, and so the wife and husband both like eachother
Some of your neighbors’ doors are too sophisticated to be unlocked with a credit card. For everything else, there’s MasterCard®.
I’m out of tweets so I’m recycling some of my most dope MySpace status updates.
Should I be worried that buzzards circle me when I go for a run?
Saw a sign that read “Free Coupons”.
What I want to know is what kind of terrorist would hold coupons captive in the first place?
9 had to write three facts on sea animals for homework and the first fact she reported was, “Many people start fan clubs for sea otters,” so hopefully the next assignment incorporates some gentle reminders on fact-checking.
I don’t know who needs to hear this*, but vinegar isn’t a condiment
*The British. The British need to hear this
Me when the batteries in my tv remote die: I must replace you instantly
Me when the batteries in my smoke alarm die: how do I disable this useless piece of shit
Me: You’re not like other girls.
3-year-old: *continues looking for the right Barbie to fight her dinosaurs*
WIFE: wtf did u spend $13,000 on at walmart?
ME: [brushing my zebra] he just walked by the scanner and i couldn’t put him back
My wife and I are in a fight so I just looked her right in the eyes and folded a towel in fourths.
Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye is like Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye.
Make your own bacon by tricking 30-50 feral hogs into running headlong through a harp.
when i hear fat people say that they’ve made mistakes, i always think to myself, “yeaa…at the grocery store.”
I woke up with tons of motivation to go back to sleep.
Of all the cheeses, sharp cheddar is the most difficult to deceive.
My mother-in-law came over and made me dinner, and now I’m wondering if I should have married her instead.
Me: ‘Can I offer you something to drink?’
Waiter: ‘I’m sorry?’
Me: ‘I know, it’s weird right? Now you try.’