Nudes are overrated. You should probably just send me a picture of those little plastic swipy things in your wallet.
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Get married so when you pour your heart out, someone is always there to say, ‘what?’
The home invasion ruined us. We never stood a chance against the houses.
Those who do not learn from history are destined to repeat it.
But I guess the same can be said for math and geography courses.
You know the saying “if at first you don’t succeed, try, try again”? Yeah, that doesn’t work when vacuuming up a pancake.
I thought “ghosting” was when you slowly tricked someone you didn’t like into thinking their apartment was haunted until they moved far away
I saw a product for cars today called “Rapid Odor Removal,” and everyone who buys it should be put on an FBI watchlist.
how do they know an animal is extinct like??? u looked everywhere????
Stop telling people to cut toxic relationships out of their lives! I’m starting to run out of friends you guys.
Customer: did you know that when octopuses get mad they throw things at one another?
Me, slowly suspecting my ex might have been an octopus: you don’t say…
Today is the 10th anniversary of the day I made deep and sustained eye contact with a very beautiful woman on the train and later when I got to work I saw I had a big wad of rice stuck to the rim of my glasses 🙏
“How many dead bodies do I have to leave on the porch before they acknowledge me?”
-Cats
I’ve had some terrible ideas but never “chili restaurant in an airport” bad
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Sometimes, when I’m washing my hair with coconut shampoo, I close my eyes and picture being on a remote tropical island, being cooked in a giant pot by canibals.
Paul is coming over tonight
Paul smith or Paul who puts ketchup on everything?
[car pulls into driveway covered in ketchup]
Logged into Facebook.
‘Happiness is like a butterfly….’
Logged out of Facebook.
I’ll be providing your mandatory security training today. “Stop clicking things!”
4: What does antique mean?
Me: It means old-
4: Oh…like you?
Reason number 25827644 to pat your toddler down before putting in the car.
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I’d rather fork than spoon.
For $60, I will lift the curse. For $75, I will lift the curse & also get bagels.
If the vaccine gives me any superpower, I hope that it is the ability to find my car in a parking lot
stages of moving house
1. omg i have so much stuff i’m so stressed
2. wait i don’t have that much left i’ll be fine
3. omg i have way more stuff than i thought
4. fuck. the kitchen
My husband has officially reached peak dad status.
Driving through Sequoia National Park and he turned the radio off so everyone could see.
The Dow fell 500 points last night, indicating that the start of the Halloween season has investors spooked
Cop: You been drinking?
Me: No.
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards.
Me: Alphabet the.
Cop: Hilarious. Say each letter.
Me: Each letter.
Why isn’t there an egg flavored Gatorade you cowards?
me: *donates two bucks to guy outside gas station*
guy: *takes off mask to reveal he’s actually wikipedia* i got you i finally got you
We talk a big game for a species that has a favourite cup
[a mass poisoning of football players]
detective 1: I think there was mercury in the Gatorade
detective 2: Johnson, this is no time for your stupid astrology mumbo-jumbo
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.