Nudes are overrated. You should probably just send me a picture of those little plastic swipy things in your wallet.
You Might Also Like
Boss: I don’t want to be disturbed today.
Me: I don’t want to be disturbed either yet here we are.
“I’m not like other girls,” I say, clacking my pinchers and scuttling back into the murky lagoon.
The opposite of a backhanded compliment is a blessing in diss guise.
If you are trading Cephalopods, it’s important that you exchange those that are of equal size and value.
You know….
Squid Pro Quo
7-ELEVEN CUSTOMER: Ew! This slurpee machine is full of weird dirt!
MANAGER: Weird dirt? But that means…
*cut to Dracula flailing around in a coffin filled with blue berry blast*
“Hey, will you join us in our street protest?”
No thanks
“Why not?”
I actually love streets
attention murderers, please do not murder me for the next 1 hour and 40 minutes as i am once again watching How To Train Your Dragon
Why do people named Deborah go by “Deb” and never “bruh”
SCIENTISTS: there are only 90 seconds remaining on the doomsday clock
ME: [73 seconds still remaining on my microwave hotdog] c’mon… c’monnn
UK rappers be like “I’ve got a posh flat and my bird is very comely, I own more motors than the marchioness of cholmondeley”
My doctor said I can get back to my college weight if I simply go for a brisk three hundred mile walk each morning.
INVENTOR OF GLUE: I bet if we melt that horse we could use it to stick stuff to other stuff.
TIM: Dude…is everything okay at home?
[Jedi Training]
TRAINER: Any questions?
STUDENT: Can the Force be with me?
TRAINER: I don’t know…CAN it?
STUDENT: Oh right…May the Force
Nothing shows more confidence in humanity that a mom with 4 kids in a drive through not checking the order before she pulls away
Steve Miller: “Some call me the gangster of love.”
Rest of the Steve Miller Band: “Nobody calls him that.”
My first words were, “spank me daddy” because my parents accidentally set up the baby monitors backwards.
you begin to tell your eye doctor that you’ve been seeing “floaters” when he gets a strange look on his face and begins to rise
Kinda feel like this is just the razzle dazzle my resume needs.
I was just adoringly watching my dog sleep and he woke up and caught me and now he thinks I’m some stalker weirdo.
My wife takes 13 bikinis for a 4-day beach trip. Meanwhile, I’m rocking the swimming trunks my mom bought at K-Mart in 1991.
*wearing five finger condoms on both hands* ok time for some safe sexting
Nobody ever writes about Moby Niceguy.
They say that there’s no place for the state in the bedrooms of the nation, and you know what else has no place in the bedrooms of the nation? MALM furniture from IKEA or my cousin Steve.
[poking you repeatedly in the shoulder] I’ll keep this up until you acknowledge me. I’ve got nowhere else to be.
Is there anything more embarassing than saying you are logging out for awhile only to return ten minutes later? No.
Will that stop me from doing it? Also no.
Kinda hungry but my bowels still haven’t figured out what to do about yesterday.
She believed she could so she did and now I have a meeting with her teacher and the principal.
when you’re supposed to be in bed but the grown-ups’ dinner party is too loud
Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best