* nudges wife gently awake at 2 AM
I think my Captain America shield comes today.
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Broke my make-up mirror this morning.
I thought people would say 7 yrs of bad luck but mostly it’s been, “Your eyeliner is really crooked.”
one time i hooked up with a guy who had his own recorded music on his sex playlist
[applying for a home loan]
Lender: how much is your car payment
Me: uhh
Lender: what’s your salary before taxes
Me: umm
Lender: do you know anything
Me: *smugly* a group of cats is called a clowder
the Craigslist guy who sold me a bookshelf today showed me all the staples in his stomach from the surgery he just had. But that’s on me for forgetting to ask him to specifically not do that.
Do people who get meal kits shipped to their home know they can have restaurants deliver food that’s already cooked?
the avengers: “the city is saved”
the city:
Monday: Greg
Tuesday: Ian
Wednesday: Greg
Thursday: Ian
Friday: Greg
Gregorian Calendar.
I love when you look into someone’s eyes and you can just see their face light up because they are some sort of cyborg with face lighting.
I’m pretty sure I’m smarter than my cat, but he refuses to take the test.
It unnerves me, because that’s totally what a genius would do…
Those a-hole guys on “Teen Mom” don’t think being a dad is “cool.” Well check me out #Responsibility never looked so “swag! ” lol
During the course of some 36 films, did it ever occur to anyone that maybe Godzilla deserves a “good boy” once in a while?
Read someone say, “just had a Starbucks lemon water with sugar Yumm!”
I never claimed to have an IQ higher than the temperature inside a refrigerator but I believe that’s called lemonade..
“This may be our 85th viewing of this movie, but we’ll watch it as intently as if it was only our 23rd”
-Toddlers
How times have changed.
This one time, I got kicked out of the audience of “Cats” on Broadway for bringing a laser pointer.
How did girls text before emojis?
Hey I can’t wait to see you tonight! PARTY HAT MARTINI GLASS NOISEMAKER BEER MUG CAT DOG SUNGLASSES POOP
Underrated benefit of being a divorce lawyer in a small town: I have a trusted mechanic, roofer, hairdresser, nurse practitioner, painter, veterinarian, and plumber that I can dial up in any emergency.
“I’d hit that”
-old people who drive
A shoemaker called yesterday and yelled at me because I hadn’t picked up the boots he repaired. It’s been one week. He said they’ve been there since October. (They haven’t.) I said, “WHY ARE YOU YELLING AT ME?” He said he yelled at all his customers.
[shark therapy]
“My girl dumped me & I haven’t eaten in days”There’s lots of fish in the sea
“Yeah but…actually that covers everything”
the time my hedgehog fell into the Chuck E. Cheese ball pit
them: do you promise to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you god?
me: finger quotes sure
Can anyone live in a sewer or do you have to be a clown or a Ninja Turtle
Can I go out and do drugs tonight dad?
EXCUSE ME?!
*sighs* MAY I go out and do drugs tonight dad
*snaps newspaper* that’s better
*Werewolves spot a group of teens smoking pot around a campfire*
Werewolf 1: Edibles!
hey friend,
the list of things you texted me that you’d do for a Klondike bar has me concernedlet’s talk
When I think how often I drop things on my feet, my childhood dream of owning a Lightsaber may have been catastrophic
Just found out this city has an indoor trampoline place and I just figured out where my next medical bill is coming from
I love birthdays! My boyfriend rented a special hotel room for us to fight in.
me: god I need a break from work
God: [creates pandemic]
me: not like that