Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

what did I do this weekend? saw 50 Shades Darker & coughed through the whole movie on purpose

You can tell a lot about a person just by noticing how they continue to talk after you’ve sighed six or seven times.

Them: who ya gonna call

Me: ghostbusters

Them: sweet, what’s the number

Me: they didn’t say

girls will be like “this is my comfort movie” and it’s texas chainsaw massacre.

It’s true. Parents that use drugs, have kids that use drugs. So, there’s an important lesson here…

Don’t have kids.

Am I perfect? No.
Am I trying to be a better person? Definitely not.

Phone: Swipe for Face ID.
Me: [swipe]
Phone: I don’t recognize you.
Me: [smiles]
Phone: I still don’t recognize you.
Me: [holds bag of chips in front of my face]
Phone: oh okay there you are

ready to be harvested

The real world does feel a bit like the state of Batman comics right now.

You beat one grinning evil, two more show up, and while you’re fighting them, the first one is resurrected and pretty soon you’re banging the cat lady.

When grocery shopping, I only buy foods that can also be used as a weapon. Cantaloupe is a good example of this.

It’s so hot outside, Kermit just replaced Miss Piggy’s sunscreen with honey glaze

No one:
Cats: When they say “get off” ignore them, we’re cats.

Searching for your soulmate could take years. Making a slice of toast takes minutes.

I don’t want to say my wife and I are lazy, but we finally folded laundry yesterday and half the clothes don’t fit us anymore.

Yes, Kiddo drank her carrot juice, if by “drank,” we mean surreptitiously pouring it into my Boston fern.

Things that go bump in the night except it’s me sneaking back in from the pub.

A panic attack is hearing your teens laughing in another room at the same time you can’t find your phone.

How do I delicately tell my toddler that her birthday is actually 254 days away and not tomorrow like she says it is? With a cake? Maybe some balloons?? A few new toys wrapped in wrapping paper???

Sometimes, I feel like everything is garbage & I get overwhelmed but then I imagine how I’d feel if I was a raccoon and suddenly, being surrounded by garbage isn’t so bad. In fact, by raccoon standards, being surrounded by garbage is actually great. Life is about perspective.

I got arrested for downloading the whole Wikipedia website.

I told the detective, “Wait! I can explain everything!”

Before YouTube, people had to travel to music video shoots to argue about Hitler

If I was a little smarter I’d be aware of how stupid I am.

All those years of school never taught me the most important life lesson. Green gummy bears are strawberry flavored.

And in that moment, she decided to stand up for herself

Never again would she do what Simon said

If, I, want to, put, a comma, there, then, I will put, the comma, there.

I threw some bird seed on my lawn earlier and now there are dozen of them out there which is amazing because I thought it would take ages for them to grow

Me: *nude in class* This is all just a dream

Professor: That’s him, officers

she FINALLY texted me after 16 hours now i will make her wait 45 seconds

Welcome to your 50s. You used to be a lot taller.

Look kids, you can talk to me about anything, any time, it’s important you know you can tell me anything, but, for the love of God, stop snitching on your brother.