Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When you’re cutting wrapping paper and your scissors start to glide is what I imagine heroin feels like.

My 7-year-old told me she wants a pet chinchilada. Do I find this at the pet store or a Mexican restaurant?

What’s a good wedding gift that says “Congratulations!” but also subtly says “I really liked your first wife better”?

I wash my whites separately but what do I do with the shirt I was wearing while eating spaghetti.

HR: for the last time, stop using air quotes when referring to your boss

Me: “ok”

You can’t scare me, I grew up on ‘80s horror movies and still took a job as a camp counselor on a lake.

Summer is the perfect time to collect shells on the beach. The 20 gauge ones are especially pretty, although you can’t beat a good 45 mm.

I had my demons exercised and they became quite large and intimidating demons, so I guess spelling is nine tenths of the law of possession.

I feel like people just come to the airport to cough

These are my roll models.

*watching my wife’s bra moving up and down on the floor by itself*

ME: Hon, wtf?

HER: push up bra

Put the mosquitoes in charge of vaccine distribution do I have to think of everything around here

Me, a pilot:

“Folks, we’re about to head into some turbulence as I just discovered my co-pilot is dating my ex. Fasten your seatbelts”

Luke: You could hide anywhere in the galaxy and you picked a swamp?

Yoda: Afford anything nicer, I couldn’t. Shitty credit, I have.

Celebrity divorce statements remind us of the names they gave their kids. “We want to focus on raising our children, Shoe and Turbo Pickle.”

DR. FRANKENSTEIN: I’m just saying, it’s a very misleading flyer

BODY BUILDING COMPETITION JUDGE: again, we can only apologise

Petition to change the “there’s a train approaching the station, please stand away from the platform edge” announcement to “oh lawd she comin”

girls love us tall guys but as soon as we use our height to “constantly slam dunk on them and their loved ones” they stop replying to texts

Hostage: *screaming*

Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!

Me: *still trying to find the end of the tape on the roll*

A pet hedgehog. Because you don’t have enough pricks in your life.

*pregnant wife wakes up*
I think my water broke
*I hide the Kool-Aid packet and water jug I spilled in bed*
Let’s go to the hospital

Me: there there. No need for ugly crying

Him: I’m not crying

Took my son to his friend’s birthday party yesterday. It was great until we arrived and I realised the party is next weekend.

earth: I’m dying

humans: I’m sorry you feel that way

The only way my mother-in-law would approve of our Christmas tree is if I were hanging from it.

Playing car dealership with my son, we rearranged the lot.

I was told that I could have anything as long as I applied myself, but the loan officer at my bank begs to differ.

Me: *buys item from online retailer*

Online Retailer: WE ARE MARRIED NOW

Yes, I wear this shirt a lot. It’s my shirt that I purchased and I own a washing machine. Amazing.