[nudging the person next to me on the bus until they remove their earbuds]
hey i think i saw a horse a couple miles back
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If being bad at grammar is a crime than arrest me.
ME: it’s time for bed
*3 ducks excitedly appear at my window*
ME: bed guys, B E D
*3 ducks dejectedly disappear from my window*
TWITTER: Do you want to see this?
ME: No, never
TWITTER: Ok
ME: Good
TWITTER: You will see this less often
I really don’t get enough praise for someone who doesn’t need validation from others.
Such a double standard between men & women, like when men have sex with lots of women they’re “players,” but when I do it I’m a “lesbian.”
How to dress when you are a woman over forty:
1. Be a woman over forty
2. Put your clothes on
I want a “refrigerataur.” Half horse, half refrigerator. I could ride it AND eat from it which is just plain sensible we are in a recession.
Sorry dinner took so long! My son wanted to help and he had never used a can opener, so…the tuna casserole took about six hours longer than it should have. But he learned so much in that time.
Bon appetit!
Them: Your body is your friend.
Me: Friends don’t wake you up at 4am.
Bees always go straight for your Coke can because their Mom doesn’t let them have sugary drinks at home.
My husband gets me to scream his name by doing his signature move of not leaving any toilet paper in the bathroom.
If anyone were to look at my bathroom they’d be positive some kind of a struggle took place.
But nope, it was just me getting ready.
my kid wanted me to play but i was tired so i told her to make a friend so she drew a face on a balloon and named him green greevy and now i have to get him snacks too and thats how i got played by a four year old
As a little girl I dreamt of being Belle so I could have that beautiful yellow gown- As a grown woman I want to be Belle so I can be locked away in an enchanted castle where the dishes clean themselves.
Alligators can live for up to 100 years.
So that increases the chance that one will indeed “see you later.”
damn he’s good
GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: An ostrich.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a runnin’ bird.
ANGEL: I think you need a break dude
How do books end up in a prison library? Do they have to do something bad like giving someone a papercut?
If I’m extra friendly and super sweet when I see you again, it’s cause I’ve forgotten your name
I’ve got some sick beats.
No. Really. I need to take them to a doctor. The antibiotics aren’t working.
Anyone who believes in cyber-bullying is a huge pussy.
I think I’m about six months away from the perfect ‘before’ picture.
Ooh. Remove card RAPIDLY, not RABIDLY. I think I owe the lady at pump 2 an apology.
I have a hard time believing that bears made porridge & the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
[LUNCH INTERVIEW]
“Our office attire is formal, is that ok?”
*I adjust my tie and the little tie on my corndog*
Sure.
HER: Boxers or briefs?
ME: Depends
HER: Really? But you look so young.
The accuracy #BlowsMyMind
Divorce is never funny. Unless it’s happening to your ex who got engaged six weeks after you broke up.
[the invention of ping pong]
“I don’t want this tiny ball.”
“Well, neither do I.”
“That makes me very angry.”
“Me too.”
word gets around the prison that i’ve been digging a tunnel. one night they follow me down and find me in my ball pit. they don’t seem to understand freedom