Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I think my back is hurt, I can barely get out of bed.

14: Oh that’s too bad. Can you take me to get an iced coffee?

Son: Mom, why are you always showing up at my school on chicken nugget day?

Me: *literally salivating* Here to see you, buddy.

I hate when I think someone’s funny, and then they tweet a joke I saw on a baby onesie advertised on instagram. you tricked me

You can either have a nice evening or you can help your child with their math homework.

You can’t have both.

Me: it’s not you, I just don’t like talking on the phone, I’m super awkward oh god, u think I’m weird for saying that don’t u
911 operator: ma’am is he still stabbing u

My toddler’s plan for today is to ‘throw snowballs at all the peoples’ so I’m really looking forward to picking her up from daycare later

H: What’s for breakfast?

M: I’m having potatoes and orange juice. *sips juice*

H: Great, when are you making potatoes?

M: They’re in my orange juice.

I gave my wife a tip how she could wash the dishes better.

On a side note, Dawn detergent is really starting to make my hands more soft.

Ladies, if he:
– doesn’t introduce you to his parents
– never calls you back
– has four feet
– smells like potato chips
– could easily be mistaken for a loaf of bread

that’s my pug, you’re dating my pug

Thank God I wasn’t on twitter when I was in college. It would’ve taken me 65 years to get my degree.

[as i lay on the couch doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day]

me: *looks at my cat doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day* oh to be a cat. eating and sleeping all day

my wife preps for bed with a routine of reading, aromatherapy & no screen time

i prep for bed by only sleeping 3 hours the night before

i would simply not board a british passenger liner that was poorly captained and about to sideswipe an iceberg

“Well gentlemen… the steaks are high.”

*two steaks giggle*

“Hehehe omfg he totally knows, man…”

god: here are the animals

man: [pointing to horse] i’m making that one wear shoes

Me: If I eat another bite, I’ll explode

Mom: More pie?

Me:

Mom:

Me:

Mom:

Me: Yes, obviously

It’ll have to be a closed-casket funeral.

Obama: Wave at the people, Joe.

Biden: IMMA POINT AT’EM

Obama: Please just wave.

Biden:

I told my tween son to spend 10 minutes cleaning his room. He then attempted to convince me for the next 20 minutes he was too busy to clean his room.

I only put one eye on my snowman. That way, if it ever comes to life, the lack of depth perception will give me a tactical advantage.

I hate when I’m in line for the bathroom and someone asks if I’m in line, like I look like a dude who just waits outside of bathrooms.

After three days of uncontrolled laughing, random face slapping, and running into the ocean in ball gowns, I threw away my Dior perfume.

–

Me: *Sweeping*

Wife: Excuse me

Me: *Slams broom on floor* YOU SHALL NOT PASS

Wife: …

Me: That’s from lord of

Wife: MOVE!

Me: *Moves*

yes, those are my real potatoes.

“…anyway, long story short” bro, you’ve been talking for 53 minutes

him: omg i love these *leans in* Alexa, what day is it?

still him: oh dude, that’s my bong

Time flies when you duct tape an alarm clock to a pelican.

My phone got an “extreme cold” alert that said to check on the elderly, and like 5 minutes later the kids next door checked on me. Brutal.

Ichabod Crane in the streets the headless horseman in the sheets

Me: ” I’m gonna wrap my bear legs around your head”
Him: ” You mean bare?”
*Me looking at my untouched razor*
“Nope”