Nuff said? No seriously, what did Nuff say?
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Wait…you said JAZZ hands? Oh god. I totally misheard you. Please get me a towel.
I hit my daily fruit intake yesterday by eating all the fruit garnishments in and on my drinks
Worst part of a corporate job is no tips. Someone should slip you a $20 if you write a killer email
Today, I got gas for $1.59/gallon…
Unfortunately, it was from Taco Bell.
At this stage of my life, “Good in Bed” means not snoring or stealing the covers.
Nothing works harder than my sports bra when I’m chasing the ice cream truck.
People who find your stuff, then claim it’s theirs:
1. Colonialists
2. Sisters
[armed robbery]
gf: pls babe he has a gun, this isn’t the time to mess around, just call the cops
me: no. *pulls out deck of yu-gi-oh cards* i have to trust the heart of the cards
robber: you should’ve listened to your little girlfriend, kid
*pulls a deck out of his gun*
Why do girls keep giving me their fax numbers?
“Needs to be punchier” — someone who has no idea what they want and wants you to figure it out
Wife: Why is there a charge for $3,000 to Men’s Warehouse?
Me: I have no idea. Don’t go outside tho
*at the end of a 3 day weekend*
Me: I will miss the kids when they go back to school tomorrow, I wish we had more time
The universe: here is a snow delay
Me: no, not like that
If Pringles really wanted the fun to never stop they’d make those tube things like 5 feet long.
What do you call a factory that makes okay products?
A satisfactory.
Eating vegetables after a failed attempt at picking up your shirt with your toes.
*whispers* forlorn corn.
I don’t mean to brag but I’m one of the reasons they installed emergency stop clips on gym treadmills
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
“How do you call the police?”
— my 5yo, angry because he can’t have his iPad
I told my husband to tell me I don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm and he had the NERVE to say, “You don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm.”
TRUE STORY
Just made this restaurant change its “All you can drink Brunch” Policy.
[my wife to everyone at the pool party] pls don’t tell him, he’s never known the truth
[me loudly as I jump off the diving board] CABIN BALL
My husband coughing the moment I got the baby to sleep is why spouses are the number one suspect in homicide cases.
ghost of christmas past but it’s just the clothes that used to fit before the pandemic
Thank you corporation very cool
Damn, girl, are you a customer looking for a great deal, because my clothes are 75% off.
If God hates gays so much, why didn’t he put it in the ten commandments? Instead he’s more pissed that you’re jealous of your friend’s PS4
I’m afraid of being murdered but only because they would record my stomach contents.
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with her student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
NURSE: *bursts in* Dr., come quick!
DR DOG: CHRIST, JULIE! Don’t you knock?!?
*hides magazine of sexy Labradoodles being sprayed with hoses*