Nuff said? No seriously, what did Nuff say?
You Might Also Like
Me: haha should I get out and push
Everyone on The Submarine: YES
My house is almost 80 years old, so are some of the spiders, judging by the size of them.
Wife [knocking on bathroom door]: hurry up, we’re meeting my parents in 10 minutes
Me [stepping into bath holding a toaster]: almost ready
political ads are like “i”m the only one strong enough to stand for what’s right” then they send you an email “they’re kicking my ass, i’m desperate, i’m losing this thing, i need your $5”
*throws coin in fountain*
stranger: can you not do that?
Me: just want my wish to come true
S: this is a drinking fountain
m: wish came true
Which herbal tea goes best with heroin?
A shock collar, but for that person who drags out work meetings with stupid questions and comments.
Sometimes I don’t put my glasses on for the first hour of the day bc I’m not ready to see what’s coming
I just violently threw up for 6 minutes and now my coworkers think I’m the lead singer of Creed.
Waiter: How did you find your meal, sir?
Me: Yeah, it was nice.
Waiter: That’s not what I meant and you know it.
Me: Another waiter told me where you hid it.
You know what would make gang members tougher? Have them start snapping, then do pirouettes in the street.
– Broadway producers
Is it “nemesis” or “nemeses”? I’m renewing my wedding vows.
Ah yes. My husband and I in our natural habitat.
Lying in bed on our phones whilst blowing pet hair off our screens.
me: i feel like im being singled out because im the oldest person in this karate class and im winning all my matches
them: this is a daycare and you are under arrest
Teaching my kids the true meaning of Easter by taking them to church and locking them in there for three days
The average parent burns 870 calories a year by shaking powdered cheese packets before opening them.
*arriving home as my house burns down*
Firefighter: I’m sorry ma’am. Your boyfriend didn’t make it.
Me: I know. It was built in the 80’s.
Think I left the oven on, better turn around
-me, leading a wagon train
Every video my wife has taken with her phone has me in it saying, “Are you taking a video?”
A horse, a penguin and a chimp walked into a bar and that’s when I realised I was drunk.
I’m not sure if this snake is trying to ask me a question or if he’s just eaten a candy cane.
This is Weller. He picked this flower for you. He also may have eaten a few of them. Not this one though. This one was special. 12/10 we are honored Weller
If you tell me you’re having a bad day I will quietly grab you by the face and stare deeply into your eyes and whisper “all days are bad days”
Went on ChristianMingle .com and kept asking myself, “Who Would Jesus Do”?
Chopped: College Edition.
“In your mystery basket: Ramen Noodles, coffee, crippling debt, a worthless degree. Chefs, you have 30 minutes.”
Na Fa Fo Na Na Fo Fo -Sassy black girl giving me her digits.
I don’t need anything that a fettuccine Alfredo coma can’t cure.
A hypnotist made me believe I was a bendable metal with an atomic number of 82. I’m easily lead.
I hate when my kids and I can’t agree on where we are going for Sunday breakfast, but I love that we all agree I’m not making it.