Nuff said? No seriously, what did Nuff say?
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Senior sext: CAN YOU READ ME NOW?
if you loved baby yoda you’re gonna effin hate teen yoda
fleetwood mac implies the existence of fleetwood dennis, fleetwood charlie, fleetwood dee, and fleetwood frank
You know, if you murder enough people you get your own Wikipedia page.
My boyfriend said that I’m more than enough woman for him, and now I’m mad because I think he called me fat.
The best baby age is when they say “baby” when they see another baby as though they themselves are not in fact also a baby.
Hank is one in a melon.
Drive thru window: Sorry, did you want fries with that?
My brain: He’s asking because you look like you eat a lot of potatoes
Memoirs of a Fish Stick
If you add ‘ish’ on the end of the time, you’re not really late.
TWEET CALL
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doctor: do you have a name picked out?
me: yah it’s St-
wife: we are not naming our daughter starscream
Pray Elon Musk doesn’t have a scandal.
Elongate would drag on forever.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me (terrified they’ll discover I’m a vampire): In ze mirrors like everyone else .. vhy?
Horses kill more people than sharks, which is weird — I didn’t even know horses could live underwater.
My friend keeps saying that every time he goes to Taco Bell he gets diarrhea.
I said, try ordering Tacos instead.
At George Orwell’s grave yesterday an American lady asked us how, if he died in 1940 (not the worst bit of this story), did he write a book in 1984…
How much for the Ice Cream Scoop?
Ma’am, that’s a Shovel.
Our friends: [just married] we want kids
Me, to my wife: [excited] omg babe maybe they’ll take ours
[police questioning a friend about my murder]
Police: Did he have any enemies
Friend: Boy did he ever
How much more of this can I take?
* piles food on buffet plate *
my kids teacher via zoom: division is multiplication backwards
me: (in distant background) holy shit.
WIFE: Can I get your wallet from your back pocket?
ME: [current world hula champion] You can try
Sometimes I think about Adam and Eve and how they couldn’t even get a babysitter.
The best text messages are those that contain a warning that they are going to stop by your house, that way you know not to answer the door.
Eating pancakes and bacon when I forget to put my teeth in is just not the same.
Before you die, get your affairs in order so they don’t find out about each other.
My wife handed me a clean towel and told me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.
[trying to make friends as an adult]
May I interest you in tolerating me for a moment
Optimus Prime: so it’s settled. I’ll be a huge cool truck, Bumblebee you’re a camaro. Any questions?
[Dan the station wagon raises his hand]