Number of days since I locked myself out of the house and had to climb in through a window: ZERO
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My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
“nice dog or cat or baby or whatever” i offer politely, my eyes scanning the room for the taco dip. “was it expensive?”
I have the flu. And as a parent, that means absolutely nothing about my day changes.
Million Dollar Idea: Footwear that loudly screeches “go away” when people get too close. They’re called SHOOS. (Patent Pending.)
the michael jackson of crabs impressing all his friends by walking smoothly forwards
Why are we wasting time on all these “beware of dog” signs?
I’ve never met a cat that wasn’t obviously plotting to kill somebody…
Laziness is a dish best served delivered.
If you love someone, tell them.
If they make a throat slash motion when they see you coming, it’s probably not reciprocated.
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
I don’t know who this is, but he’s made my day.
Every nature documentary has a pointless & soft lit cameo by a dung beetle that makes you suspect it’s dating the director
Friend: I got an expensive new face cream.
Me: Your face looks terrible. I’d sue.
Friend: I haven’t used it yet.
When I die I want people to say “Hmm, I didn’t know you could die like that.”
Think you’re a tough guy?
Go eat a package of Oreos in the middle of a crowded gym.
ME: one ariana please
STARBUCKS: what size
ME: *winks at camera*
I’ve seen enough movies to know that when you wake up in a hospital bed, you rip all the cords off because you’ve got work to do.
“Has science finally gone too far,” I ask my hybrid pig falcon as we stare in disbelief at the latest Prius.
Godzilla was the first house flipper.
ME: isn’t it weird how you get corn in your poop?
DOCTOR: yes but I’ve never seen an entire cob before
Just had my nails done!
I’m 6’4″ and built like someone who ate someone who was 6’5″
“delete your account” and what, leave my children NOTHING
“I’m not going to eat anything today”
“Pie?”
“Please”
“Release the Kraken” I say as I push “clean” on the Roomba.
Honesty is the best policy until it gets you slapped.
Just remember someone actually thinks your ex is being sincere right now
me: i trained my dog to talk
her: let’s see
me: describe sandpaper
dog: ruff
me: the outer layer of a tree
dog: bark
her: this sucks
me: that little rapper guy
dog: bow wow
Im the guy that says “Is he bothering you?” when some douche is hitting on you, just so I can hang around and bother you after he goes away.
All I got for Christmas was a sweater, I would’ve preferred a moaner or a biter.
Memes like this are the reason I still use social media.