Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Her: Show me your pics
Me: Ok

*blackberry restarts*
*waiting*
*gets married*
*have kids*

Son: Dad, your phone finished restarting
*dies*

[puts puppy in microwave]

[googles instructions for making hotdogs]

[quickly releases puppy from microwave]

me: hello 911
911: look, we’ve already asked your neighbor to return your leaf blower ok

I can’t work out if the pilot taxiing towards the terminal window is doing a huge yawn or his brakes have failed.

You know what really gets my goat? Chupacabras.

Clue is a wonderful game that teaches children about murder.

[standing in driveway with wife]
I thought we agreed on a Prius
[giant eagle pecks at saddle]
NO THIS IS BETTER

Age is somewhat irrelevant as “seen some shit” years will age you faster than anything else.

Your windows aren’t that tinted that I can’t still see you picking your nose.

All week the kids have been asking me where the hairbrushes are, I just checked and they’re in the bathroom drawers exactly where they’re supposed to be, which is apparently very confusing for my children

cars have windows and can move. houses have windows and can’t move. so it’s not the windows that make the car go, it’s something else entirely

Be extra nice to retail workers this week. It’s not their fault you waited until the last minute to shop for a holiday that has fallen on the same day every year since you were born

me: thanks for the feedback. Really valuable!!!

coworker: no problem!

[coworker gets text at 3am] who teh fucgk do u thgink u r

10 y/o Edison: How many scientists does it take to change a light bulb?
His Dad: What’s a light bulb?
His Mom: IDFK. U tell me, Einstein.

Teacher: You’re gonna need this in 20 years, so pay attention.

Me: Why not teach us something practical like how to balance our checkbook or do our taxes?

Teacher: Listen, if you don’t come across someone buying 30 watermelons at the supermarket, I will be flabbergasted.

10: this game took forever to download! It took like almost 1 minute

me: *laughs in dial-up*

I love that technology has advanced so much that Alexa can understand me with my mouth full of crisps

*brings a full menstrual cup to a bank robbery

There must’ve been a good reason Zimmerman pulled a gun on his wife. Like, maybe she was walking down the street, minding her own business.

[in bed]

me: was that thunder?

wife: i didn’t hear anything

dog: [checking Dog Handbook]
“in case of thunder, or any sound resembling thunder, stand directly on the nearest human head”

Giving my wife a drum solo for christmas she ain’t better than Jesus.

I hate when I grab a live wire and everyone sees my damn skeleton

I complained about a crying baby to the flight attendant; turns out they won’t accommodate you if the baby is yours

I saw a TikTok where someone realized the filter for the air purifier they’d been using for months had the plastic on it the whole time

I thought “who could be this dumb?” but decided to check mine just for giggles

And guys you’re not going to believe this but….

I want this Valentines Day to be special. Just give me a hint. Tell me what will make you happy. I’ll do anything.

*me, talking to my dogs

hear me out, a safari park full of giraffes called giraffe’ic park

[arriving in hell]

devil: all the pringles you can eat, but only with a knife and fork *evil laugh*

me: *starts eating*

devil: wait, how?

I shed so much hair, I couldn’t commit a perfect murder if I tried.

I’m all for the scientific method.

Right now I’m experimenting to see how much swearing makes other parents stop inviting you to things.