Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

No email needs to tell me not to reply.

Cop: And how would you describe the assailant?
Me: I guess I’d start with hair, eye, and skin color. Probably height and weight next…

My husband said he’d gotten an idea for a gift for me from a show he’s been watching. I just realized that thanks to free HBO on Hulu he’s rewatching The Sopranos. Now I’m a bit concerned.

[Record Shop]

Me: Hi, have you got anything by the Doors?

Shopkeeper: No, we have to keep all exits clear in case of emergencies.

What idiot called it removing a curse and not a hexagon?

banned from gardening forum for saying “it was me” every time someone posted and said “help, something is eating my tomatoes”

Me: How was school?

Toddler: Candice has a different mom.

Me [pours two glasses of wine]: Go on.

I’m not sure what my wife thinks I do in the bathroom, but I appreciate all her support

Getting caught under your desk and coming up with nothing in your hand is always so hard to explain.

I could totally be a squirrel matador. Possibly.

Many serial killers are good people, deep down. They just have a hard time not methodically killing a number of people over an extended period

Some baby on this plane is singing the ABCs all out of order and a guy just shouted “yes girl remix!!”

We can put a man on the moon, but we can’t think of a less terrifying way to can biscuits

My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.

[Voice from police helicopter]
PUT YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR!
*raises hands*
*takes flattering selfie in helicopter spotlight*
*uploads new avi*

Somebody Cadbury Cream egged our house last night. I’d be upset, but I’ve been too busy licking off the bricks.

Me: Shall I buy flowers for the housewarming?

Wife: Orchids?

Me: Where am I supposed to buy children?

people who dress up for flights who’re you trying to impress? the clouds? the beverage cart? the boy in seat 12B with the perfect almond eyes and the windswept hair with the crooked smile and those perfect freckles peppered across his nose? grow up

{4 turtles are stuck on their backs.}
Cop: What’s going on here?
Me: Snow angel contest for free pizza.
Cop: …Who’s winning?
Me: Shredder.

10yo just came to me, so excited to share about a “new artist” he discovered who sounds “just like Alexander Hamilton.”

Anyways it was Eminem.

According to this grocery list I’ve written on my hand, I’ve invented a new language.

Kids are away so I’m taking my wife out tonight.

-Like with an assassin or are you doing it yourself?

Um, like…to dinner.

-Cool, cool.

Listen. You call me a cunt and I’ll call you an ambulance.

I never thought I’d be the kind of woman to wear fur. Then I got 16 cats.

WATSON: we found one set of footprints in the driveway

SHERLOCK [smokes pipe]: so God was carrying the suspect

It costs $0.00 to be petty and I love free shit.

A pack of coyotes shrieking outside your house at 11:59 PM is slightly less unsettling if you imagine one of them just won a new car.

“omg you’re covered in blood! are you ok?”
[cut to me blending a tomato but I cant get the lid on properly]
you should see the other guy

If a huge beast told me not to go in one hallway of his extremely haunted house I’d be like “that sounds right” and never go there. But no one wants to sing about that. No candles want to sing about common sense.

At Olive Garden my 9 year old told the server, “Compliments to the chef!” Then he leaned too far and fell backward out of his chair.