Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What’s the best way to dispose of a dead body? Was asking for a friend, but he was being a whiny shit about it, so now I’m asking for me.

I think my life exists only so an angel can show the successful me from an alternate universe of how much worse it could have been!

#alternative

my mother is taking me to see the monday matinee showing of the barbie movie as a mother should.

As a girl who grew up with an annoying little sister the most unrealistic thing about Frozen is how Elsa never tried to kill Anna on purpose

“Welcome to D.A.D.D.D.S. Dads Against Dads Doing Dumb Shit. Repeat after me.”

[whole room] “AFTER ME”

“Ok fellas, lets start here”

Jesus Christ, google you’re gonna get him killed

I bet my doctor wasn’t expecting to say “Sir, that is not a toy” so many times today.

[girl petting my dog] what’s his name?
[thinking about how women want to feel safe] seat belt

kids will lie to you then straight up tell you they were joking like no my dude jokes have a punchline not a line of ants coming from a kool-aid puddle

I went on my daughter’s movie field trip with her class so of course I snuck in snacks and she snitched on me to her teacher then had the audacity to ask me to share

You can’t ban me from your neighborhood just because I “look scary” and “want to kill you.”

That’s discrimination.

Nonparents be like: I would simply instruct the toddler to do something he doesnt want to do, and he would obey

Do you think the earth is flat? Blink once for no, have a lobotomy for yes.

I have a hot tub built for two. Unfortunately, my body fits it perfectly now.

me: yeah, i’m into fitness…fitness this whole pizza in my mouth.

executioner: did you plan your last meal around this?

[guy about to invent bowling]

let’s have some fun, but not too much

My wife has hidden my new lion tamer outfit because apparently I’m “just being stupid”.

Well she’ll be the one who looks stupid once our new lion arrives.

Got a phone call and the caller ID said NYC Human. That sure narrows down the list of who it can be doesn’t it?

[at recycling center]

Me: *unloads 46 bags of crushed aluminum cans*

Cashier: Wow! *hands me $1*

Dominos just called to let me know my pizza’s on the way. They correctly assumed I’d need time to find my pants.

Guys, you don’t have to be a priest to shoot a baby with a water pistol. Literally anyone can do it.

Just been diagnosed with a chronic fear of giants.

Feefiphobia.

When in doubt, just do the opposite of whatever the person wearing pajamas in public is doing.

Taxidermist’s Wife: Whatcha thinkin’ about?
Taxidermist: Stuff.

Kinda weird, but my gynecologist was still wearing eclipse glasses during my pelvic exam.

Allow me to slip into something more out the window.

Why don’t they just get Jehovah’s Witnesses to deliver the mail?

I will always try to sound smarter & make up words when talking to my doctor, like “pain in the crotchal area” or “difficulty extendilating my arms.”

FASHION BOSS: any new ideas?
ME: how about a shirt with a hat
F: so a hoodie?
M: I call it a shat and as I say it out loud I hear my mistake