Number of times husband has insisted a puzzle piece is missing: 434
Actual puzzle pieces missing so far: 0
You Might Also Like
Someone hugged me at the office Christmas party and now they know my safe word.
babe wake up, the chili discourse on Twitter has an update. someone made a deranged 30 tweet thread about carrots being in the chili despite there being no carro- babe no, babe stay awake, babe plea-
Mom: “You’re a delusional alcoholic.”
Abraham Lincoln: “She’s right, you know.”
[getting murdered]
“Listen, I make a badass grilled cheese if this can wait?”
person: calm down
me: *calm immediately goes up*
In my dream I see us all standing together, throwing away differences and rallying for the abolition of mayo escape-holes in loaf bread.
My kids think they’re way cooler than me like WHATEVER nerds by your age I’d already had my license, sex, and a visit by the FBI.
My neighbors are being loud and I wanted to yell at them but I didn’t want them to know it’s me so I found a clip of a woman yelling SHUT UP and played it at full volume
If you don’t win at least 3 made up arguments in the shower, are you even clean?
HEATH: I’m more “Heath” than you’ll ever be!
HEATHER: You wanna bet?
“What do you mean “He used his mind?”
“I mean he never touched the gates. He destroyed them with his mind!”
“Oh my god…we’ve got a mad telekinetic duck on our hands. Get me the president!”
Judge: Your charge is burning down your neighbors house
Me: Your Honor they hung baskets of plastic flowers on their porch!
J: Not Guilty!
OMFG!
I just learned a dentist up the street from us got arrested for dealing drugs.
Just goes to show you how wrong you can be about your neighbors,
I’ve been going to this guy for well over a decade, I never knew he was a dentist.
left my toddler unsupervised with a bottle of glitter glue
The only time I miss masking is after I’ve eaten an Oreo
sometimes i sneeze so loud and hard i think i’m a dad
People like Bubba Gump Shrimp Co. How about more movie character restaurants? I have some suggestions:
Samwise’s Lord of the Wings
Tyler Durden’s Chowder House
Goose’s Gastropub (tagline: We feel the need… the need to feed!)
Short Round’s Tempura of Doom
Hannibal’s
Im not trying to brag or anything, but I just got invited to play Candy Crush on FB
I coughed twice, so now I’m worried that the £67.43 in my bank account won’t split evenly between my two children when I die.
“Go ahead, caller. . .”
“Yes, hello. My dog dug up a femur and I’d like to make soup. Would you suggest carrots or potatoes?”
A candy wrapper fell out of my pocket and my kid picked it up and waving it around like a trophy, began an interrogation about where it was from, when I had eaten it, and what it was doing in my pocket. Isn’t it obvious that I stuffed it in there to avoid exactly this situation?!
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who asked for oatmeal and you have the audacity to give them oatmeal.
Stop hoisting all your food into the trees. Now the bears have to settle for the second most delicious thing at your campsite.
This is I, Robot all over again
These racing car drivers are making a lot of pit stops.
You’d think they would have went before the race.
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: Nope, fluff.
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: That is a fly.
Me: SPIDER!!!
Brain: sigh. That’s your hand idiot.
Just once i’d like to see a chicken picking out a rotisserie person
Green tea reduces weight*
*Only if you go and pick the leaves from the mountains yourself.
Call your dad now and ask him what the wifi password is so he has time to find the little paper it’s written on before Thanksgiving.
Kept nodding off at an estate auction and bought a garden gnome for 3 million dollars.