Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The worst thing about having kids is that they grow up, but the best thing about having kids is that they grow up.

When the world gets you down, always remember that only idiots get cheered up by cheap philosophical bullshit and you’re better than that.

“Not all guys wearing Flannel shirts are Lumberjacks.” *hits tree with axe* ” Take me for example. I just hate trees.”

To animals (lizards?) that prey on mosquitoes: You guys need anything? Ice? More towels? Tickets to Cirque du Soleil?

We do these things not because they are easy. We do these things because we thought that they might be easy.

Made my wife laugh so hard that she spit out her milk so I said, “At least you’re consistent” & the laugh got replaced with a steak knife.

*prepares to cook vegetarian chili* *spills the beans* Whoa, I suppose you could call that.. *lowers shades with a spatula*.. Kidney failure

Your helium addiction is out of control, but nobody is taking your cry for help seriously.

How come no one in the fast and furious movies ever need to get gas?

me: sord

English: sword

me: why

English: because i like it lol

me: that’s not a good anser

English: oh boy ur not gonna be happy about this

Granola Bars, for when you’re hungry & also want to teach your mouth a lesson

People say “loose lips sink ships”. But history would confirm it’s definitely icebergs

today a man told me that he didn’t like my piercings then got mad when i said he looked like a thumb.

Having a cat is like having a teddy bear that is always investigating a murder.

Dr: How are your new pills working?
Me: I cry, eat & want to sleep a lot
Dr: Those are common side effects
Me: Oh. They’re working fine then

It’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s a chick that’s gone insane

I think Australians should have to go 3 rounds in the ring with a kangaroo before they eat him.

Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.

[throwing face stocking and grappling hook back in trunk]

“Dammit!”

Happy Taco Tuesday

You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not a bowl of mashed potatoes.

Is there a Black Friday sale on Hot messes?

Goldfish1: Check out my new castle.

Goldfish2: Castles are symbols of feudalistic oppression of the agrarian working class.

Goldfish1: Calm down. Take a lap around the bowl.

[5 seconds later]

Goldfish2: Hey, cool castle!

Mad Max Arctic Road

Son: I thought about asking if you wanted a Klondike bar at 2 am.
Me: Why didn’t you ask?
S: I heard you snoring and didn’t want to wake you.
M: You can wake me any time, especially if it’s about ice cream.

10 minutes later:

Me: So… I snore??

Apparently it’s “not normal” to ask a guy his blood type or how healthy his organs are

“Sorry, are you…?”
“Oh… no! No, I’m not, sorry…”
“Ah! That’s ok, haha, thanks, sorry”
“Sorry”

Transcript of a Brit asking another Brit if they’re in the queue

ME: rock, paper, scissors

PROCTOLOGIST: *snaps on glove* and you’re sure that’s all

[hears baby crying in the next room]
“It’s ok, I’ll go.”
[gets in car & goes to a motel]