Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“That’ll be 14 thousand dollars please”

-Veterinarians

[At job interview]
Manager: So, do you have any questions about the job?
Me: Yeah, can I have it?

The single most HARDEST thing about being an immigrant in the US is knowing that regardless of my sacrifices, my beliefs or the beauty in my soul, I, too, may one day be allergic to gluten

*proposes to girlfriend, accidentally dropping the ring in the ocean*

“I’ll still marry you”

No. I’m married to the sea now

*dives in*

90% of my life is convincing others that I, an idiot, am not an idiot.

The other 10% is using my phone’s flashlight to help me find my phone.

*me, at high school prom

Me: So, you wanna dance?
Her: Definitely!
M: Can you tell me why?

Thanks to modern recycling technology you can now throw away the same Pottery Barn catalog 2000 times.

just seen a tiktok where this girl asked her bf for pads with wings so he got her pads & 36 chicken wings 💀

Me: *meeting a priest* Nice dress, bro.

I thrive on chaos!

*breaks spaghetti noodles in half*

*Opens a Volkswagen restoration shop called “The Old Volks Home”*

“We had unprotected sex. Give us a present.” — the subtext of every baby shower

Me: I’m updating my fitness app. Is bowling a sport?

Him: You didn’t bowl. You kept score.

Me: Is score-keeping for bowling a sport?

How many Apple users does it take to change a lightbulb?

None. When the bulb goes, they just replace the house.

Legend has it there are 13 ways to have sex. So far, all I’ve found is 1 and it wasn’t even that great since all we used was my imagination.

Officer: is there anything in your car I should know about?

Me: *remembers photo album filled with 1,000 pics of my dog* OMG YES

I hope one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse is single.

Excited for Pete Davidson to host SNL and play some of his iconic characters including Pete Davidson and Pete Davidson.

The evolution of the NYT cooking newsletter

This doctor doesn’t know what he’s talking about. I’m pretty sure “Esophagus” is that hairy elephant on Sesame Street.

Odds I accidentally turn off a room’s lights when controlling house lights from my phone:

Any room my wife is not in – 1%

Any room my wife is in – 92%

‘Did you hear, Tim died.’

Oh no, was it serious?

vegan witches, happy halloween!

Me: shit that alligator’s waving at me.

Girlfriend: you shouldn’t have told him that you’d see him later.

Me *under the table*: I was just being nice.

imagine getting fired from the sperm bank for drinking on the job and having to constantly clarify that

DEVIL ON ONE SHOULDER: stay in bed

ANGEL ON THE OTHER: go to work

YODA ON MY BACK: get up, so heavy you are

Keep finding mysterious rocks in the pockets of my 6 y/o’s sweatshirt after school.

Can’t tell whether she’s starting a collection or planning a 1st Grade Shawshank Redemption.

GIRL: Spirit, should I have sex with this guy?
ME: *tries to push the ouija pointer to yes but it won’t move* (under breath) grandma, PLEASE

Why are dirty words only four letters. There should be at least one 19-letter word that’s so filthy you get grounded for a month.

The only thing I’ve ever made from scratch was dandruff.