Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Driving past a cemetery on a reservation my dad said “you can’t be buried there, do you know why?”

Me: because I’m not Native American?

My dad: no because you’re still alive

To my followers in Florida in the path of the hurricane: Remember to keep your phone charged. These tweets don’t “like” themselves.

Sorry I headbutted you, I was gonna punch you but, I was holding wine.

Patient: What is this?! Are you playing stupid with me girly?!
Me: I don’t play stupid
*slams fist on table* I EXCEL AT IT
Patient, now panicking: Wait what?

What’s the most baby state? Washington because WA

I’m sorry I seasoned you while you were taking a nap.

One nice thing about my kids sleeping so late in the summer is that I save money on breakfast foods because it’s been completely eliminated from their diets.

Fyi dark walnut wood stain tastes nothing at all like walnuts

[dog training]

Me: *hand out* Paw….paw…

Dog: *sits there*

Me: What’s wrong, boy?

Dog: *hands me Purell*

I’m Phoenician, as in, “Nobody better stop me from Phoenician all of these donuts.”

Hey Verizon, here’s an idea ~ $9.99 for unlimited calls, text, and data. But, $179.99 a minute to call ex-girlfriends.

tom cruise struggle to operating a rod and reel and it’s all tangled and messed up. fishin’ impossible

Me: hi! I’m here for my appointment.

Doctor’s office: ok have a seat in the lobby. For like an hour. Then I’mma put you in a lil room for two hours. While you’re in the room people wearing scrubs will come in and out a few times. None of them will be the doctor. $5000 plz

I tell my child, “10 minutes till bed!”

She hears me say, “Go put on a Halloween costume.”

Why?

I thought pansexual was a type of pizza crust.

Things would be so much simpler if everything was as easy as your mom.

If life was fair, salad would cause weight gain, and we’d have to eat a lot of chocolate to lose it all back.

Dear Coworker, If I’m nodding my head & smiling at everything you’ve said, this means I’m fantasizing about getting banged by David Beckham.

Registering the death of my Uncle Arthur at the coroners office and when asked for the deceased’s name, I replied “A. Smith” The coroner then asked ” A for?”, to which I replied “Apple”. I”ve never lived it down and my wife constantly brings it up over 30 years later.

I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?”

Ah yes, time for the biannual gaslighting of the cat, in which I slowly shift meals by 15 minutes at a time for two weeks in a ritual that is both mystifying and infuriating for him.

Chief Wiggum, Springfield PD, here… they’re doing WHAT?

Why are kids obsessed with toy tools and toy appliances? Like buddy this is the one time in your life you don’t have to do shit, why you wanna pretend to repair the washing machine and cook fake pancakes?

Once broke up with a girl cuz I didn’t like the way she agreed with me

My youngest just brought me a bagful of her baby teeth and is demanding answers.

I can’t believe this dog and a whole family just died because of a forgotten comma

BABY COW: [points at human] What’s that?
OLDER COW: That is a milk dracula

I consider page 2 of google results the dark web.

I recently started a band called 999 Megabytes. We’re good but we haven’t got a gig yet.

Found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe it’s been a whole year.