Number of times my dog has puked on:
the tile floor: 0
the carpet: 3,290
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Youth Pastor: do you know who also crashed a market?
A group of eavesdroppers is called a heard.
How do I get a job writing these texts
the song “pour some sugar on me” was written about shredded wheat cereal and i won’t be taking any discussion on this.
babe wake up, the chili discourse on Twitter has an update. someone made a deranged 30 tweet thread about carrots being in the chili despite there being no carro- babe no, babe stay awake, babe plea-
“Say ur a bad girl”
I’m a bad girl
“oooh yeah, and tell me what bad girls do…”
ooh i’m gonna sign up for 3 months of yoga and only go twice
You learn something every day
Couple down the street from us celebrated 53 years of marriage the other day.
I asked the wife “how did you do it?”
She said “my knees tired”.
They go to church every Sunday so I THINK she meant pray.
But Jesus Christ i just ain’t all the way sure.
“Apart from diet and exercise, anything else I should change, doctor?”
“Again, *wheeling me into surgery* the main thing is the bear fighting.”
It’s not my job to tell people where they’re failing in life.
It’s just a hobby.
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs.
DOCTOR: when was the last time you exercised?
ME: *thinking about holding the thermometer under my tongue* dude you were there
i’ve had too much coffee
~ amateurs
Aquarium managers: This is now a completely smoke-free facility.
Puffer fish: Dammit.
I love this time of year because I can leave my husband at home with the kids & say I’m going Christmas shopping when really I’m just out driving around in my car to get some peace & quiet.
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
You can learn a lot from a woman wielding a knife. For example, your top running speed.
The first person to throw out bath water: Uh oh.
Why is it called “fixing a flat” and not “retirement?”
Not to victim blame but if cat no want be held like baby then why baby sized
I’m going start wearing a cape instead of headphones to deter people from talking to me.
boss: what are u doing
me: *pretends to read email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read email”
Left water in the car in case I was thirsty & now I can boil pasta in my mouth.
My dad lied a lot. I was 17 before I realized the ‘Silver Table Cat’ wasn’t a real species, and that we didn’t own a pet, we owned a toaster
Which of the f’s in ‘Jeff’ is silent?
There seems to be a direct correlation between how many rosaries you have hanging on your rearview and how shitty a driver you are.
Who Left The Bag Of Idiots Open?
PRIEST: Is there any reason these two shouldn’t be wed?
ME: *from the back* SHE HOLDS ONTO CHECKS FOR MONTHS & THEN CASHES THEM UNEXPECTEDLY
My 11yo said if it wasn’t for him I wouldn’t have a twitter account, and I’m just glad he’s finally taking some responsibility.