Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i love reading online product reviews because there will be 8,000 that say “this blender is amazing, highly recommended” and one that will be like “garbage, do not buy, i tried to blend concrete and a crowbar and the thing broke immediately”

The evening ended rather abruptly after the following exchange:

Her: And here is a picture of me at 20.

Me: OMG what happened?!

And Jesus said “If the lepers cannot afford healthcare, let them suffer, for poverty is a character issue.”

The best defense against auto theft is not The Club. It’s 65 empty water bottles in the back seat and a rear window full of stuffed animals.

My daily affirmation before work goes something like this: “I enjoy receiving a paycheck.”

*holds door for someone*
Them: This weather…
Me: No.
*starts pulling door closed on them*
T: *pulls on door*
Me: *holding door closed*
No.

I don’t trust my arms or legs like I trust my hips

my hips don’t lie but but the rest of my body parts are bullshiters

I assert dominance over millennials by responding to their texts with phone calls.

I let people know that I’m no weirdo. I say “I’m no weirdo!” From that point forward, it’s just a matter of keeping my mouth off their pets.

Thanks for telling me this is your “pet cat” because otherwise I might have thought it was your business associate cat.

Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul to keep
And if I die before I wake
Good

this is me

Mad cow disease wears off and eventually you’re just tired with a cow disease.

Them: omg, I haven’t seen you in so long

Me: yeah that was on purpose

Whenever someone says, “Would you like your receipt?” I always say yes, because I want the guy at the drive-thru to think I’m writing off my Taco Bell expenses.

Perfect.

When I go jogging, I listen to a portable CD player, so people think I’ve been running for 10 years.

Them: Holy shit. How high are you?

Me: *6 minutes later* No, you are.

Cheers Twitter.

fedex left me a note that they missed me, which is so sweet cause I miss u too, u bunch of box-destroying psychopaths

It’s not the most ethical move in the world, but in a pinch you can hand off a cursed object to basically any baby.

Guys criticizing women’s pics on here are like, “yes, you’ve laid a fully cooked banquet in front of me — but that roast is a little overdone, I’ve seen better in a cookbook once”

There’s so much spilled soda, popcorn and candy in here my feet are sticking to the floor. I’d complain to the management except this is my apartment.

Accidentally drew my eyebrows on too dark and thick and now I live on Sesame Street with Ernie.

Pac-Man: what’s for dinner?

Ms Pac-Man: 🌕🌕🌕

Pac-Man: again?

Ms Pac-Man: you’re welcome to eat a ghost if you can find one

Husband:What do you want for Mother’s Day?
Me:I don’t want to have to tell you what I want
Husband:(goes to the store and never comes back)

There’s aggressive driving and then there’s a parent who is late for a school drop off driving.

Boss: Let’s be frank.
Me: Dibs on “Sinatra.”

You’re in a room with a murderer and someone who makes sandwiches with the crust end of the bread and you have 1 bullet. Who do-
“Bread guy”