Number one rule as a snake charmer, never fall in love.
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Extra virgin olive oil is just olive oil who got dating advice from me.
Reduce stage fright with a little vodka before the show.
Bring enough vodka for everyone, and you won’t even have to perform.
My kids were complaining they couldn’t find a tv programme to watch so I told them how little choice there was when I was a kid and 5 rolled her eyes and said “things have changed in the last 100 years mummy” and went back to scrolling
KFC Cashier: I hope your family enjoys this 12 piece meal
Me: Family?
The best way to avoid unnecessary arguments with your sexual partner is by agreeing the price in writing before you start.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
7yo: Why can’t I have coffee?
Me: It’ll make u even more energetic than u already are
7: But u drink it all the time& u never have energy!
My son just tripped over some toys and was convinced his 1yo sister set a trap for him. Utterly ridiculous.
It was me.
Me: Well, this calls for a celebration *cracks open beer*
Wife: …you took out the trash
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: would you like your receipt?
ME: no thank you i don’t want any proof that i’ve eaten here
[phone sex]
GF: Tell me you want me
ME: I want you badly
GF: How badly?
ME: I want you [checking thesaurus in a panic] haphazardly
I forgot to turn my clocks back and omg you guys are not going to believe the stuff that happens in the next hour.
Me: so you want me to buy all the presents.
Santa: yes.
Me: put them together?
Santa: yep.
Me: wrap them up?
Santa: that’s right.
Me: and then tell my kids you got the presents for them?
Santa:
Me:
Santa: I mean when you say it like that it sounds bad.
Me: {sobbing my heart out, eyes swollen, nose red) “I can’t see you anymore. I am NOT going to let you hurt me like that again!”
Trainer: “It was a sit-up. You did one sit-up.”
I don’t always drink iced coffee, but when I do, it’s because my kids prevented me from drinking it hot so I gave up and added some ice.
THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I repeat, THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
– My dentist, to his trainee hygienist, who keeps passing him the wrong implements.
Ladies, let’s remember: The shoes aren’t sexy if you look like a newborn calf trying to walk in them.
*person walks past me minding his business and not bothering me in any way*
“What’s this idiot doing?”
FUN FACT:
Bears hibernate in the winter just to get away from Christmas music…
10: Mom, would you hand me some gum?
Me: Sure, what flavor?
10: Swordmint
Me:
10: Sharpmint
Me:
10:
Me: Spearmint?
10: YES!
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he replaces words with animal names just to annoy me
ME: I don’t do it on porpoise
5yo to 3yo: Clean up these Legos or I won’t get to play on my iPad.
Yeah, my 5yo is gonna do great in middle management.
my dance moves can best be described as “did that dude just try to leap frog?” & “whoa that’s a lot of blood” & “is he still alive?”
let’s play a round of hopscotch 𝕆ℝ 𝔻𝕀𝔼
I told my 3-year-old the beans in her taco were chocolate jelly beans and she took 3 whole bites before she decided to never trust me again.
me: i’ll have the steak
waiter: this is a vegan restaurant
me: ok i’ll have the vegan
Dear Religion,
Pics or it didn’t happen.
Love, Science
Me: lord give me a sign
Lord: *gives me a sign*
Me: no, give me a sign I like
Hot hot hot 🥵
it’s only wednesday, and i’m being so brave about it
Walk up in the club like “THIS IS MY JAM” handing out small jars of my homemade raspberry preserves