Number one rule as a snake charmer, never fall in love.
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Parenthood is so crazy. We’re really out here getting bullied by the people we made.
I recently took a pole and found that 100% of the people were angry when the tent collapsed.
I used to eat a lot of Belgian chocolate, but I gave it up for Lindt.
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
ME, in denim jacket and bolo tie: But why not?
BRIDE: I said NO.
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
Thank God the conventions are over because now we can get back to the real issues: FOOTBALL.
Worth the read.
me [to snail on ceiling]: ah ure a cute lil guy how’d u get up there?
snail: I just want to die pls why do I have to be so sticky
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Was it the air guitar?
Cop: *shy* Yeah can… can I get your autograph?
Me: Happens all the time.
Cop: Thanks!
Me: Hey! This is a ticket!
Parenting through the years:
1st kid: Organic food only
2nd kid: “McDonald’s once in a while isn’t so bad.”
3rd kid: “Did he just eat dog food? I’m sure he’s fine.”
Can i borrow your truck?
Me: no problem just read the dashboard
Shit. My neighbor told me her name thirty minutes ago. You guys, what was it?
“if you could dinner with any scientist, alive or dead, which one would it be?”
“schrodinger”
Wanna up the awkward while standing in line? Turn around while you wait.
Preteen: mom whyyyyyy do I have to take a shower
Also preteen: *takes 45 minute shower*
People on Facebook really lose their shit when you comment on their hospital check ins with ‘Glad you’re not too sick to post your status’
When my wife says she’s going to throw away a dessert, I turn into Gollum sooooooo fast
[At bar]
*all sweaty after doing the worm*
Me: *out of breath* see anything you like?
Her: called 911, thought you were having a seizure.
best lyric of all time is when elton John was like “if I was a sculptor, but then again no” like pls I’m on the edge of my seat .. what were you going to do as a sculptor Elton!?!!!
Guy who invented the clock: there will be 12 numbers on it
Friend: so the day will be divided into 12 segments?
Inventor: no, 24
Friend: so will the day start at 1
Inventor: the day will start at the 12, which is at night
Friend:
Inventor: the 6 means 30
Netflix subtitles be like [Speaking Spanish]
bro you gonna translate it or??
I left my phone at home and had no idea what to do with my hands while I drove
My laugh is like what you’d hear if a hyena and seal were mating and it wasn’t going very well.
You’re following someone who just picked up a candle and tried to drink it
“Would you like to volunteer for the plant sale?” the PTA mom asks brightly.
“I can’t, I kill plants.”
I lean in & whisper:
“On purpose.”
NAZI: Some of us Nazis got hurt too
ME: Thoughts and bears
NAZI: Don’t you mean “thoughts and pra–
ME *releasing grizzly bear*: Nope
🙁
My kid: you took my KitKat, didn’t you?
Me:
Me: I am shocked!
My kid: are you shocked because you took my KitKat or are you shocked because I could figure it out?