Number one rule as a snake charmer, never fall in love.
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Spoiler alert: Doctor Strange could not become a Sorcerer Supreme until he learned to like sour cream.
I’m delighted we’ll soon see a dog again in the White House, but look forward to the day when there will finally be a cat in there. Who’ll then want to be outside the White House, and twenty minutes later, back inside the White House again.
Is there any rejection more humiliating than when you try to tickle someone and it doesn’t work
It’s freedom of expression.
Grocery Store Manager: sir you were holding a potato in a tiny cage and threatening the store potatoes
Pro Tip : Give the person interviewing you “something to remember” doesn’t means giving them a bite mark.
What.
I’m not gonna wear uggs or crocs or any other shoe that sounds like a noise my body makes involuntarily.
bartender: what’s wrong with you
best man: they kicked me out because i dropped the mike after the wedding toast
bartender: well that’s excessive-
best man: mike is the groom
Therapist: It seems like you have an
acute phobia of marriage. Do you know
the symptoms?Patient: I can’t say I do.
Therapist: Exactly. That’s one of them.
“…until death do us part.”
*looks at minister*
“What about a Walking Dead situation where she’s a zombie? Then I can bang other chicks?”
Reasons to not eat cookies:
– there are no cookies
– you’re trapped under something heavy and can’t reach the cookies.End of list
The little Tabasco bottle waits patiently as you flirt with artisanal overpriced hot sauces, confident that you’ll always come home.
If I put on a latex glove and snap it, that’s just me flirting
I kept my whole house clean for three days. But then I felt like my kids had been locked in that closet long enough.
me: could my thighs get any bigger? *sits down* me: oh look now they’re the size of Australia
A TikTok challenge but it’s just people using apostrophe’s correctly.
“can i smoke in here?”
“sure go ahead sir”
“thanks”
*lights scented candle*
“can i scatter rose petals in here?”
“erm-
“can i dim the lights
I don’t normally like to brag about expensive trips but I just got back from the grocery store, getting gas, and signing my kids up for summer camp.
I want to have the kind of hope my dog has when the kids walk around eating chips.
Interviewer: have you ever made, eaten or even seen a sandwich?
Dude: no
Interviewer: you’re hired welcome to Subway
Somewhere, some Nigerian lawyer is wondering why you’re not sending him the personal information that he needs to give you your inheritance
Despite popular opinion, you can eat fire. You just can’t eat it twice.
Hell hath no fury like a 5 yo who doesn’t want his brother to stare at him in the car.
Spent the last 10 minutes trying to kill a false eyelash on the pillow that high me didn’t take off last night
When cannibals fall for one another, that’s chew love
Boss: Can I have a word with you?
Me: umbrella
Daytime tornado warning: grab phone, radio, & flashlights, get to shelter immediately
Nighttime tornado warning: if I wake up in Oz, so be it
You want me to take a shower? the thing that ended dinosaurs?