BARTENDER: okay man, here’s your appletini
MAN: [upset] this isn’t what i ordered
BARTENDER: i’m sorry?
MAN: why isn’t it a tiny apple
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The problem with the exclamation point & question mark being side by side on a keyboard:
I’m so sorry your grandma died?
I love you?
The only person who might be able to conclusively prove I’m not Batman is Batman. And until he does, the jury is out.
This is amazing.
Boss: It’s a little strange that you’re only sick on Fridays…
Me: I have a weekend immune system.
I am no longer impressed that Nicholas Cage managed to steal the Declaration of Independence.
I have a lot of disdain for anyone in the top 1% who hasn’t become Batman.
Therapist: Why are you here?
Me: Ahh, the great existential question. Why are any of us-
Therapist: No, I mean your appointment is tomorrow.
Rappers: we gonna see you in the club! Get down in the club! Party in the club!
Me: ok cool can’t wait
[is too embarrassed to ask ‘but which club though’]
If you know someone who effortlessly falls asleep every night, that is a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
“Shotgun!” I yell as I push past the others and climb into the seat.
I am subsequently escorted from the airplane.
Husband getting dressed:
Me: Purple and green don’t go together.
Husband: It works for the Joker.
Me: My point exactly.
I talk a lot of shit for someone whose immune system interprets my ear piercings as a threat.
You had one job 🤦🏻♀️
Absolute genius if you ask me 👌🤣
Meow
The holidays are always tough on me….
One year for Christmas , I made a gingerbread house that wasn’t up to code & it collapsed on a tiny, little gingerbread family.
Still haunts me.
If you get a present from me with scissors and a roll of tape trapped under the wrapping paper, I’m gonna need those back.
” Wife: there is a man at the door with a mustache.
Husband: tell him i’ve already got one. “
X-tra spooky blend
I love money. I set it free and it didn’t come back. Relationships are hard.
Subway sandwich employee said he wears the gloves “cuz the meat stings.”
10: “What are we doing today?
Me: “We’re gonna make tacos.”
10: “Then what are we going to do?”
Me: “…I’ll be eating tacos.”
Wife: Why did you have to cook all of it at once? Not only do we now have to eat 5 pounds of the stuff for breakfast but the whole house smells like bacon!
Me: I’m failing to see what part of this is upsetting
If these seasonal allergies don’t kill me, that person I just sneezed all over probably will.
How many dates should you wait before you tell a girl that you’re just a barn owl
[hits rock bottom]
rock bottom : *calls 911 for being assaulted*
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
Children; because how else could you collect teeth without seeming psychotic.
Body: All done?
Brain: All done.
Body: goodnight
Brain: goodnight
Body:
Brain:Brain: Flintstone tiptoed a lot for a big dude