nurse: are you allergic to any medicine?
me: laughter
nurse: hahaha. OH MY GOD-
me [face swelling up]: i thold thou.
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Hey kids, for Halloween, let’s go to a spooooky place full of scaaaary, oppressive people & a guy who riiiises from the dead!
Kids: Church?
When the zombies finally come, I’m putting ”ORGANIC” stickers on all the vegans…
Y’know, to buy myself some time.
“What character would I like to see throwing up in a parking lot?”
-How I pick my Halloween costume
one time my cousin Dom hit a baseball so hard it tore a hole in the space time continuum and I caught it two years earlier
My daughter actually submitted this feedback at school. Not sure if I should ground her or buy her ice cream…
Oh, you asked if I had a perfect BEACH body. Now I see why you were confused when I said “Yes, I’m round, ripe & covered in fuzz.”
oh to be a capybara in an open air bath with an orange on its head
if i die from eating a tide pod, please bury me in the traditional fashion:
warm/cold water
15 mins extra soak
permanent press cottons
Me: *works out entire body a lot*
Arms: Lol no
Abs: Ehhh
Butt: haha what
Thighs: I WILL BE THE LARGEST IN THE UNIVERSE
my daughter told me that I am eating my elderly era. I’m not sure what that means and if I should thank her or ground her
Props to just stopping in the middle of the grocery aisle. Personally never tried it, but it seems big.
Everyone’s allowed one Tolkien pun just don’t make it a hobbit
Congrats to my tween for graduating at the top of his class from eye roll university.
[dinner time]
ME: *puts baby in a lifeguard chair*
WIFE: not that high
5yo came in, threw his backpack down and said “holy melancholy.”
Me: rough day, buddy?
5: I need a glass of milk. Now.
One thing twitter has taught me is that someone, somewhere in the world is thinking exactly the same thing you are.
COMPUTER: Enter your password
ME: [types ‘posh_people’s_tea’]
COMPUTER: Your password is too weak
ME: [high fives computer]
DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have loopus.
ME: Oh no! Is there a treatment?
DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
Go home, Twitter. You’re drunk.
Almost every branch of science has a pseudoscience associated with it: chemistry and alchemy, astronomy and astrology, math and economics…
Waiter: Here is your salmon.
Me: I didn’t order this
Waiter: it’s from the gentleman at the bar
*I look over at the bar and a grizzly bear winks and lifts his glass*
Dear trick-or-treaters: Would it kill you to say “thank you” when I hand you a freshly made egg salad sandwich?
Raccoons always look like they are in the middle of telling a story about how big something was.
Last Minute Gift Idea:
Chew with your mouth closed.
If you like pointing out beautiful scenery to three people who are on their phones, a family road trip is for you!
I’m so over sweating. I’m putting a pin in sweating for the next two months. We can circle back on sweating in September.
“SOME OF US ARE TRYING TO SLEEP” I yell at the neighbor I can hear vacuuming at 1pm in the afternoon.
Her: Col. Mustard did it in the conservatory with a lead pipe because the victim’s loud chewing drove him to it.
Me: You don’t have to give a motive. *bites into apple* Hey, is that a real lead pi
gonna start calling my years long dry spell ‘sexual discipline’ so I don’t sound so pathetic