nurse: are you allergic to any medicine?
me: laughter
nurse: hahaha. OH MY GOD-
me [face swelling up]: i thold thou.
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A gender-neutral equivalent of ‘sugar daddy’ is GLUCOSE GUARDIAN.
A work from home email:
Dear mom,
Per my last email, I would love a grilled cheese for lunch, at your earliest convenience. Please advise.
Best,
Gwynn Ballard
Manager of House Operations
What do you call a cappuccino with an old friend?
A catchupino.
#RubbishJokes
Of all the essential oils WD40 is the essentialist.
Turned the other cheek and found the tv remote.
If you named your kid Hunter because you like to hunt, then I hate you. Who names a kid after an activity?.
*Storms off w/ his son, Kegger
Cashing in my goldfish today.
Wish me luck!
You can learn a lot when your children start moving out. For example, you may go upstairs and learn that you no longer own a couch.
ah, yes. the elusive llamarshmallow.
Why’s it called casual sex? It’s not like people in relationships have sex in top hats…well not every time.
I don’t think it’s rude to keep standing if you go to someone’s house and their furniture is ugly
I haven’t been around a baby in so long I can’t even remember how to put their leash on.
you shouldn’t have to go to work tomorrow if the mayor is getting arrested
Dude with 7 followers is criticizing my jokes. That’s not a Twitter account. It’s a group text.
just realizing what a disservice it is to limit my kids screen time because they could become influencers and fund the rest of my life
Daughter: Anyone there?
Ouija Board: S P O T
Daughter: But Spot went to live at the farm
Ouija Board: N O
ME: *tips over whole table with ouija board* go clean your room
Bacon is the duct tape in the culinary world. It fixes almost any dish.
it’s ok if no one “gets” you; do what’s right for you. avoid people who make you feel bad. entomb your enemy, alive, in a wine cellar. become a lighthouse keeper who guides phantom ships to the underworld. you do you.
You think you’ve doing an okay job as a parent, and then you learn your 8 year-old has only been pretending to brush his teeth for two months.
This dudes dogs 😁battle cry
When she checks her bank statement and go “what are these PlayStation Network charges”
My car alarm is the driver’s door falling off onto the foot of an unsuspecting thief.
pikachu had tasted human flesh and now his hunger could not be satisfied
We only use 10% of our brains because the other 90% is busy regretting saying “You too!” to a waiter after he said “Enjoy your meal.”
I started a book club. A coloring book club. There’s a line to get in. We’re never on the same page. Nothing’s black & white. We’re well red
[working at the DMV]
Me *covering phone mouthpiece*: a Mr. Godzilla wants to know if he can upload his photo or does he have to come here?
Boss: *sweating profusely*
Being good at customer service is essentially jingling keys in the face of adults.
I’m not gonna wear uggs or crocs or any other shoe that sounds like a noise my body makes involuntarily.
In the future I will replace my feet with chainsaws after accidentally cutting them off with my chainsaw hands.
When a man gets married he has a moral obligation to scare his wife when he sneezes.