nurse: are you allergic to any medicine?
me: laughter
nurse: hahaha. OH MY GOD-
me [face swelling up]: i thold thou.
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3: mommy, you’re the best
me: aw, thanks bud! I think you’re the best!
3: me too
If someone ever asks you for advice just reply with “Buy a penguin”. Imagine a scenario where that isn’t awesome.
The family panel on the back of my car is just me standing next to a hand, a lotion bottle, and a bunch of smiling tissues where the wife and kids should be.
HUSBAND: I can’t believe you’re in your 40s. You look so young.
ME: Nice try. You’re not getting the last piece of pizza.
No one cares about your plans for the weekend more than the person cutting your hair
ME: *slamming desk with fist* You’ll put this up over my dead body!
FUNERAL DIRECTOR: It’s a lovely headstone.
ME: It really is.
Can you imagine being a cat and having to do this NINE times?!
*putting wrinkle cream on my crow’s feet*
HOLD STILL, MR. VANDERBEAK!
Playing a game with my kid where she draws a picture and I have one chance to guess what it is and if I’m wrong, everyone’s day is ruined.
The only real certainties are death, taxes, & people who haven’t seen each other in forever, blocking whatever you need in the store.
If Jehovah’s witnesses brought red wine and Pringles with them, I’d gladly let them in to spend an afternoon chatting about religion.
“wfh”
what it means: work from home
what my brain sees: what fthe hell?
I just spent an hour punching a brick wall. No coins came out and now my hand is broken. Video games lie to you.
my mother is staying with me for about a week, and i’m going to be honest, i didn’t even know the volume on my television went that high
Me at 25: I would never date anyone who smokes.
Me now: I would never date anyone.
therapist: how have you been coping with everything
me: with sarcasm mostly
therapist: has that been working
me: yeah it’s been super great
bags with threatening auras
[first date]
Her: I just love eating clean and staying healthy, you know?
Me:*flashback to the time I cry-ate two lasagnas* Totally
Every time I’ve gone to the pharmacy for a prescription it feels like it’s the first day for everyone who works there and also for the concept of a pharmacy.
ME: Just don’t touch my Pop Tarts and we’ll be okay
PRIEST: *stunned* I’d like to remind everyone that the couple chose to write their own vows
I haven’t had my coffee yet, so only approach me if you can’t find something high enough to jump off of.
[renovating house]
ME: How much to add a panic room?
CONTRACTOR: About $50,000.
ME: How about a mild anxiety room?
the vatican should not be allowed to name any new saints until God sorts out my numerous issues with the citibank web portal
INVENTOR: it’s a machine that washes dishes
BOSS: what should we call it
GUY WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE: i have an idea
won’t smith
Could you set a lightsaber on low and use it as a back scratcher?
I used to brag that my dad worked in the food court.
I thought he was a food lawyer. Shoulda wondered why a lawyer would wear a sbarro shirt
i’ve been laughing at this for 5 mins
The guy in front of me at the supermarket paid with a check
Not to be outdone, I tried to pay with some turquoise beads and an otter pelt