Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you meet a surgeon at a party don’t immediately start pitching to them. They are sick of hearing ideas for surgeries, and even if you give them a good one they will just steal it without crediting you

If you listen real closely, you can hear my alarm clock laughing as I set it.

It’s never going to work out between Mario and the Princess. Most of the time she’s on a whole other level.

The world is my oyster and I’m allergic to shellfish.

If Nicole Kidman had a child with Gary Oldman, the child’s last name would be Middleagedman

(first date)

Her: I love Star Trek

Me: Me too!

Her: What’s your favourite part?

Me: *sweating* uhh when the stars go trekking!

When I was younger MTV actually played videos. That’s what the M stands for. Music. Not Maternity, Motherhood or Moron.

“Better to be pissed off than pissed on!”

Actually, I prefer a third scenario where I’m not angry or covered in piss.

are elective head amputations covered by insurance oh shoot i thought this was google

baby proofing your house is easy, just lock your doors. There’s no way they could get in unless there were like hundreds of them or somthing

*Last Will & Testament

And to my children, I leave this pile of paper scraps with ingredients written on them, but not any measurements or the name of the recipe those ingredients are supposed to make.

Mission Impossible…😂😎🐒

CAT: Hey, sorry about puking on your pillow

SCHRÖDINGER {busy}: Yeah, whatever

CAT: So uh…what’s the box for?

My friend is mad at me because I saw her using a huge tablet to make a call so I offered her a gas cylinder to light her cigarette..

Here’s my ONLY problem with Evolution:

When the chocolate chip evolved, how did the raisin not go extinct?

When my son was in grade school the teacher asked the class what they should do if they think there is a fire and he shouted GO TURN THE STOVE OFF DINNER IS READY

“Hello darkness my old friend.”
Darkness: I’m not lending you any money.

DUDE!
Why didn’t you make
better life choices?!

[Me to the cicada as it hits my car]

Pretty much the only time I WANT to hear about your ex is if she’s standing behind me with a weapon, other than that I’m good.

I saw my ex and her new man at mattress warehouse so being my ever helpful self I told him don’t buy a memory foam, you won’t be around long enough for it to remember you.

I wish I was 7’9″ so my BMI would be normal

Look, if I have to stop to explain the reasoning behind everything I do, I’ll never get anything done, so could you please just let me finish the construction of this banana cannon

[Guy goes on a date w me]
Hm not sure if he likes me
[13 more dates]
Dunno?
[Marries me]
It’s so confusing
[Stays w me 30 yrs]
How do u tell

I cried when my dentist told me I needed two implants and a crown because I can finally realize my dream of being a sexy princess.

Interviewer: Describe your current position.

Me [from my wheelchair]: Seated.

Do you think swordfish are down there just jousting each other with their face all day or what

For all the people who doubted me:
You were right

A sex boycott sounds fun and all but have you ever tried marriage?

I dont’t want to die a virgin because that means I’ll have to have sex with terrorists.

I’ve verified my own account.

It’s utter crap ✔