Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

7 foot tall undergrad told me that he was going to have to miss class for a game and, not wanting to make assumptions, I asked him what team he was on and he just said “come on” lmao

[Jedi Academy]
Why do you want to be Jedi?

[Imagines using ‘the force’ to steal everyone’s cats and building a cat army]

To keep the peace

[30 years into the future]

me: you know netflix used to send films by post

my amazon smart watch: 0.3% Productivity loss detected. Hourly rate reduced to $1.12 for 7m21s. Please refrain from talking on the packing line. Please say “Productivity” to acknowledge

me: productivity

doc: so how are you feeling

me: awful

doc: *phew* I hate to ruin a good mood

thought i heard hailstones at my window but it was just the sound of my bones as i stood up from a chair

Her: Wow, how’d you get that black eye?

Me: *thinks back to that husky raccoon lying in wait* BAR FIGHT

are there any atheist mantises?

I’ve never had houseplants before. What kind of toys do they like?

As a project I’ve started making my own coffin. Should I be concerned that my wife keeps asking how soon I can have it ready?

One time for my child’s birthday party, I accidentally sent the kids home with whistles in their goodie bags. I lost 47 friends that day.

Me: Give me your tenderest of loins.

Butcher: That’s not… Please don’t order it that way.

How did they call Deadpool’s dog ‘Dogpool’ when ‘Deadpoodle’ was right there.

I’m going on a shiny hair journey. It doesn’t seem as if my hair is going with me, but I’m going.

I’ve been doing comedy for 12 years and I gotta say to this day the hardest I’ve ever been roasted is when a 12 year old on NBA2K said “yo, where’d you get your mic, Radio Shack?”

Just wrote “except for you, spiders >:(” on my Welcome mat so that should be the end of that

To tree roots that look remarkably like snakes:

You’re not funny.

Just stood on my porch and screamed “STOP IT!” at the top of my lungs and two doors over someone yelled back “K”.

Apologies about the delay to the 16:10 to Alicante. We’re just waiting for one 3D printed part, but apparently a ‘fuselage’ takes a little time.

Me: The dog gives me more attention because he loves me the most.

Husband: No, it’s because you’re constantly dropping food on the floor.

Being a mother you are always prepared for the unexpected but nothing can prepare you for the strength you will need when your son’s voice begins to change and you have to keep a straight face.

20: sometimes you see someone so basic you just know they listen to the Beatles

Me: hey!

20: oh it’s okay for you to listen to the Beatles. You’re old

The worst part of having kids is doing all the math you never thought you’d see again.

If PRETTY WOMAN starred WILLEM DAFOE.

Jesus H. Christ.

what’s another way to say “codependent psycho”? I want this dating profile to be perfect

Dad’s jean shorts in the 80’s were one move away from being the Basic Instinct scene

Assert your dominance by crossing out your coworkers name on their food and put your own.

Then eat it in front of them.

when you swipe left on a guy and Bumble says “you’ve missed a potential match!” like yeah I know I did that on purpose

9-year-old: *fighting with her sisters* It’s my turn for the remote!

Me: You’re going to school in two minutes. What does it matter?

9: It matters for two minutes.