Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Runs into bank with gun*
Alright! Everyone put your hands up!
*Tickles everyone*

Waking up with morning wood is one thing, but waking with Elijah Wood is just creepy.

I calmed down once I stared into his beautiful eyes.

Track coach: run like the wind!

Dude from Oklahoma: *spins*

Just heard a little boy call his mom “mother,” as if both had already accepted the fact that he’d become a serial killer some day.

I hate camping with my English teacher friend because he insists we only use the perfect tents.

My dad says “sometimes I say shit just so she’ll give me the silent treatment!” True love! 🙂

“Don’t do anything you wouldn’t want published” – my mom

Like bro I’m in bed at 10:30pm what do you think I’m doing?!?

[Wine tasting]

Me: Yep. Wine.

Some people will always secretly hope that you fail. Not me. I’ll outwardly hope that shit.

Wife: Could you load the dishwasher while you’re in the kitchen?
Husband: I’m in the bathroom now
W: Please change the roll
H: Sorry. Garage.
W: Please wash the car
H: Can’t. I’m in France now
W: Bring back croissants

There are 3 certainties in life
-death
-taxes
-anxiety anytime someone asks me what I’ve been up to

Women will never truly be equal as long as they’re smarter than men.

Me, to myself: you are your harshest critic and no one else will notice your face is breaking out

3: Mommy! Is that a pimple? Is that a pimple? Wow, you have so many pimples! They’re everywhere!

This salad is delicious, probably because it’s a donut.

ALEX TREBEK: well that’s important work you’re doing; the orphanage probably loves you

CONTESTANT: thank you

ME, SWEATING:

TREBEK: Matt, from new york, it says here you once got your hand stuck in a sink, tell us about that

Saving this screenshot for when my grandkids ask me what 2017 was like.

Strudel me like one of your toaster girls

Learn to ask more specific questions. It’s not “How do I look?” It’s “Do I look good enough people are surprised I married you?”

I am yelling

My mom: why are you being so defensive

Also my mom: here is a 12-point presentation on how you can do everything better

The best part of vacation with your extended family is talking shit about them on the trip home.

The perfect sticker placement doesn’t exi-

I took my dog to have his anxiety checked out and the veterinarian examined him and told me he’s a very good boy, and then she prescribed two margaritas for me

Twitter action film:

MAN 1: Follow me.

MAN 2: On Twitter?

MAN 1: No. Physically, follow me. Or you’ll be killed.

MAN 2: On Twitter?

My wife insists on buying our daughter the expensive, growth hormone free milk. So there goes any chance she’ll ever have of being an X-Men.

Some will get it! Hmm 🤔?¿

Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even?

It’s great that interstates have rest areas. But things like Wednesdays really need rest areas too.

HELP how do you know if a guy likes you or is only talking to you because you accidentally hit him with your car

This red flag smells like chloroformZZZ.