Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

say whatever you want about twitter, at least it’s keeping you people off the streets

Haunted house ideas:

-“we need to talk” room
-“you’re being audited” room
-“my period is late” room
-“two days before payday” room

Kylo Ren: Hey, why is my paycheck so low?

General Hux: Damages. Maybe you should stop throwing temper tantrums with your lightsaber.

That’s amazing can I get a bud light please

I hate when the cashier ask me ” You doing alright today ” when I’m buying a 6-pack of beer with change.

It doesn’t matter how many signs I put up around the office, HR said high five a co-worker in the face with a shovel day isn’t a thing.

Wife: I need you to do some things around the house this weekend
Me: I’m way ahead of you
Wife: no, like helpful things
Me: ah

Bag of flesh that acts weird when another bag of flesh doesn’t send symbols on glowing screen

A Hallmark movie where the heroine is such a Karen that she ruins Christmas, the adorable son of the widower tells her to go back to her law firm in the city, and ends with the whole town chasing her with pitchforks.

It costs nothing to be kind. But then again, it costs nothing to be a sociopath. So you see my dilemma.

What was a common name in the Middle Ages? I heard people named their kids Lance a lot

Careful guys it’s raining cats and dogs outside and the ones that aren’t dying on impact are super pissed

dating me is like dating a golden retriever cuz u will be picking blonde hair off u all day and i get way too excited about everything

my 5 year-old son just threw his Peppa pig doll down a flight of stairs. While staring over her mangled body, he said “Awww..Peppa we have to be careful next time” and I think I am raising Kathy Bates from Misery

FACT : Half of all missing person reports involve people trying to find their way out of IKEA.

Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?

I heard the food was good but it had no atmosphere.

My kid: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some challah?
Kid: Yes! Make sure I get some of the golden part on top.
My brain: Don’t say it…
Me: The crust?
Kid: What?? That’s crust?? I don’t want that.

*repeat daily in various scenarios*

He said he wants to be my Sugar Daddy, and I thought awesome, I love cookies.

My kids don’t recognize me with my mask on at school pick-ups, so I either have to dress as Waldo everyday or perform the Macarena.

What will Tesla name their electric lawnmower?

E-Lawn

You’re never alone. Theres mold

Why’d they call it “The Empire Strikes Back” and not “Cool Hand, Luke”?

Just sold my homing pigeon on eBay for the 32nd time.

The great thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.

The worst thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.

Me: Was this product tested on animals?

Clerk: Yes.

Me: [outraged] I knew it!!!!

Clerk: Sir, that’s a dog leash.

Me: *grins* Couldn’t help but notice you checking me out.
Girl: Yeah, I’m a cashier at a grocery store. That’s my job.

Find a way to dress up as “accidentally liking someone’s Facebook picture from 2 years ago” and really scare people this Halloween.

My kids’ french fries were fried in peanut oil and the way I see it that counts as protein

A 6-year-old told me he likes my costume. I’m not wearing a costume 🙁