Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My face is permanently frozen into this scowl. You were right, Grandma.

[On the phone with my bookie]

Put it all on Jesus and let it ride

“Hey can you take our picture?”
ME: yea sure
*takes picture*
ME: wait sorry, The Flash was turned on
THE FLASH: *blushing in the background*

“It’s hotter than a junkie’s spoon in July”

Excuse me, what kind of Florida metric system are we using now??

My son is the reason I get out of bed every morning. Otherwise, he might attempt to make his own breakfast.

ME: Sorry I was late.
FRIEND: What happened?
ME: *remembers spending all morning rolling slowly around in bed like a rotisserie chicken* I fell off a bridge.

Those turkeys presidents pardon? HUGE campaign donors.

*knock knock*

“Sir, this is the police, open the door immediately”

“But I’m having a poo”

“We know sir, the phone box has glass sides”

shout out to anyone that’s used a tube of super glue more than once

Capital punishment should only be used for people who say the meeting will end early and then run 5 minutes over.

5: Mommy, you’re a BOSSY YELLER who makes people CRY.
My mother, to 5: Yes. She’s always been that way.

wow

No one told me we would be forced to eat brussel sprouts at that haunted house.

Me: *walks into a door frame*
Husband: Can you do that again? My camera wasn’t on.

The way I’m terrified to one day raise a teenager you’d think they have rabies

I accidentally used my mom’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here

Jodie from HR: Through god, all things are possible

Me: Okay do a kickflip

Jodie: What

Me: Do a double kickflip right now

My man let the intrusive thoughts win 😅

“Can’t beat fresh apple pie” she says, setting 1 down. I slam my fist into it. 3rd degree burns. “Wrong” I whisper 4 hrs later in the ER.

[interviewing for job as assassin]
Me: I only have 1 rule
Interviewer: lemme guess. No women or kids
Me: huh? No, I just won’t work weekends

Office morale has increased noticeably since we put a tarp over Dave’s body

Just saved a guy from drowning by
throwing him a CVS receipt as a lifeline.

He also gets 25% off his next rescue.

“Yes officer, *rolling eyes* I know what a traffic light is I passed the captcha test on three tries.”

[Alien vs Predator]

Alien: I can eat your face off
Predator: I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a school

me: if you love something, set it free

wife: [stopping me from releasing our baby into the wild] don’t

Please, if you ever offer me a snack and I say no, ask me again, I didn’t mean it the first time

My partner bought a CD player that we can plug into our car so we can play our CDs and the Amazon listing features the following images. 💀💀💀

Look, mom, we can keep arguing about whether or not 28 is too old to live your parents but it’s not gonna help us find my iguana any faster.

“Your resume says weaknesses: hide & seek”
Yeah
“Can you demonstrate?”
Sure, count to 10
*Counts to 10 & opens eyes*
*I’m literally on fire*

6:00am: I’ll go to the gym in 20 minutes

6:20am: I’ll go to the gym in 10 minutes

6:30am: I’ll go to the gym in 5 minutes

6:35am: I’ll go to the gym in 2 minutes

6:37am: What time does McDonald’s open