NURSE: *bursts into break room* A man just came to the ER with a broken bone thru his skin!
DR DOG: *looks at other Drs* I’ll take this one
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Me: [buys six boxes of Girl Scout Cookies outside store]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout cookies.
I stepped on a plate of wet cat food this morning so no I don’t care about taking off my shoes at the airport
We’ve been having a problem here at work with guys spending too.much time in the restrooms. Not to get out if work but because the air conditioning in there is fantastic.
-tweet sent from stall #3
Sometimes I say, “Damn you to hell” after someone sneezes, just to mix it up a bit.
6YO said she’ll never be able to appreciate winter, cause snow on the bushes reminds her of cauliflower
I left Wyoming because I got tired of scrolling all the way down to find my state.
As a kid, I had to be careful not to curse around adults. Now as an adult, I have to be careful not to curse around kids.
Polite way of saying gfy in unwanted DM 😉
I wish I had the same faith in myself as people who leave me voicemails do
20s: There are three people? I’m not going to the party
40s: There are three people!! I’m not going to the party
I came across 3 snakes while mowing the yard today, but those of you in North America already know that because you heard me scream
[first day as a tampon designer]
Boss:
Me:
Boss: What kind of work did you do before?
Me: I made expandable dinosaur sponge toys.
boss: why aren’t you working?
me: i didn’t see you coming!
A horror story in seven words
Mom! Today, in music, we get recorders!
Wife: I hate that thing
Me: My glass? It’s a souvenir from abroad!
Wife: It’s a mug from Mexico
Me: It’s a collector’s item!
Wife: It says “Jalapeno Poopers”
Me:
Wife:
Me: You want me to toss it?
Wife: I want you to stop using it to serve scotch at dinner parties
Last night, my daughter asked, “Mommy, why was Daddy the only guy who dated you, if you’re so cute?”
“Oh, well,” I replied, “there used to be plenty of guys who were interested in me.”
“Yeah, but not anymore!”
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, we share it, right?
Me: [Using my Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
The worst thing about marriage is how it makes you start snoring. I never snored when I was single…
Her: I haven’t had sex in so long, I miss it
Me: Well we could…
Her: Not that much.
One of my boys just hit me with a “who’s all there” text so now I’m in the club taking attendance like an overwhelmed substitute teacher
I swallowed a Ice Cube and I haven’t pooped it out yet, I’m really scared you guys.
I want my hearse to have ‘JUST DIED’ written on the windshield with cans tied to the rear bumper.
Can you put some pants on my voodoo doll & pop some money in the pocket please
My 3 year old isn’t talking to me because I followed him home from the park
I’m starting to think the sharks on “Shark Week” eat people just to get on tv.
If simply wrinkling my nose at your smell is politer than spraying you head to foot with Febreze then so be it.
Not happy but so be it.
Sorry I didn’t hear a word you just said-I was looking at your man bun and all I could think of was cinnamon rolls.
Why do plane tickets have to be so expensive…you’re literally going that way anyway…just give me a ride.
Auto correct is my worst enema.