Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The look of dismay on my dog’s face tells me nothing is as unfair to dogs as when they’re chasing a bird and the bird flies off.

penguins mate for life, which is why you never see one smiling

Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history

The newlywed couple laughed when I gave them blankets labeled “his” and “hers.” Obviously this is their first marriage.

“The Burning Bush” but it’s just me getting laser hair removal.

Hell hath no fury like 2 parties who each think they have booked the conference room for the day.

I could finish folding this laundry much faster if the cat would stop “helping”!

Me: Coke please

Server: Sorry we don’t have Coke. Is vodka ok?

Me: Why yes, yes it is

*me trying new contouring makeup

Them: now just blend it…blend it

Revenge is not a dish you dumb fucks.

“Well maybe they shouldn’t make soap out of animal fat if they didn’t want people to eat it!” I yell from the emergency room, mouth foaming

Replying “cinnamon bun?” when your friend says she has a bun in the oven is wrong. I know this now, but in my defense I was craving Cinnabon.

Me: At least I’ve lost 5 lbs over the past week because of my depression

Therapist: Great, but happiness is our focus, not your weight loss, and you may gain it back once you achieve the feeli-

Me: OH MY GOD PEGGY CAN YOU JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE

When my ex worked out of town, he would take my vibrators away from me. Said I was cheating on him w/them. He shoulda taken his brother too.

My resume says, “Gimme a job,” and I’ve had four recruiters reach out because I was so direct.

I’m reading a podiatrist handbook. All it contains is footnotes

Me: My neck is a little stiff

Web MD: You’re in rigor mortis

If you cancel your Twitter account it’s called Twittercide.

If you cancel your Facebook account it’s just called Smart.

First of all, I didn’t take it, and second, I already put it back.

My son just demanded to be changed into different pajamas for breakfast.

Thanks, royal baby.

[dracula slapping mosquito]
holy shit that really IS annoying

[operating room]

SURGEON: We’ve lost him

NURSE: Exact time of death?

GUY IN THE CORNER INSTALLING CABLE: Sometime between 2pm and 6pm

therapist: so what would you like to talk about this session?

me: lois lane must have been like the shittiest reporter

Billy Joel song- A Matter of Trust
windy day song- A Matter of Gust
affair song- A Matter of Lust
push-up bra song- A Matter of Bust
Swiffer song- A Matter of Dust
rocket launch song- A Matter of Thrust
junkyard song- A Matter of Rust
deep dish pizza song- A Matter of Crust

him: your so cute! why are you alone!?

me: you’re

him: …

me: hello? hello?

the beatles: all you need is love

haddaway: I have a question

A grasshopper just jumped onto my foot and I reacted like I was being attacked by a shark.

I hate when you let your hostages outside to play on the trampoline, and then they just sit there and don’t even jump or have fun.

Urine for a real treat today.

-Toilets

I love when murder documentaries let me know that the scene they’re showing is a ‘dramatic reenactment’, like I thought a professional camera crew filmed John Wayne Gacy eating breakfast with his wife the morning after he buried a corpse under his floorboards.