nurse: do u want a pill for anxiety
me: no need i already have it
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Under Bush we had 3 Shrek movies.
Under Obama we had 1.
Can we really trust a president whose #1 goal was to bring down the Shrek franchise?
Them: Go big or go home
Me, 30 mins later, in my bed: This is nice
That eye roll….
True friends show up during the middle of a bad date, dressed like a police officer and pretend to arrest you for murdering 7 other guys after the first date.
[Security breach at Wayne manor]
BRUCE: *brooding darkly*
ALFRED: The back door is literally just a waterfall
I would be a terrible stalker because A) not motivated enough 7) you would always hear the rattle of peanut m&ms behind you.
T-Rex, watching the comet about to crash into the earth: I hope I’m remembered for my colorful and beautiful feathers.
thank us. at 3rd floor. hit yourself. you will. 3 months. from now.
LIFE HACK: give ur next child a normal name
ME: are u still mad that ur mother and i named u Life Hack
Why was E the only letter in the alphabet to get a Christmas present?
Because the rest were not-E.
If you’ve never baked pot brownies in an Easy Bake Oven… then you’ve never wrote an apology letter to your sister with an Etch A Sketch.
All this construction in my area makes me realize how many weapons are just randomly lying around.
Home Alone is my favorite movie about the inevitable homicidal tendencies that come from prolonged neglect.
Dont think about tomorrow because thats when the judge starts using the term premeditated.
Two reasons I don’t trust people:
1. I don’t know them.
2. I know them.
Where’s the hole?
*feels for it*
*tries to stick it in*
*misses*
Damn it! Wrong hole.
*fingers it*
*slides it in*– Me, plugging in my charger in the dark.
I don’t know if hand sanitizer actually works but it sure as hell lets you know where the broken skin is hiding
can’t afford invisalign so i’m having my teeth shrink-wrapped instead
I don’t want anti-wrinkle cream, I want a serum that bestows wrinkles upon my enemies.
“A Bunch of Stuff I Remembered and Then Compiled into a Narratively Cohesive Yet Inconsistently Compelling Tome: A Memoir”
All 3 kids need braces so I explained to them that they will have beautiful teeth but no further education.
All I’m saying is you’ll never find cheese in a recipe for disaster.
Enrique Iglesias wants to
1. Be your hero
2. Kiss away your pain
3. Stand by you forever
Enrique Iglesias is your mother
Me: You didn’t specify whether you meant “parallel” according to the rules of Euclidean geometry or hyperbolic geometry.
Driving instructor: My bad. Now see if you can back out of this person’s living room.
I hate when my therapist “makes a note” because I know that means she’s gonna try and circle back … but she wildly underestimates my filibuster skills.
Just because I reported several women to HR for not washing their hands after using the rest room doesn’t mean the camera they found is mine
* Open bottle of wine*
*Takes a sip*
He loves me
*Takes another*
He loves me not…
*at the confessional
Priest: .’..and do you repent? Do you plan to repeat these sins?’
Me: ‘You mean, like, ever?’
great news: all my boxes arrived
terrible news: all my boxes arrived