nurse: do u want a pill for anxiety
me: no need i already have it
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-Hello, RSPCA.
-Hello. There’s a polecat clinging to my ceiling fan.
-I don’t believe you.
-Well you’ll have to take my whirred ferret.
After all these years I still know how to make my husband moan loudly, I just ask him to do a chore around the house.
After having a backup camera, it’s really hard to not have one. Driving my daughter’s car and I just assume that I probably backed over a short person.
I’m at my most ninja when the motion sensor sink don’t work.
waiter: any questions?
me: did courtney kill kurt??
him: uh, about the menu?
me: LOL i seriously doubt she killed him about the menu
[consoling friend after break up]
me: don’t worry there’s plenty of other fish in the sea
global warming: like hurry tho
the fossil record doesn’t preserve skin so there’s no proof dinosaurs didn’t have tattoos
I felt bad for the monster so once a week we switch and I sleep under the bed.
[first date]
me: are you a reader?
date: omg i love reading
me: [handing her my menu] thank god
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along, my father was an avocado.
*sees cute bald guy in sunglasses
*spends 10 minutes flirting from across the bar
*realizes sunglasses are on the back of his head
The first person to eat a fortune cookie probably ate the paper too, which is unfortunate
Omg what a weekend – I don’t need to eat again for the rest of this year.
Is that cheesecake?
Me: hi 🙂
Woman at bar: it’s loud in here, I’m sorry, did you just say “colon closed parentheses” ???
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about walking down the aisle.
Him: I bet you’re good in bed.
Me: Oh hell yeah I am. I sleep solid as a rock!
“we want grandchildren” sorry hope you like podcasts
Me: *Trying to experiment in bed*
Her: *looking up from her book* What’s with the lab coat?
Gang initiations from the Midwest be like “you have to eat the entire potato salad”
Jesus: My God, why have you forsaken me?
God: Lighten up drama queen.
My son said that he was bored so I told him he could vacuum, dust or clean the kitchen & Oh! Look at that!
He’s nowhere to be found.
Her: Ugh. Don’t look at me. I’ve put on a little baby weight.
Me: DEAR GOD!! WHY ARE YOU EATING SO MANY BABIES!?
My 4yr old has started prefaceing questions with, “but don’t say no” and he’s got a lot to learn about disappointment
Practiced telling you off in the shower today. Warning, it went very well.
It was difficult as a kid raising two parents on my own.
every time you say the word “turnt” a baby gets run over by a smart car
My favorite thing about Twitter is that you can broadcast your opinion about anything, defend your opinion in an argument, and always run the risk of the person arguing with you being the one who literally created the thing you’re arguing about.
Trees meet other trees for sex through Timber.
You can have a good day with your teen or you can ask them to dress warm, you cannot have both
ME: “My time machine works! I just killed Bobby Hitler!”
FRIEND: “You mean baby Hitler?”
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:”I’ll be right back.”