Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Anyone know a Minecraft interpreter? I don’t understand my son’s Christmas list.

Welcome to your 50’s. It’s 11:40 pm, so this should be your 11th pee of the night.

When people don’t text me back I write their obituary and send it to them.

You’ve got some really nice shoulders. Can I put my arms around them?

Parkour is the act of moving through an environment in the fastest way possible. It’s all about speed and efficiency.

Now imagine the opposite of that. The slowest, least efficient way, to get to where you need to go. That’s what happens when my kid says he’s taking a shortcut.

me: so *slaps hood* what will it take to get me into this beauty?

car salesman: you cannot have my sweatshirt

Toddlers and Tiaras: Fat, sexually frustrated soccer moms invest their husband’s money in ruining their daughter’s lives.

going to red lobster does anyone need any red lobsters

I hope this email punches you square in the face

“How can I help you?
Hi I’d like a root canal
“Are you a patient here?”
No
“Who referred you to us?”
No one
“Ok then why-”
I have a Groupon

Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.

My uncle Don got married outside so he could smoke

[wears my camouflage hat] where’s my camouflage hat

if it smells like bullshit & looks like bullshit, it probably is bullshit. Putting sugar on it doesn’t make it a brownie.

5pm me: coffee doesn’t even affect me

4am me: I wonder if I can watch all the YouTube

If painting yourself into a corner was considered art, I’d be Michelangelo

H: What’s for breakfast?

M: I’m having potatoes and orange juice. *sips juice*

H: Great, when are you making potatoes?

M: They’re in my orange juice.

Me: “Your baby looks just like you.”
-“Thank you!”
Me: “Funny you took that as a compliment but ok.”

My mom accidentally killed my boyfriend this weekend. She didn’t recognize him when she was canning pickles.

I’m gonna be honest. Even after the vaccine I’m only gonna wanna hang out with 3 of you.

went to get pizza for lunch and when the guy asked what i wanted to drink i wasn’t paying attention so i looked this man in the eyes and said “a side of marinara”

I’m a professional air guitar tech.
The pay is crap but I enjoy the lifestyle that goes with it

hey idiots you don’t have to go back in time to kill hitler he’s already dead

dentist: the guy in the waiting room says your mother is ugly

patient: he doesn’t even know my mom

dentist: maybe you should punch him in the teeth

Airplanes are like bad printers. It sucks when they’re inside your office building

Me: [travels back in time but dies in the vacuum of space because I forgot to account for the earth’s orbit] ope!

My office got a shredder, so now I have to buy a turtle costume to fight it on Monday. Work is hard.

My husband refused to get glasses. But that was before he brushed his teeth with Preparation H.

Me to my daughters:
Someday this will all be yours.

*motions to bed covered with clothes, 43 pairs of shoes on the floor and 12 stray cats*