Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*seats stuffed animals around the table for a team meeting*

Everyone, I think I’ve been working from home for too long.

whenever I’m feeling overwhelmed i remember that i could be in the middle ages and in charge of getting those heavy af castle doors closed before the enemies enter.

Alexa: remind me to feed the baby

captain: any leads in the diarrhea case

detective: nothing solid

*in public restroom*

Mom in next stall, to toddler: No, honey. You don’t take your shoes off to go potty. You have to leave your shoes on.

Me, in my stall: *quietly puts my shoes back on*

LUMINEERS: we have a new song
PRODUCER: what’s it about?
L: deforestation and the loss of natural resources
P: what’s it called?
L: Susan

You know those women who write love letters to prisoners? Their vote counts just as much as yours.

2: I no want to eat pasta! It too spicy!
Me: Oh ok then
2: I no wan watch Mickey Mouse he too spicy!
Me: huh?
2: NO BATH TIME BATH TOO SPICY

A baby is 75% water. So if I walked on babies I’d be 75% Jesus. #SolidLogic

if you believe in the butterfly effect, then you know that people who react slowly to green lights are responsible for everything.

[speed dating]
ME: I like your hair
HER: OK
ME: And your teeth are so smiley
HER: You know this is a job interview, right?
ME: *rings bell*

*Making friends at the playground*

My 6yo: How old are you?

Other kid: I’m 13. What about you?

6yo: Oh I’m almost 13 – I’m 6.

My 4yo: *casually* I’m 15.

Who called it med school and not the I.V. League

I swear, even my ex lasted longer than my phone battery does.

My dogs have requested that I stop trying to homeschool them.

me: I’m in a terrible mood

friend: try drinking some water

me: how dare you my emotions are real and can’t be placated

[immediately after drinking water]
me: okay obviously the water didn’t do anything but I think while drinking I took time to reflect and feel better

Me winding up as the last man on earth is an unlikely scenario, but an awful lot of women seem to have already thought it through.

I like my salad like my poker opponents – obscured from view by a massive f****** pile of my chips.

SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE WEATHER REPORTERS RISKING LIFE & LIMB SO WE CAN ALL KNOW WHAT A 130MPH HURRICANE LOOKS LIKE IN THE DARK!

[coaching little league]
KID: did I do good today,coach
ME: you ate 4 dandelions in the 3rd inning alone, Brayden

My Boyfriend: Why are you so dramatic?

Me: (Getting eaten by a lion)

[bicycle race]

Me *way behind because I’m struggling to ride two unicycles at once* wait

SciFi Future:
Everything beeps and blinks.

Actual Future:
How do I make everything stop beeping and blinking?

[strip to the waist for my fight club debut]
Opponent: “dude they meant the top half” *walks away*
[I claim victory and retire undefeated]

i couldn’t figure out why i’ve had a headache all day until I heard 8 and 6 arguing about who remembered more about the emoji movie.

Why did the momma kangaroo add onions, celery and various spices and seasonings to her pouch?

She was making her kids marsoupial.

BETRAYAL

“Here’s the problem… You’ve got a Pokémon up there”

– me, as a proctologist

pharmacy child-safety bottles have gone so far that i just have to swallow the bottle whole and hope my stomach knows what to do

It’s like my nana once said….

You know you can block people on Twitter who confuse crochet with knitting, right?