Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

People who say that they don’t have time for my bullshit should wake up an hour earlier

I like my men, like I like my coffee.
So hot, that I have to keep blowing.

I’m so pro-life,

I believe life begins at erection.

ALADDIN: i can show you the world
JASMINE: wat why. do u kno that there are people out there. why do u think we live ina palace. no thank u

[first day as a vet]
me: what’s the problem
cat: meow
me: yes but where

i’ve found my new favorite subculture

Took my son fishing and as I was carefully baiting the hook he came up to me with a minnow he caught in a ziplock bag and said ‘daddy you’re trying too hard’.

There’s a Baseball field in Finland that has a river camera. The results are what I’d expect.

accidentally put my phone on airplane mode when i was in my car and the tires fell off

Music FACT: For security reasons, Kenny Loggins changes his name every 28 days.

two guys fighting over oars are just having a row it took me 3 hours to write this crap send tweet

Yes, autocorrect. That’s right. I wash clothes in my washington machine.

Emails now be like: I hope you are staying safe, sheltered in place, stocked with toilet paper, and healthy during these absolutely unprecedented, wild, chaotic, terrifying times. Just wanted to follow up-

one time i was listening to some really cool people having a conversation when one of them suddenly turned to me & asked, “what are you doing here?”

If the government keeps doing nothing for much longer, it will get its own reality show on E!

My kid lost a tooth and the Tooth Fairy doesn’t have anything less than a $20 bill.

This is not the motherhood I envisioned.

did you get the job?
“i don’t know yet”
when will they tell you?
interviewer: “keith can you please ask your mum to wait in reception”

I bet Usher shows everyone to their seats at his concerts.

*watching John Wick*

Ugh, 222 stairs would be difficult enough without fifty guys trying to kill me

I’ve learnt a lot from the movies over the years, such as how to count using Roman numerals…

I, II, III, IV, V, Balboa.

Vote for me I’ll cut the alphabet in half

Am I married? I got trapped in my jean jacket once and panicked cause I couldn’t take it off, what do you think?

Why didn’t they just call the Selfie Stick a NarcissiStick?

My daughter has a pink camo shirt in case she needs to infiltrate barbie’s dream house I guess

date: I think we’ve actually met before

picasso: sorry I’m not good with faces

If u ever rob someones house just bring guacamole that way if they catch you you can just yell surprise and tell them they’re having a party

Reality show idea: “So You Think You Can Touch Mike Tyson’s Nose.” Hidden camera. Tyson isn’t in on it.

some people wear bees as beards you say? well that seems pretty foolish to me because I have had only one bee on my face and it is terrifying