Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Gotta respect birds, living in trees means they completely avoid paying property tax.

Never trust a woman sucking a candycane into a sword.

My wife has been leaving jewelry catalogs all over the house.

So, Ive taken the hint.
Got her a magazine rack!

Egg nog was invented in Germany back in 1816 when Baron Von Heldebrandt reportedly said “Hey guys, let’s get this custard drunk!”

*puts cutlery down*

My tiny son awoke with this thought, “Mommy, my dream was glitching. Why my dream was glitching?”

*scrolls Netflix for The Matrix

It’s time.

With trump being a potential candidate I feel like the Simpsons are sitting on their couch watching an episode of us

My mother had a cure for slouching. I still flinch when there’s movement in my periphery, but I’ve got posture like a Marine.

canadians wear auxe boudy sprauy

Have kids so you can spend 2 hours making a nutritious meal and have it be labeled “yucky” by a tiny person whose last meal was boogers.

Every time I see a sign that says “Right lane ends,” I’m like, so does everything else, deal with it

Me: Can I have some of your candy?

3-year-old: Can I have some of your beer?

Me:

3:

Me:

3:

Me: Deal.

Wife: NO!

A new reality show “So You Think You Don’t Suck at Singing” where contestants vie for priority access to their local karaoke circuit

Made the mistake of telling my work wife about my Twitter crush. Long story short, the judge awarded her half the snacks in my desk and my good stapler.

My plant is drunk, it’s growing in the wrong direction.

Any restaurant can be family style if the waiter criticizes your order

“It’s just down the street ” – me describing a location 47 miles away

If I don’t stumble across a dead body soon, I’m going to quit jogging all together

ohhhhhh today’s Friday the 13th, that explains the last two years

Please don’t delete your tweet. Yes, it was pretty stupid, but my reply to it was a masterpiece.

I once got a ride home from the pizza guy by ordering 1 pizza to be delivered to the bar and 1 to my house. Pretty sure i deserve an award.

[class trip]

I’m farmer Joe, this is my farm

DO U HAVE COWS?

Yes, it’s a dairy farm

DO U HAVE WHALES?

Kid, why wouldn’t we have whales?

*pulls at 28° angle… FAIL

*pulls at 29° angle… FAIL

*pulls at 28.528419094° angle… STAYS!!

– Me pulling up Blinds

Big brouhaha at the farmer’s market today when the fishstand guy set up next to the candle lady and no one could smell her candles and her boyfriend the homemade soap guy tried to intervene but ended up buying a fresh cut salmon.

coworker: What’d you get for Christmas?
me: Drunk
coworker: What did your wife get?
me: Mad

Husband: Well, for starters, she introduces me as her current husband.
Marriage counselor: …
Me: …

CONCERT

AC/DC: Who’s ready to be Thunderstruck?
CROWD: *screams
ME: [from front row] IT’S IMPOSSIBLE TO BE STRUCK BY THUNDER!

How long do you wait before you introduce your girlfriend to your child? For arguments sake let’s say you’ve been dating for 3 years and the child is 6 weeks old.

Pronounce ‘bourgeoisie’ as if you were choking on a corndog.

Scroll
Scroll
Scroll your phone,
gently down the screen.
Merilly
Merrily
Merrily
Merrily
MY GOD THAT’S OBSCENE!!!!!!!!!