Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 10 y/o daughter checked my wife’s Fitbit and she “didn’t move enough last night to be Santa Claus” and I still don’t have a “real beard” so it appears the old man will be back next year.

The plan was to keep eating these alcoholic chocolates until I was either drunk or diabetic. I didn’t bargain on “bankrupt” being an option.

me: dating is hard

me on a date: the platypus doesn’t have teats so they sweat milk

Me: (from the back of the ambulance) CHANGE THE RADIO
Medic: Sir you need to conserve your strength
Me: I AM NOT DYING TO A COLDPLAY SONG

My coworker is pregnant and they passed a card around and I didn’t know what to write so I just put HAVE A GOOD BABY TANYA

Child: Can I borrow one of your shirts?
Me: Why?
Child: It’s School Spirit Week.
Me: And?
Child: Today is “Dress Like an Old Person Day.”

*sees cars lined up outside church*
wife: Is that a funeral or a wedding?
me: What’s the difference?

things are looking up for me, a very eccentric russian guy and his wife who claim to be artists and live in the house they’re building by the lake just invited me to their very weird sounding housewarming party

Wife: We are lost

Me: *driving a Nissan Pathfinder* LOL I think we’ll be fine

Martin Shkreli can look forward to a 5,000% markup on cigarettes in his near future.

Screw that. I love this bench and I don’t care who knows it!

“why is millennial humor so weird?”

it’s called a resurgence of neo-dadaism, you uncultured filth. take an art class and get depressed

*Into hospital bathroom emergency intercom*: um, someone put the toilet roll on backwards

me before getting into birding: OMG SHUT UP BIRDS IT’S 5AM

me now: OMG SHUT UP CAROLINA WRENS, INDIGO BUNTINGS, AND TUFTED TITMICE IT’S 5AM

Pat Sajak: I’m Pat Sajak.

Me: Jack.

Pat Sajak: No, my last name is Sajak.

Me: Jack

Every “People Actually Want To Return To The Office” piece sounds like it was written by a lonely office desperate for attention.

if anyone is picking on you, it’s really themselves they have a problem with, I promise

me: I’ll take this goth pear

cashier: that’s an avocado

Wouldn’t be mad at all if I found this instead of staples

[Phish concert]

“I have to pee.”
“Go when the song’s over.”
“How will I know?”

Me: *slides note to bank teller*
Bank Teller: So….you’re not robbing us, you just want to take a selfie with “mad cash” on your face?

“Don’t play with your food,” I say to a toddler eating crackers shaped like farm animals.

Them: But, if you’re both dudes, who’s “the lady” in your relationship?

Me: Janet Jackson. Always.

FUN FACT: next time you ask someone to pass a roll of toilet paper to you under a bathroom stall door gently grasp their hand and challenge them to a thumb war. They legally have to accept.

Him: You matter
Me: I know, Tarzan. We all are

Me: *buys item from online retailer*

Online Retailer: WE ARE MARRIED NOW

China has now legalised all gambling on the condition that it doesn’t make any political statement or upset public order.

Congratulations China, you are all now free to bet.

To save a bit of money on e-cigarettes I’ve started to roll my own batteries.

Oh, your kid gets straight A’s at school? That’s cool. My son knows exactly what to do in case of a zombie apocalypse.

I’m not saying four kids is too many, I’m just saying it would be kind of cool if I could melt them all down to form one kid, that’s all.