Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Slowly crawl towards your sleeping dog, put your face directly next to its face, and whisper “I know it’s been you shitting in my yard.”

prisoner 1: what are you in for?

prisoner 2: murder

prisoner 3: arson

hamburglar: alright well it feels stupid now

Turned off my lights for “earth hour”. I’ve never had so many other cars honking at me.

Wearing pigtails to relive my youth and scare men when I turn around.

10yo: You know that’s not what they mean by exercise, right?

Me: Pfft. [continues shaking Fitbit up and down]

I regret teaching my boyfriend about make up. I made a snarky comment to him and he goes “first of all, blend your contour before you come for me like that”

I’m forgetful. My wife is rememberful.

We can probably reopen restaurants right now if we all use feed bags

[consoling grieving widow]
so I guess you’ll be looking for a new owner for his pokémon collection?

Life is as good or as bad as you make it. Take responsibility for your choices, including how you feel about a situation. And breathe.

gf: Daddy
me: don’t call me that it’s creepy
gf: Sorry Baby
me: that’s better

Beyonce made a song called “Single Ladies” then went home to her husband and left you lonely hoes dancing in a circle pretending to be happy

One of my foster dogs chewed up my credit card and now my husband wants to keep him

thought i was going straight into retirement after high school with all that beanie baby money.

“What does the fox say?” Whatever the Rupert Murdoch tells it to.

wife:Gotta go. You guys gonna be ok?
me [making my Pop-Tart pop out of the toaster and trying to catch it] Come on!
wife:9, you’re in charge

Here’s a list of all the things my toddler doesn’t fight me on:

My wife and I divided up the important talks we’ll have with our daughters.

She’ll handle puberty, sex, and college.

I’ll handle zombies.

This pepper has seen some shit

“I just talk a lot when I’m nervous.”

-Narrator: In reality, she talked a lot, all the time.

[on the phone]

Me: I can’t make it in today
Boss: That’s the 3rd time this week
M: *neck deep in Kit Kat wrappers* I have a problem

i have good and bad news

Wife: Ok, the bad news?

i didn’t clean out the garage

Wife:*sigh* the good news?

[holds up cat dressed as Thor]

Me: I love you so much, you know that?

Toddler: *slaps me in the face*

Walking around naked is a great motivator to get back to the gym

Excited for the return of Game of Thrones.
Not excited for the return of the phrase, “If you’d read the books, you’d know that…”

God inventing dogs like “what if your best friend sometimes pooped in your living room and ate your shoes?”

My dad, leaning on the fence at the edge of the diamond: GO TO FIRST BASE. GET TO FIRST BASE

Me, enjoying a picnic with my date: dad please

*Quietly opens a bag of chips during a job interview

One thing about me, I’m a clear communicator