Nurse: Doctor this man needs an IV!
Roman Empire doctor: OF WHAT? HE NEEDS 4 OF WHAT?!
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[New printer]
Align printer *prints page*
Clean printhead *prints page*
Print this test page *prints page*Ink low, replace cartridges
2024 has been a rough few years
Did my child attempt to cross the Sahara desert, and collapse, unable to make it? Or did they struggle to throw a wrapper in the kitchen trash? It’s impossible to tell.
just baked a deliciously fragrant apple pie. gonna leave it to cool on my windowsill. should be fine
[starts Power Point presentation titled “Why I’m Breaking Up With You”]
Him: Wait, what the–?
Me: Please hold all questions until the end.
wife: “just break it to him gently”
me: “ok ill try”
[tucking son in bed]
me: [opening story book] “once upon a time your grandma’s dead”
After 35, your body ages in dog years
I’m trying to eat healthily but there’s still so much cheese in the fridge. And it’s illegal to throw cheese away. Not sure what to do.
I guess I’m going to have to eat the cheese.
Yes. I am now actively eating the cheese.
My 10 yo is talking to me past 9 pm. Why is he attacking me like this?
Cats throw up a lot, so when choosing your pet’s food, I recommend something that matches the carpet.
#caturday
ZzzQuil should come with a warning label saying “May cause you to wake up naked at a 7 Eleven while everyone is staring at you.”
Don’t move, I know what I’m doing.
*takes a nap
worst time to be eaten by wolves is obviously the full moon. usually when something bites you, you can at least say “that sucked, but i know what did it. heres the situation.” full moon wolf bite? you’ve gotta be wondering “this could’ve been a guy named derek.” humiliating.
If you start a sentence with “I seen”, i’m just going to go ahead and assume the next part will not be “the inside of a book”
You better take care of me Lord, if you don’t you’re gonna have me on your hands.
For sale: baby shoes. tried to wear them. didn’t realise they were for a baby.
My kid can’t remember if it’s “heck” or “hell” that he’s not supposed to say in school, so he’s been switching between them both and I’ll just go ahead and pencil in a meeting with his teacher now
Review for this new shatter I just tried:
Thinking about how if someone stole my deck I wouldn’t be able to get into my house because the door is too high.
FRIEND: What do you think?
ME: *passing joint* Hell yes!
ME AS SATAN: *holding a pitchspork*
Sorry I said “What is it?” when you showed me your baby.
A guy riding a bike past me said “hey how you doing” just before I called over my dog with kissing sounds, which was awkward but now I have a date
Man to Psychiatrist; Dr I’m very depressed, all my 3 sons want to grow up and want to be valets.
Psychiatrist; This is the strangest case of Parking sons disease I’ve come across.
I read a news article about a guy who bought a golden egg for $13k that turned out to be a Faberge egg worth $33 mil. Those kinds of lucky stories would never happen to me. There will never be a news story that says “Man finds lost Rembrandt painting inside bag of Doritos”.
me: our son was just arrested for a violent crime
wife: omg battery?
me: about 90% but focus
It takes my husband longer to choose a rental car online than it did for us to choose the names for our sons.
Why doesn’t Popeye’s serve spinach?
On second thought this “Thug’s Life” tattoo probably shouldn’t have been done in Comic Sans.
How many people out here using bar soap? I don’t think my kids would even be able to identify it
*pandemic ends*
Mother Nature: HOW ARE THEY STILL ALIVE??!!!