Nurse: Doctor this man needs an IV!
Roman Empire doctor: OF WHAT? HE NEEDS 4 OF WHAT?!
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[watching The Notebook]
Her: Noah wrote Allie a letter every day for a year
Me: I bet each one just said, Hey
Bathroom hand dryers are amazing if you want to kill a few minutes before wiping your hands on your pants.
the concept of sister cities was developed so that towns could borrow each other’s dresses
[being strapped to a medieval torture table]
“tbh not what I thought you meant when you said you were going to show me a nice rack”
I asked my wife one simple question and now she’s all like “Why do you want to know if llama fur is flammable?” I can’t tell her anything.
Sorry I said, “Maybe you’ll do better next time” when you showed me your baby.
after a certain point in life the “walk of shame” is about a plunger
america, 1969: let’s put a man on the moon
teletubbies, 1997: we’re gonna put a baby in the sun
I give new meaning to the word “awesome.”
At least I did when I changed the Wikipedia entry.
[at therapist]
I don’t know, sometimes I just feel invisible
Therapist: WHO SAID THAT?!?
Got flagged by airport security because my son had a Magic 8 Ball in his backpack. Two TSA agents debated whether it was ok. My husband said, “If only we had a simple way to answer a yes or no question…” Crickets.
My new hobby is adding unnecessary adjectives like “frozen ice cubes” or “granulated sand” and watching people’s eyes twitch.
ME: let me be frank
DAD: [eyes widen]
ME: and if you say hi Frank I’m dad, I’m gonna be real pissed
DAD: fair enough GonnaBeRealPissed
Wife: We named you after Grandma
Me: Yes that was my idea!
Grandma: They all laugh at me at school
Leaving kids home alone now: Keep your phone on at all times, text me every 15 minutes, don’t answer the door or look out the window, only eat soft foods that require minimal chewing…
Leaving kids home alone in the 80s: Don’t use the stove.
Stop bragging about your workout pics. Do you see me post every box of donuts I eat.
I keep a knife & cream cheese in my pockets in case i’m attacked by somebody with a plain bagel
In current news:
US: Stop that
Middle East: Stop what?
US: That
Middle East: This?
US: Yes that
Middle East: This?
America: OMG STAAAHP
[Snow White sees her doctor]
Snow White: How bad is it, Doctor?
Doc: Damn it I told you I’m a mine worker not a doctor. It’s my name, idiot
Imagine having a party on purpose.
Sometimes I am proud of my mistakes, sometimes I am ashamed.
My kids: We have NAMES, Dad!
My son asked why my legs are “so fat.” You’re damn right I’m here for validation.
Me: Yells at my kids to stop wasting water.
Also me: Washes same load of laundry three times.
Work in IT. Spend most days in server room doing “urgent security patches”. I have a gaming pc in there disguised as a server and I just play games all day. Have done this since 2017. I get praise from my boss for being so hot on security issues. On 50k a year + getting bonuses.
Please stop referring to things as “Orwellian”. Some of us haven’t read his books yet and you’re spoiling them
Mom was disappointed there were no fights on her flight. I gave her some tips for the return flight.
how do we even know zombies only eat brains? it’s not like anyone has ever tried to offer them a hotdog or something
when isolation is over, we should all be allowed to commit one (1) crime since we’ve technically already served the time for it
You feel like you’re an okay parent winging it as best as possible and then you ask your almost 4yo what her favorite number is and she says “A”.
Me: I’m so sorry, my dog ate my homework
Comp Sci Professor: your dog ate your coding assignment?
Me:
Prof:
Me: it took him a couple bytes