Nurse: Doctor this man needs an IV!
Roman Empire doctor: OF WHAT? HE NEEDS 4 OF WHAT?!
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My whole life is that moment when you send an important e-mail mentioning an attachment without the actual attachment.
[Life Pro Tips]
when considering crime, avoid anything that could add the prefix “international” to charges
If you don’t win at least 3 made up arguments in the shower, are you even clean?
NEW ROOMMATE: What’s mine is yours.
[30 seconds later]
NEW ROOMMATE: I need my wheelchair back.
“Thanks for the homemade wine. If going blind had a flavour, this would be it.”
* why I’m not allowed to write thank you cards anymore.
When you’re eating fries and get that one- not a cold one, not a sharp one, but one tastes like death, like something went real wrong- and then you just keep going.
Half the time I hug anyone I’m just wiping my hands off on their back.
going ballistic.
anyone need anything?
The Amazon delivery drivers in my area are shit but my neighbors sure do order some really cool stuff.
A realistic Godzilla movie would be 2 cats defeating him by tripping him and purring on his legs while he’s trying to walk down a mountain.
You cowards just love watching the NFL Draft while you’re all too chickenshit to go off and serve in the football yourselves.
*gets arrested
*mug shot posted
*waits for modeling contract
Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle online with a 14 year old boy.
Facebook is so funny. It’s a group called Black Jeep owners and a white man posted him and his black jeep and said “totally misunderstood the group name but I’m rolling w it. I love it here.” 💀💀
“Cows kill more people than sharks.”
“I’m surprised cows kill any sharks at all.”
sugar daddy: I’m gonna spoil you
salt daddy: I’m gonna preserve you
Husband: “How do the kids keep getting sick?”
Me: [picturing all the things the toddler licked last week] “No idea.”
It is kind of inspiring that I messed up my life without drugs, gambling or a troubled youth. People really can do anything.
diet tip: eat all your meals in front of a industrial fan
If I was on death row I’d request my own heart as my last meal. But they wouldn’t be able to extract it til they killed me: Catch 22. I walk
Still complaining about the guy with a million followers taking credit for your tweets? Never had a boss have you?
Me: I will not be tricked into buying stuff I don’t need.
Ad: Buy 4, get one free.
Me: I’ll take 10 then.
My new credit card has this awesome theft protection where it just says “declined” whenever you use it.
Camping? Like sleeping with my bedroom window open?
[Tornado warning]
Me: It says to seek shelter.
Husband: We’re in the house.
M: They mean the basement.
H: I’m more afraid of the basement than I am a tornado.
Don’t worry if you had a bad day, remember there are people who have their ex’s name tattooed.
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* why aren’t there any female Transformers?!?
Quite possibly the best sign I have seen before the day ends 😂
the idiots at NASA just hit Jupiter with one of their fireworks
My 12-year-old went to a movie with a boy.
I gave her money for her ticket.
The boy paid.
I did not get my money back.
I learned an important lesson about dating today.