Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Meat Cute

I bet she has a tough time finding a coffee mug with her name on it.

Grocery store bagger: need help out to your car?

me: *gets in the cart* yes.

Blackout curtains because I’ll decide what time it is.

me: i’m really glad we met, i feel like I can completely be myself around u. u had me at hello

kidnapper: pls stop talking

Appendi
Appendii
Appendiii
Appendiv
Appendv
Appendvi
Appendvii
Appendviii
Appendix

You can’t give everyone everything they need. You are not a cruise ship.

AMBER: Can you put a candle in my husband’s burger?
WAITRESS: Aww, of course. Is it his birthday?
AMBER: No, I just want to see him eat a candle.

[travels back in time to warn 12 year old me about playing video games too much] you become fat and lazy and-whoa Mortal Kombat 2 scoot over

6: Dad, let’s make a deal. Let me be in charge of everything, and I’ll let you have 10 coffees a day, also you can have…

Me: Sold!

Marriage is a little less fairytale and a lot more lying on opposite couches in your rattiest pajamas arguing over which brand of saltine crackers is superior while the same show you never really watch replays on the TV in the background

In the middle of an argument, begin calmly folding a blanket if you want the other person to go truly ballistic

Welcome to your fifties; you have a favourite hip now.

I’ve never been introduced before entering a room unless you count “Shh, here she comes!”

“Can I buy you a drink?”
Sure! What’s your name?
“Uhh. I don’t know. I never get this far”
You don’t know your name?
*sweats* Pants are cool

I hired a PR team.

They said the public would like me more if I stopped executing people.

I executed the PR team.

Executioner: Any last words

Me: No, I’m –

My boss, running full speed: WAIT WAAIIIITTTT *gasping* I need you on this conference call

Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: pass

Officer: have you been drinking?

Me: pass

Officer: You can’t just keep..

Me: pass

I remember when rollercoasters were fun, not a daily emotional existence.

*Gets divorced*
*Deletes ‘actress’ from LinkedIn profile*

My bologna has a first name.
-Oscar Meyer

All of my food has a first name.
– Jeffrey Dahmer

This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.

I was wondering what was poking my stomach and it was a potato chip I had with my lunch that fell down my shirt. Damn we even took a nap together.

WIFE: you probably need a shower

KID: why? how do I smell?

ME: *without looking up* with your nose

[ no-look high five from WIFE ]

wife: I saw a baby on the way to work

me: how do you know?

wife: how do I know I saw a baby on the way to work?

me: yeah, did it have a tiny briefcase or something?

wife: what

GOD: *flipping a coin* Heads! That means it’s the murder hornets.

ANGEL: *sighs* Fine

GOD: Don’t worry, I’ll release the torture squirrels next month

Doctor: Let’s take a look at your chest shall we

Pirate: No

Spider-Man: I climb like a spider and shoot webs to prevent crime!

Ant-Man: I shrink to the size of an ant to defeat enemies!

Cowboy: I uh

Spider-Man: Go on!

Cowboy *quietly* I have 4 stomachs

The coolest thing about the last Hobbit movie was knowing it was the last Hobbit movie.