Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dating is an expensive way to find out you don’t like someone.

Toasters must work on some exponential scale. Two minutes barely toasted. Ten more seconds burned beyond recognition.

I’m just one bad financial decision away from a flip phone.

You can tell you’re dealing with a professional by the way they carry on an entire conversation without ever taking the cigarette out of their mouth.

What Harry Potter house am I in?! I am a SERIOUS and MATURE adult.

So Ravenclaw.

Does your wife know you met your soulmate here three times last month?

me: omg why are you so obsessed with me

cop: because you ran over 4 people back there

Parents: back in the day, we didn’t go to therapy

Me: it shows

I’ve been on my best behavior ever since the words “you can be charged as an adult” applied to me

If anyone tells me doing something is a piece of cake, I presume it will gradually kill me by making me fat.

Ask your doctor if asking your wife what she did all day is right for you

*Jesus sits down at the bar*

“The boss says we have to start charging you for water”

Sure the blue urinal cakes LOOK delicious but I’ve learned my lesson

romanian handyman I’ve known for two years came by today I said hey, how are you, he says “you do not need to say this”

“Oh sure, they can eat their own poop, no problem. They just CAN’T eat chocolate. It’ll kill them.” – God inventing dogs.

For sale: Golden Retriever, had for 9 months, has yet to retrieve gold. Should have bought a metal detector.

It’s good to know that if I’m ever being interrogated, a mosquito bite on the back of my ankle is what would finally break me.

anyone have any tips for making eggs that won’t leave my toaster a huge mess?

Timeouts just give children a quiet place to plot your murder.

Producer: This is a complete ripoff of Sesame Street.

Me: How so?

Producer: For starters, it stars puppets you refer to as “Moppets” named Large Bird, Herman the Toad, The Archduke, Alma, and Kurt & Arnie. And you call it…?

Me: Poppy Seed Blvd.

Producer: Get out.

The best revenge is living well. Starting after you murder the person who wronged you.

8: What do you want for Mother’s Day?

Me: I want you to do some chores.

8: That’s not special, though. You always ask us to do chores.

Me: Yes. The special part will be if you actually do them.

Important reminders

I finally figured out why the neighbor’s house is always so clean:

My kids don’t live there.

I had a race with a smart car today.

I was winning at first but my God there’s so much I can walk.

If you want to hear an elderly couple arguing for 2 hrs about whether they closed their garage door, go to a movie at 11AM on a weekday.

Pastor: For better, for worse?

Husbands: Sure.

P: In sickness and in health?

H: Yep.

P: Till death do you part?

H: I do.

P: And also she’s going to want some of your fries even if she doesn’t order her own.

H: Hang on … what?

please send your thoughts and prayers to my 8 yo who has a loose tooth and he is now incapable of doing anything such as emptying the dishwasher or eating veggies because they’re too hard to chew.

Leo: *names his child Oscar*
Doctor: “Would you like to hol-”
Leo: “Say it like we rehearsed it.”
Doctor: *sighs* “And the Oscar goes to…”