Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Coworker: See you next year. Hahaha

Me: Not if you die tonight. Hahaha

I have one of those signs in my house that says:

“Sorry for the mess,
We are making memories of mom being pissed off because we can’t listen the first 7 times to clean up our shit.”

“The curb is just a reverse pothole” I whisper to myself as I hear the wheel scraping against cement.

I think Amazon is missing a big opportunity to get into the paint industry. They could make big bucks selling Amazon Primer. #tuesdaymotivations

it’s Thanksgiving day. i’m carving a turkey. “ahem” i hear from across the house. it’s my old violin instructor. i sigh and then pick up the turkey, put it under my chin and continue an elegant sawing motion. she nods with approval.

if I ever lose an eye, I’ll want plastic surgery to move the remaining one to the middle

Her: I’m hungry. If you loved me you’d give me breakfast in bed 😉

Me: *hands her my emergency poptart from my pillowcase* only because ily

FIRST PERSON TO USE AN IRON: This battle hammer does wonders for my enemies’ shirts!

I am “I have to go to bed because my back hurts from sitting on the couch” years old.

Gotta say, as a Canadian, watching this season of America has been absolutely riveting. Kudos to the writers.

Sorry ISIS but we already have a religious state that nobody likes and is full of people that hate modern thinking: it’s called Kansas.

Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.

Friend: Dow dropped 45 points yesterday.
Me: I don’t follow basketball.

Impress your date by eating your mashed potatoes with both hands.

COP: Do u know why I pulled u over?

ME: *looks at the penguin in my passenger seat* God damnit Ralph I told u to put ur seatbelt on.

If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.

I’m not a helicopter mom.

I’m more of a “come & get me only if there’s blood” kind of mom.

I don’t go to high school reunions because Facebook lets me judge my old classmates every day and not just every 10 years

me: who wants to eat some sweet cheeks?

wife: for the last time, they’re called cinnamon buns

The road to hell is paved with good intentions

Note to self…avoid good intentions at all costs.

It’s like mama always says, you’ve gotta pickle your battles

Stick your battles in a jar
Pour brine all over your battles
Let those battles sit for months until they turn sour
Choose the juiciest battle and serve it with a nice pastrami sandwich

My 4 year old refused his dinner but it’s ok because I caught him eating a Milkbone earlier

American Horror Story: Public Restroom

The swamp creature from the haunted lagoon?

Nope just me back from the gym

[Wife comes home to find me with 6 dogs recreating the fountain scene from Friends]
Me: I can explain
Dog: Woof!
Me: Chandler shut up!

year 39, month 3: woke up a sentient tangle of meat and calcium again

Movie idea: a gang of precision bank robbers, who were—now get this—trained…by…a…Doberman.

Interviewer: “Why would you make a good customer service representative?”

Me: “I’m good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault.”

5 years ago when ‘House of Cards’ started we said, ‘That’s so scary.’ Now Trump is here and we’re like, ‘hahaha, House of Cards is adorable’

My favorite sex move is the reverse fire fighter. That’s where you get him all hot & then climb out the window & drive away in his truck.