Nurse: *handing me a newborn* You got this?
Me: Sometimes I have to dig through the trash to re-read the instructions for mac ‘n’ cheese
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Ancient wolves be like:
Eat a human and you eat for a day. Make puppy eyes, roll over and show your belly, and the human will feed you for lifetime.
me folding laundry: ugh another sock is missing
puppet on my hand: how does that keep happening
When Kanye rapped “Jesus was a truth seeker, he got crucified/ I bought a moose from a zookeeper, I got moosified”, I felt that
TV Show Idea:
Speculation news.
A sort of news programme that uses a small amount of information and stretches it out for hours on end with absolutely no further facts other than speculation based on nothing at all, by self appointed experts in unrelated subjects.
OBITUARY WRITER: How would you describe him?
WIFE: Very still, pale, awful social skills
OBITUARY WRITER: I mean before he died
WIFE: Oh! Haha sorry! Yeah, the same
Just saw a fat woman lick icing off of her sleeve so that is the last time I eat in front of a mirror.
Me, surprised: Why are you in a hurry to get to school?
7yo, matter-of-fact: My enemies are waiting
funny how dumbass pet animals will eat the same thing every day without realizing that Subway® offers over 19 different ways to Eat Fresh™
Next time you’re on a date and someone asks “Is that your boyfriend or your brother?” smile really creepy and whisper “Both”.
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
Apparently asking the car salesmen how many people can fit in the trunk is a no no.
The French word for sex is croissant.
Anyone: “Hey, I’m close to your house.”
Me: “Get away from it.”
WIFE: Let’s role-play
ME: OK
W: U be a teacher
*I get up & leave*
W: Where u going?
M: Do u have ANY idea how much paperwork I’ve got to do?
I saw a sign that said “Watch for children”
I thought to myself “That sounds like a fair trade”
“I think we should start touching other people.”
-Blind couple breaking up.
get you someone as goofy as you.. is.
Priest 1: Why is Matt Damon chained to that treadmill?
Priest 2: You said we needed to exercise the Dam-
Priest 1: DEMONS!! I said demons!
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 10 seconds” on YouTube*
*ad starts playing*
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 5 seconds”*
*picks out all the marshmallows from your Lucky Charms*
*replaces them with Flintstones vitamins*You looked a little sickly.
Work like you don’t need the money: Just stop and go home. Who cares? You don’t need that money
sleep paralysis demon: ew. why are you so sweaty?
Of course being a child is terrible .. They don’t give you any money and then make you watch commercials the whole time
I hate it when I’m having a relaxing shower & the mall security guard screams “Get out of the water fountain” & “Put your clothes back on”.
Dear parents,
Just because your kid is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean that they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. But it could mean that they just downloaded a demon from an occult website. Talk to your kids about the dangers of summoning demons through their phones.
I wish I’d gotten my affairs in order before I bit into this hot pepper.
She promised to teach me wax on, wax off. Only now my chest is bare, I’m frightened of candles, and pretty sure I still don’t know karate.
Remember when we wished we could read people’s minds? Social media has shown just how shitty that power is.
Morning school bus was 8 minutes late so [leaves 1-star Yelp review]
[getting completely dominated in a street fight]
ME: damn this toddler plays by her own rules