Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“and you are November’s PM yes?”

It only looks like my kids are having popsicles for breakfast, Brenda, those are clearly frozen smoothies

Welcome to Mixed Metaphor Day: it ain’t rocket surgery guys

my husband and I got into an argument because he says I waste money so as an act of apology I bought him a penguin

My wife has a “work husband” so I’m having him come over to load the dishwasher and get yelled at for doing it wrong

My uncle got stuck in a cloud while skydiving and lived for 72 days by drinking rain and eating birds that flew too close

Recreational running is the muggle equivalent of drinking unicorn blood. Sure, you’ll probably live longer, but at a terrible price.

got really excited about japanese politics for a minute there

Welcome to your 40s: you’re not exhausted that’s just your face now.

When two people miss a high five two ghosts get smacked in the face

The scene in Rocky where he breaks open raw eggs and drinks them but me breaking open Cadbury eggs into a glass of chocolate milk.

I was in the park vaping in a tree when skateboard punk yolo teens called me “poor,” but jokes on them — I make hundreds of dollars a year.

Sometimes, late at night, I’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.

Hour 6 without sex:
(oh, you mean with someone else?)
Year 8 without sex:

oh shit. came home & there is a giant cat in the bed

I’m so sick and tired of my friends who can’t handle their alcohol. The other night they dropped me three time while carrying me to the car.

If you’re gonna get on Mastodon, I would like to apologise in advance for being the guy responsible for posts being called “Toots”. I thought it was funny. And it is, and it’s even funnier that some people hate it. I take it back, I’m not sorry. Ha ha. Toots.

Instead of asking my kid if she’s brushed her hair, I ask if she’s cured cancer. I figure if I’m gonna be disappointed by the answer it might as well be about something really big

[First date]

“So, do you have any pets?”

Yeah, I have a pet crow. He’s white.

“You have an albino crow?”

He prefers the term cawcasian.

Is this:

A. A blue shark

B. A leopard shark

C. A pelagic thresher

D. None of the above

Today, I saw someone waving and I wasn’t sure whether they were waving at me or at someone behind me. In other news, I was fired from my lifeguard job.

$20k in my bank account (the k is silent)

“Let’s give the bad guy a ponytail.” – 80s movies

Bikes are held up by witchcraft if u can ride a bike you are a level 1 wizard & if u can ride a unicycle you are a level 2 dork haha owned

Insurance company: We need you to fax us the paperwork.

Me: Sure. Let me jump in my DeLorean and drive back to 1987.

Wife: [putting cheese on her eggs] do we need to change our diet?

Me: [putting cheese on my oatmeal] oatmeal and eggs are pretty healthy.

Wife: [putting cheese on her cheese] so that’s a no?

Me: [drinking cheese from the blender] definitely a no.

ME: i joined CrossFit

PRIEST: again, kind of weird but not a sin

Did you get that psychic damage I sent you

I can’t move mountains but I can shift blame.