Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Who named it “Viagra” …..
and not “Miracle Grow” ?

Hey
@Boeing
, my neighbor Gary that mows at 8 am, is saying a lot of bad things about your company. DM me for address.

Fact: If you eat a slice of pizza fast enough, your body won’t understand how many calories are in it.

When someone says “Idaho”, I still respond by saying “Udaho!” and I will never stop.

Hairstylist: so one of your sisters knows how to knit, crochet, and sew and the other one is an amazing cook/baker. What do you know how to do?

Me: Buy stuff

Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.

Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.

‘I murder drifters and use their hair to make little dolls. Oh, you meant at work! My biggest weakness is that I’m a perfectionist.’

Me: Wow. She has a mesmerising walk.

Him: Hypnotist?

Me: Oh hip noticed alright.

Car Salesman: This baby gets 26mpg and check out this nice interior!

Me: *placing several hot dogs in the cup holder* It’s not bad

being hungover on weekends is inefficient, you should wake up early on weekends and live your life. you should only drink heavily on weeknights so you can recover from your hangovers while on the clock at work

Most women desire someone who makes them laugh and also feel safe, so basically a clown ninja.

HR: No. 1 asset u would bring to Verizon customer support?
Applicant: Integrity
HR: Seriously?
A: No.
HR: Hired!

who called it an octopus not an armarmarmarmarmarmarmarmadillo

Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.

hello 9-1-1? my girlfriend’s been kidnapped
“stay calm sir, what’s ur girlfriend’s name”
oh she goes to another school u wouldn’t know her

That prank where you roll the windows down as you go through a carwash so your friends get soaked isn’t as funny when you do it by yourself

My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?

Me: Um, can you be more specific?

Husband: Let’s focus on this week’s developments

Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-

Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call

Not to be too edgy, but chocolate is now on average slightly too salty! It’s a nice change of pace, but not all candy needs to be seasoned like french fries!

My kid fell asleep in the car holding his half-eaten donut, so I did the responsible thing and finished it for him

For english press ONE. Para espanol el primo numero DOS. If you like totes can’t even right now, obvs press THREE.

You know you’re old when you see how many women Pete Davidson has been dating and your first thought is “he must be so tired”

I’d remove my mittens to text you back, baby

-Canadians flirting

JESUS: Take and eat; this is my body
ME: Umm
JESUS: Drink. This is my blood
ME: Can we get another waiter please!
JESUS: This is my mixtape

*ball flies past
15 love
-aw thanks
*ball flies past
30 love
-too kind
*ball flies past
40 love
-you too babe
Have you played tennis before?

BOSS: I’m sorry mike, but you’ve been downsized
ME: (75% of my original size, in a voice 125% higher pitched) ahh maaan

These kids act like they’ve never gotten a half-pealed hard boiled egg for Halloween before.

I argued otherwise, but the shoe inserts ended up improving my posture, so I stand corrected.

ME (just before the road trip): I can hold it until I get there.
ME (4 hours in):

I have watched this 10 times already she is so good!!!