nurse *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[5 minutes later]
me: *gives her the empty cup* i didn’t need this, there was a toilet
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Hollywood sets impossible standards we can never live up to. Not even once have I saved people from dinosaurs with my knowledge of Unix.
Elon Musk is now worth $208 billion.
You want to know how he did it? He skipped 34.67 billion lattes. It’s that easy.
[1868]
*forgets cup of coffee on top of horse*
me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
Saw another story about a missing hiker.
I never went missing sitting at home.
[Enters baby room late at night]
*flicks switch*
[baby’s got a raccoon in a headlock]
“What the-”
DAD CLOSE THE DOOR THIS PUNK OWES ME MONEY
My Girlfriend has spent the last 2 hours checking out every guy she sees.
I’m considering asking her to stop working in that Hotel Reception.
Having kids has taught me that their ears are for decorative purposes only.
I have achieved immortality.
I found a mysterious lamp and sure enough there was a genie inside.I wished that I won’t die a virgin.
My kid has been home since March 2020 and I don’t know what this says about me as a parent but tbh I’m actually really going to miss him when he starts school again next week…now who is going to do laundry, feed the dog, and switch out the dishwasher?
I grilled a chicken for two hours.
It still wouldn’t tell me why it crossed the road…
If ghosts exist, I bet there are a lot of haunted women’s locker rooms.
haven’t gone back to the gym since i kept using my phone and someone asked me if it’s fingers day
Me: i want a ferraro
Friend: ferrari?
Me: no just one
I did the universal sign for “call me” and my tween gave me a confused look and asked “on a banana?”
(At My Funeral)
FRIEND: Of course he found a way to avoid paying me back my $20.
ME: *muted snickering from the casket*
SAW 14:
HELLO JIMMY
I WANT TO PLAY A GAME
THE DOOR IS 10FT AWAY
THE FLOOR IS COVERED IN LEGOS
YOU’RE PROBABLY WONDERING WHERE YOUR SHOES ARE
my favouritest X’s, ranked:
9. _traterrestrial
8. _marks the spot
7. _ray specs
6. _chromosome
5. generation_
4. _tasy
3. _tra large portion of fries
2. _rated
1. _wife
Them: be yourself
Me: do you have any better advice
[getting interrogated]
good cop: we just want to understand what happenedbad cop: SPILL IT, PUNK
passive aggressive cop: seems like you could help us pretty easily but whatever, you do you, it’s what you do best
it’s really cute when pets sigh. like what ails u lil buddy
Imagine if your dad was a Minotaur and your mom was a Mermaid and you got the human half of both and now you’re just some guy
[INFOMERCIAL]
“Order now and receive 50% off The Clapper. CLAP ON.. CLAP OFF.. THE CLAPPER”
Tyrannosaurus rex: *Sighs… *Changes channel
IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE, NOT CHRISTMAS STEVE!!
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
Astronomer: hey look, a meteor shower!
Meteor: *scrubbing pits* a little privacy, perv.
There’s a woman reading the bible on the tube. Fighting the urge to lean over to her and say “He dies at the end”.
Most of Twitter could probably use a good bop on the nose with a rolled up newspaper
Make healthier choices. Steal from Whole Foods.