Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A stranger on the internet told me I probably have better things to do than spend time on Twitter.

It’s like he doesn’t even know me at all.

[office]

JERRY: Close the door! Were you born in a barn? Haha

{later}

HR: We recieved a complaint from Bessie

JERRY: Bessie?

HR: In accounting

JERRY: Uh…

HR: The dairy cow

JERRY: Oh right, Bessie

HR: Turns out she was born in a ba-

JERRY: Yes, I see where this is going

My 6yo fell over today because he was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street and I didn’t even see how he fell because I was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street

Hot, single, raccoons in your area want to rummage through your garbage.

[waking up in an amniotic pod realizing I am a human battery powering the Machines]:
lol this is so Capricorn.

Her: I like a man with an air of mystery.

Me: [trying to impress her] I’m under investigation for murder.

google just released their AI and all I’m going to say is that ur jobs are safe

It’s amazing what happens when you take a little time to get to know someone.

They become even more annoying.

Look on the bright side, parents. At least you have an excuse not to take your kid to Chuck E. Cheese’s now.

FUN FACT: next time you ask someone to pass a roll of toilet paper to you under a bathroom stall door gently grasp their hand and challenge them to a thumb war. They legally have to accept.

So quick to claim someone on your taxes yet so slow to make them a snack.

I was not made for a 9 to 5, I was made to eat pasta and lay in the sun like a lizard

I run down a hospital corridor, clutching the mustard dispenser I liberated from the cafeteria.

Earlier I had a plan. Now I have mustard.

TSA agent: I’m sorry we don’t allow liquids over 3.4 ounces

me: ok I’ll finish it here [drenches myself with Axe deodorant]

I wonder if anyone ever looked Jesus in the face and saw a piece of toast.

As part of our environmental target, we recycled* 87 tons of aluminium this morning, 5 tons of rubber, 18 miles of wiring and 7 tons of glass.

*plane missed the runway

I’ve never felt more geriatric than when I just looked up movie times and audibly gasped at the audacity of a 9:45 pm start. No sir! I will be 30 min into my melatonin induced coma by then.

ALBUS: It’s a Time-Turner! We can travel back in time and change ANYTHING.
SNAPE: That’s amazing. We can save-
ALBUS: Nah, gave it to a kid.

LIFE HACK: If you want to remember something write it upside down on the back of your underwear waistband. You’ll see it when you’re pooping

Lately I do feel like my body and I are in a passive-aggressive fight that’s rapidly escalating.

My medical bracelet just says “Call 911” because people are idiots

[meeting]

BOSS: We need a name that gives us a good ad slogan

ME: Perhapselline?

MY NEMESIS GARY: Maybelline?

B: You’re incredible, Gary

My son came home for spring break with all clean clothes and doesn’t need me to do his laundry and I am just so very, very confused.

How frustrating would it be if you turned into a zombie before you had a chance to put your dentures in?

Those who run away from me are afraid that they might confess their love to me.

Detective: I’m gonna need an interpreter, who killed that man

Frat boy: bruh like straight up this dude low key swooped in here, yeeted his life away and skeeted

Interpreter: I can’t help u dude

M: Yes, I’m here for the complimentary wine tasting.

Priest: Ma’am, this is a church service.

M: Oh, no worries. I can wait.

Denise please return my vape pen

Sometimes you’re Godzilla, sometimes you’re Tokyo