Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

America. Where assault weapons will protect your family, but two dudes getting married will destroy your family.

Looking forward to the day when “having a case of Corona” means you’re going to the beach and not the hospital.

don’t never drink and drive. drive high.

Veterinarian- You’re here to discuss your dog’s salivation?
Me- No. My dog’s a good dog, he’ll go to Heaven! I’m here about his slobbering.

Robin: Well, I’m a terrible fighter. I get held hostage hella easy. I say “holy” literally about anything that happens

Batman: You’re hired

December birthdays be like…

[breakfast]

Her: Ugh. Dropped an egg.

Me: You could just say you’re ovulating, you know.

Can’t believe todays Wordle was UPDOG.

My clothes aren’t wrinkled i have an iron deficiency.

I never met a cheese I didn’t like.

[Glass slipper fits on ugly girl with same shoe size as Cinderella]

Prince Charming: Um… well. Tell ya what, I’m gonna keep on looking.

Guess for Halloween my 6yo is going as an Amazon package that was supposed to arrive last week

Me *on the phone*: Yeah it’s just an annual check up.

My 8 year old bursting into the room: OMG I DON’T WANT TO GO TO THE DOCTOR AND GET A SHOT!!

*hyperventilates*

*vomits*

Me: It’s for the dog.

8: Oh. Can I have a snack?

“Its odd how the Church just lets
pedophile’s grant forgiveness”

Anyway…thats why I’m not allowed
in Confession anymore.

Son: “Mom, Dad we need to talk…. I’m a vegan”

**Mom cries running out the room

Dad: Why can’t you just have a normal eating disorder?

Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.

Neighbor: Nice. I got-

Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything

A woman just dropped a £10 note next to me. I thought, ‘What would Jesus do?’, so I turned it into wine. I bought wine.

[pet shop]
me: excuse me, do u work here?

hamster: no

If you think Mayweather vs. McGregor is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just paid $100 to watch it.

Dating in your 50’s is great!

Although my husband’s not that keen, tbh

Me, one day after taking the new blood test that tells you if you’re an idiot or not: science is actually really overrated.

Quit doubting my abilities, I can drive with one hand and crash the car with the other…

No one told me that part of motherhood is consistently looking like the before on a makeover show.

I am absolutely no good at dumping people. I couldn’t even bring myself to switch drycleaners until my old one died…

Whole Foods announced that a Prius left their lights on in the parking lot and now I have the store all to myself.

my favorite posts on fb are the people who apologize for not having be on in a while and nobody cares that they’re back

“What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers* “What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”

I just brushed my hair while wearing a fuzzy sweater and now I can make a streetlight come on by touching it.

God returns to his desk with a midnight snack. He squints at a video feed of Earth. The plate of nachos falls to the floor in slow motion.

Imma get shredded!

Goes to the cheese aisle.