Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Brie: France
Feta: Greece
Jack: top of the beanstalk

I doubt God made us in his image, because Snooki.

I don’t know who needs to hear this, but the worst thing you can do when you notice your kids are playing nicely together is telling them that you like how they’re playing nicely together.

Today was so terrible, I thought
Steven Seagal was in it.

There’s a butterfly in my office and a nerf gun in my purse. Susan, clear my schedule.

ZZ TOP: SHE’S GOT LEGS
ME: *imagining a woman with legs* nice
ZZ TOP: SHE KNOWS HOW TO USE THEM
ME: *imagining a woman walking* NICE

I’ll say one thing for 2020: it stopped all those stupid “Keep calm and” things in their tracks

dad: when i die, donate my body to science

[later]

me: *handing an urn to the first guy in a labcoat i see* uh here you go

Lao Tzu:
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step

Lao Tzu [after having kids]:
It now takes a thousand steps before I even start a journey, godDAMMIT

Word.

~ Microsoft.

My 3yo just reminded ME to wash my hands after we got home so if anything good were to come out of this pandemic it’s that we’re raising a less gross genera- ope never mind he just ate a booger

Alien: We’ve returned, show us what you built with our technology

Egyptians: …

Aliens: …

Egyptians: ok don’t be mad

If you can tell from my eye contact at the grocery store that I’m inviting you to race shopping carts, you’re my kinda people.

I hunt my potatoes the old way. Naked, in the snow, with a bow and arrow.

Some days I feel like my life is going super well, & then I get my hair caught in my umbrella.

And also my car door.

I’d like to apologize…

To anyone I have not offended.

I’ll be with you momentarily.

What do you call the sexual orientation where you’re attracted to both and men and women but they’re not attracted to you?
Bi-yourself.

Apparently, Indian banks will give you a loan only if you prove that you don’t need it.

“At least you’ll be safe from zombies,” I whisper to myself as I struggle to get my head out of the armhole of my shirt.

Beware of the “party goblin”…

Relationship Status:

Got put in the friend zone by a succubus playing around on a Ouija board.
I can’t even get lucky in the spirit world.

Junior scholars: “I feel awkward citing myself”

Senior scholars: “as I cleverly argued (1988; 1991), admirably reiterated (1993; 1995; 1996); and handsomely concluded (2001; 2004; 2007)…”

apparently this year was written by stephen king

Whisper out to librarians!

[robber waving gun around in bank] nobody move a muscle
[me making eye contact with him then to the popsicle in my hand then back to him]

One of my favorite memories is of the time my sister threw a pocket dictionary at me and my mom told her to go to her room and think about how hurtful words can be and then laughed to herself for like three minutes

I don’t know why guys love anal. My ass is an exit only. Unless I’m drunk. Or he’s rich. Or cute. Or has all his teeth.

church choir: faatherr, sonn, aand hoolyy g-

[the ghostbusters barge in]

church choir, nervously: -oooats

[ghostbusters slowly back out]