Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

the biggest problem we’d face in a zombie apocalypse wouldn’t be the people hiding zombie bites, it would be the people who informed their employer they’d been bitten and got told “we still need you to come in and work your shift until you turn”

[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] we lost a man, but we gained a corpse

After about two minutes I would definitely start to assume the clapping was sarcastic

The people who thought I could never pull off wearing a beret owe me an apology.

Football is so cute it’s like some guys are like we’re gonna get you and one guys like no no no no

MY LAST MEAL ON DEATH ROW WILL BE RICE CAKES CAUSE THEY NEVER FILL ME UP AND I’LL JUST KEEP EATING UNTIL ALL THE GUARDS DIE

Me: All I want is for a man to bring me a rose-

Friend: Well, that’s not asking much.

Me: colored diamond.

[Prehistoric times]
Mom: When you get married, your husband will be the hunter

Daughter: So I gather

Yesterday our friend couldn’t make it tho the bar so instead of canceling they sent one of their other friends, which none of us have ever met, to replace them. You can do that? We are allowed to send in substitutes???

If you see me jogging, please kill whatever the hell is chasing me.

My son just said he’s going to call me “Squishy” to match my stomach and now I need to have another kid just so I can have a favorite

Her: baby can you come up here and play with me?

Me: *sprints up stairs

Her: I’m kidding. Can you hand me the remote?

Me: this is so us

Uber: *text* It’s your Uber driver. I’m outside of the bank

Me:*texting back* Nobody move! Put the money in the bag!

Uber: What?

Me: Lol srry had talk to text on. Be right out

“Don’t play with your food,” I say to a toddler eating crackers shaped like farm animals.

Tried a sample of rosemary mint body wash today and now I smell like a very clean roast chicken.

Made it to the level of old where I turned down a beer so it wouldn’t mess with the aftertaste of the milkshake I just had.

[day 8 of quarantine]

me: *hiding under the bed* too much family time

monster under the bed: lmao, why do u think im here

me:

monster under my mom’s bed: sweetie where’d you go? we’re gonna play monopoly again

monster under the bed: please don’t tell her im here

I finally ordered Life Alert. I’m not old I just do a lot of stupid shit

A super moon is just like a regular moon except Lois Lane doesn’t recognize it when it’s wearing horn rimmed glasses

Me, to myself: I am a strong and independent woman. I’m perfectly capable of doing things by myself.

Me, to my toddler: I’m calling Santa.

Only in Canada during a winter storm will you see kids playing road hockey.

CONTRACTOR: it’s a small leak you just need a plumber

BOWSER: castle’s ruined boys we’re moving!

i wear a mask when i sleep, because who knows who’s going to come into an Arby’s bathroom this close to the highway

[My 8yo looking for something]

OMG WHERE IS IT IT’S GONE FOREVER WHAT DID YOU DO WITH IT I’LL NEVER FIND IT WHERE COULD IT BE MY LIFE IS RUINED WHYYYYYYY—oh, here it is.

Angel: we need to make more creatures

God: why?

Angel: you killed them all

God:

Angel: giant meteor..

God: oh ya lol, idk bring back wooly mammoths they were cute

Angel: but the ice age is over it’ll be too hot

God: c’mon man it’s the weekend just shave em or something

there’s a lot of rumors going around about me about how I exaggerate the number of rumors going around about me

If we hadn’t made them extinct, instead of kung fu panda we could have had tae kwon dodo.

You can keep your romantic gestures like holding a boom box over your head or boiling a bunny. Real romance is your husband coming home with family size bags of Skittles and Twizzlers.