nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: oh I didn’t need it, there was a toilet
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When I was in 2nd grade, a girl in my class had a large pack of crayons. I wanted it. She asked if I would trade her my soul for the crayons. I said yes. But my mom made me trade her back so I could keep my soul & said if I traded my soul away again, I was grounded.
Never share breakfast with a duck‼️
I lost 800 pounds (7 friends) since i started the keto diet
Me: if I had to review it, the beginning was boring, none of it was believable. I didn’t care about the main characters but we got cake so one star
Bride: did you at least enjoy being maid of honor
Prosecutor: What exactly were you doing May 26, 2016?
Me: According to my tweets, I was sitting in my car eating Wendy’s.
So what happens to the pizza at the end of a porn film?
[on a first date]
“Have [gestures across the whole menu] whatever you want. I hear the McRib is particularly excellent this time of year.”
Me at 18: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
Me at 34: If I don’t get some sleep, I’m going to die.
“Hello from the outsiiiiide. I must have called a thousand tiiiiimes”
– me, drunk, leaving my wife another voicemail because I’m locked out
Sex with me is like a roller coaster. There’s lots of screaming and sometimes people fly out and die.
boss: there aren’t problems, only opportunities
me: ok there’s a huge cockroach opportunity in the break room
Baby sharks can hunt for food as soon as they are born and my children cannot find their underwear drawer.
Sometimes you just have to throw away a few sheets of perfectly good printer paper so it can hide all the candy wrappers in your trash can.
still burning off that Cinnabon i ate in 1997
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch just one video.
every movie should have a part where it flashes MEANWHILE ON SKULL ISLAND and they show us what king kong up to
Telling a mother her baby is cute is like giving your compliments to the chef
What animal do I respect most? The octopus. I have no idea what to do with my hands most of the time, and I only have two of them.
“It’s impossible.” said pride. “It’s risky.” said experience. “It’s pointless.” said reason. “Ggrraadrttgrrtrr.” said Chewbacca.
I remember the first time I saw a McDonald’s “Free refills on same visit only” sign on their soft drink fountain. Shaking my head, I thought, some people are so damn cheap, while grabbing as many napkins and ketchup packets as I could hold.
Fun Fact:
If you flick your wife’s nipple really hard while she’s sleeping, it’s extremely funny … for about 3 seconds.
A blue whale is so big, that if you laid it end to end on a basketball court, the game would be cancelled.
#BasketballDay #RubbishJokes
Jane: I miss England
Tarzan: Me not know you do beauty pageant
If you don’t have a crazy neighbor, you are the crazy neighbor.
If God wanted us to be vegetarians, he would have made broccoli more fun to shoot at.
If these seasonal allergies don’t kill me, that person I just sneezed all over probably will.
You know how we used to be scared of monsters grabbing our legs from under the bed?
Meet my cat.
Ladies, if you love zoos and meet a nice man who’s in charge of one, he’s a keeper.