Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[in HR]

We’re letting you go because you won’t stop referring to going to the bathroom as “live streaming”

me: I have a problem.

her: whatever it is, its OUR problem.

me: ok then WE just killed the neighbor.

ME: [pointing at grave] What about that one?
GRAVE-DIGGER: Yep, love it

Nothing in a household is said more lovingly than, “Can you bring me some toilet paper?”

14: (setting his alarm for 5am)

11: Why so early?

14: Because Mom is going to take a million first day of school pictures. And it’s going to take forever.

Me: That is correct.

A door was tried in court.

It was an open and shut case.

Based Erika

>Take medicine to prevent symptoms
>The symptoms don’t occur

Wow I can’t believe I didn’t even need to take the medicine

When I was a kid I assumed all Christmas songs were about Jesus because that was all I was exposed to so everytime I heard Last Christmas I was like…why would Jesus do that

Me: we can all get along and live in unity

Me 2 seconds later behind a couponer at the store: ok no we can’t

SECURITY GUARD: Sir, you can’t be here.
ME: But I AM here.
SECURITY: I understand that, but you can’t be in this area.
ME: I think I have definitely shown that is not true.

I try not to drink in the office because if the boss finds out he may ask me to share

I just finished an eye exam and the receptionist asked me if I’m free on this same date next year for a follow-up appointment. Dude, I walked in here wearing my wife’s glasses because the prescription is close & I ran out of contacts–do you think I know what I’m doing next year?

Autocorrect turned your lynch mob into a lunch mob? Maybe if you ate something you wouldn’t be so angry.

Inside you there are two wolves

Them: Farm animals don’t make good pets

Me: Hold my goat

My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.

Genius.

no refunds

I can’t stand fake people.

Unless you’re with me and we are faking that we are sober for a cop.

Then you need to be Oscar winning fake.

It’s like ten thousand tweets when all you need is a life.

i cannot say the word synonym without sounding drunk.

I’m running out of lies to tell in confessional but it’s the only place I can sit in silence away from my kids.

7: *walks into the house, holding $20 in one hand & keys in the other

Me: What kind of sales pitch did you use on your PaPa to get that?

7: I need $20 and your car keys.

My 4yo keeps calling me ‘young man’ and I corrected him by saying, ‘I’m not a young man, I’m an old woman.’ I feel like he set me up.

[at office Halloween party]

Me: *walks in*
Diane: *faints*
Boss: *drops wine glass*
Kyle: *winks*
Bob: Hey…your hospital gown is on backwards

It’s not so bad once you convince your kids that Santana is Christmas music.

me: [deadlifting 200 lbs]

mortician: sir

Her: If I get fat will you break up with me?
Me: No but you’re now just two more inane questions away from being buried in the garden.

Me: Is that a web tattoo on your elbow because you like Spider-Man?
Them: Naw, I killed 5 people
Me: so you don’t like Spider-Man?