Nurse: ‘Have you had any adverse reactions to vaccines previously?’
Me: ‘I understand I screamed a lot as a child.’
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[sitting in dentist’s chair]
Dentist: get out of my living room
Whenever I’m about to give a speech in front of an audience, I imagine myself naked.
Wait, what
If you wear a mask you look like a cool Mortal Kombat character and people will want to do sex to you
My husband knocks on our fishtank when the fish are chasing and biting each other. As if they’re gonna be like, “Shit, we better stop, Dad’s home.”
Me every time my old dentists office calls me to schedule an appointment not knowing I changed to a new dentist
babe what’s wrong you haven’t moved an inch in six months and you smell really bad
I put the dance in “Good riddance!”
[following girl off elevator] you cant hate snakes and then say u love dragons, because theyre actually extremely similar. in a lot of mytho
me: *nervously approaching printer* h-hey there little guy.. kinda in a rush to print something
my printer: *territorial printer noises*
Him: Wanna see my prison tats?
Her: Ooh ok I like bad boys
Him: This one *lifts shirt* is of Alcatraz. It was built in 1934 and closed in
Your outfit says you work in an office, but your shoes say it might have a pole in it
I was having a drink of coffee and didn’t see the pothole in the road, so that’s on me.
Telling someone “You are not alone” can be either extremely comforting or absolutely creepy depending on the context.
“snitches get stitches”
Me: *bleeding profusely* Hello, Cops? My brother stole Chapstick from CVS in 1997
I saw a bumper sticker that said “retired AF”
Not sure if he was Air Force, or just super retired
I changed my hubby’s name and pic to the Easter Bunny in my phone so my kid can text “him”
I freaked out later when EB was calling me.
Mensa should be contacting me any day now.
video game drill sergeant: alright you worthless puke! try using your WASD keys to walk around the room!
me: [walks around the room]
video game drill sergeant: that is out-standing! you’re one of the finest soldiers ive ever laid my eyes on!
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
In my 20s: I would never lie to my kids. They will be strong enough to see the world as it is.
In my 30s: That’s called Paw Patrol. They only have it at the barber. You can watch it again the next time you get a haircut.
God, creating dogs: make them smart
Angel: how smart
God: capable of saving lives but incapable of turning around if they walk around a tree with their leash on
For sale: Baby, won’t stop selling its shoes.
My wife asked me what new hairstyle she should get, so I held my breath until I passed out.
Everything’s free if you learn to mimic the beep of the self-checkout scanner
me: no need to cut it, it’s just for me
pizza guy: u sure?
When a relative asks me what I’m doing with my life, I tell more lies than a guy at a computer whose wife just asked him what he’s doing.
I was inept with girls in high school. Once I tried to unhook a bra strap and accidentally made a macramé plant hanger.
Hub: When was your first kiss
Me: July 4th 1978 I kissed Brent under the fireworks
Hub: Didn’t you have a frog named Brent
Me: I hate you
And bowling should be called pinball
Bruce Willis on a jetski, being pursued by a pug on a smaller jetski