Nurse: ‘Have you had any adverse reactions to vaccines previously?’
Me: ‘I understand I screamed a lot as a child.’
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baby dragon [lifting up a terrified medieval knight]: my dinner is cold
mommy dragon: just blow on it, dear
Tall people everywhere want you stop asking them if they play basketball:
I’d love for someone to play with my hair & tell me I’m pretty but his hand would get tangled in my hair and things would get weird… Fast.
Like certain sexual acts I’ve engaged in, I don’t want to think about how blue cheese is made.
It tastes good and that’s all that matters.
The monster under my bed sleeps with one leg out from under the blankets too.
Everyone’s AVI – Sorry. This is the absolute best I can look. I’m actually suspended upside down in this shot and I rented a wind machine.
I made up all these romantic scenarios in my brain and you’re not following the script, bro
peter parker: i’m broke i need a job
mary jane: well you invented web shooters, spider-tracers, web wings…
peter: yes! that’s it
mary jane: ya just patent your inventio-
peter: i’lll take pictures of myself and sell them to a newspaper
– Are you upset?
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
– No.
“We’ll see” is Parentese for “No.”
“Traaains”
– traveling zombies
Wait for it. (You won’t regret it).
Aries: Measure twice, cut once, and don’t leave any fingerprints.
Love the deli paper on the doctor’s table. Mmm I’m a sick little sandwich
*Joins sleep study to get a full night’s rest away from my kids*
The key to a clean house is dim lighting.
Get your employees to work harder by “accidentally” leaving articles on the printer about reducing staff.
3: I don’t want to read. I just want to sit here and be mad.
Me: Okay—
3: And bite people.
Donald be careful.
Donald watch out.
Donald look both ways.
Donald Duck!
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to xmen]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
20’s: I can’t remember where I left my keys
30’s: I can’t remember where I left my car
40’s: I can’t remember where I left my kids
It’s embarrassing when my wife pats me down for concealed chicken nuggets in front of our friends.
me: if i follow them, will i see their tweets?
Twitter: absolu-
Twitter algorithm: no.
I know it’s wrong to label people, but since I bought my label-maker it’s all I can think about.
88% of the lies parents tell their kids are that the store was out of the snack that they forgot to buy.
[playground]
Woman: which one is yours?
My wife: over there [points to team of firefighters cutting me from a tire swing]
I was jumping on the trampoline with my son and now my neighbour won’t stop mowing his lawn next to the fence
The ghost of the little girl who haunts my house was scary at first, but now she mainly just practises her french braids on us while we sleep. I don’t mind. I’m starting to get compliments from my coworkers. The dog has never looked more glam
I think if someone said they could read my mind, I’d be like “I am truly sorry!”
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.