Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Meanwhile, at School:
Teacher- “How much is a gram?”
Laure- “Depends on what you want”
Teacher- “Out, just get out”
#YouOwnedHimDude

A Viking in the midst of battle doesn’t have time to stop and cook dinner. WarDash™ brings your favorite meal right to your war.

There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people who proofread their Tweets, and the rest of us.

Netflix just asked me to rate ‘Spy Kids 2’ and I clicked “I haven’t seen it” but I have. I have seen it. A lot.

it’s may 17. what’s next? may 18? i didn’t sign up for this

Teens running from a party after the cops get called invented parkour

If your messages appear as “seen”, but there’s no reply, don’t worry. He probably fainted from all the excitement.

I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear

[after losing a rap battle]

me: I didn’t realize how much rhymed with jorts

Nepobaby? Why, yes, I am, my father was Prom and Homecoming King in a town of 300, I can still get a discount at the local Ace Hardware if Steve is working.

When I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume

If this doesn’t sum up England nothing will 😂😂 #snow #weather #uk

I learned my first lesson at ninja school today: Do not wear corduroy pants.

Good cop: you two could go away for six years each for this
Add cop: for a total of twelve years between you

Imagine meeting your doppelgänger and they can still eat cheese all day without repercussions

I’d run way more miles a day if someone holding a bagel was running in front of me and someone holding a spider was chasing after me.

King’s men: sorry your highness…we couldn’t put Humpty Dumpty back together again

King (drunk af): let the horses try

Adulthood – Pros: you can eat ice cream in bed. Cons: this will somehow make you sadder.

My wife has gifted me a bath bomb that looks suspiciously like a toaster.

Find a man who pays attention to what you say as much as Google ads does

Therapists only want one thing and frankly it’s discussing.

Whenever Im in trouble, I think, What would Jesus do?

Then I pretend to be dead and disappear for 3 days.

me [sliding my therapist 20$]: so what’s my problem, doctor?

therapist [loudly]: you’re just too good at sex, unbelievably good

hot ikea salesman: ok firstly you can’t do this here, secondly what

When she says she prefers the strong, silent type she means her vibrator.

me: i have test anxiety

classmate: it’s okay, jesus has answers

jesus: *descending from sky* the first three are all D

me: [leaning over, whispering] there’s a giant hole in this plot

him: that’s where the casket goes

not hearing back from people right away:

2002 – (two days later) They’re probably busy or out of town. I’ll catch up with them later.

2022 – (ten minutes later) ok clearly we are in a fight I didn’t know about

In my town we have little crime and lots of cops which makes me mad because all the good donuts are gone early in the morning.

[dog catches me bringing a box of fireworks in the house]
Me: Oh hey buddy, this isn’t what it looks like, okay.

You know what cats don’t like? Blow dryers.

You know what’s funny? Pointing your blow dryer at your cat.

Anyway, I lost an eye today.