Nurse: “Have you had any unexplained weight gain this past year?”
Me: “No, there are explanations.”
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Me: We will leave in a little bit
8: After you put your makeup on?
Me: I have my makeup on!
8: Oh *pause*…you look very pretty
IKEA is fine if you don’t mind assembling furniture in 18 steps and realizing you made a mistake in step 3.
🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀 oh sory about that we were just passing by
What do Me, Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny have in common? You guessed it: we’re all white.
Had to submit my CV for something and they asked why there was a three month gap between finishing school and starting university lol
Hubs: If you could sleep with…
Me: THOR!!!
Hubs: …the fan off tonight, that’d be great.
Me: Ohhhh…
What does $50 get you at the Chanel store?
13 seconds of eye contact.
RECEPTIONIST: And what’s the best way to reach you?
ME: Probably just standing really close to me. And then, like… *slowly stretches arm out*
A pizza falls into a wormhole and is transported to cavepeople times. A woman discovers and tastes it. “Needs mammoth.”
am i anxious? yes. but is that going to stop me from doing things i love? also yes
ME: I found a genie today
WIFE: that’s wonderful, I have some great ideas for wishes
ME: *looking at brand new unopened copies of Shrek 1, Shrek 2, and Shrek 3* I can’t wait to hear them
Tripped over the roomba, so I’m getting my revenge by pouring glitter everywhere.
Okay back to it and remember, you can’t say anger without saying grrrr
it’s so beautiful today i think i’ll take my ps5 outside
*hits joint*
ahhh yes this is more like it, now I have no idea what’s going on.
Smoking will kill you. Bacon is bad for you.
But smoking bacon will cure it.
My secret talent is pushing all your buttons and helping you discover new buttons you didn’t know you had.
OPTICIAN: Do you wear contacts?
ME: *showing my cell phone* No, I keep them on here.
just took 3 times my normal dose of adderall finally gonna get to the bottom of this whole amelia earhart thing
Might fornicate around and use a thesaurus
This is so embarrassing, what’s your name again?
– me, the first 30 times I meet everyone
I would’ve been terrible in 50 Shades because the second a guy said “I don’t do romance” I would laugh and be like NOBODY SAYS THAT BYE
Me: Where’s your water bottle?
3yo: I don’t know.
Me: Can you please go look for it?
3yo: *without moving or breaking eye contact* I can’t find it.
Whenever I want my son to visit I tell him our dog keeps going in his old bedroom trying to find him.
HEALTH OFFICIAL: one way to slow the spread of disease is to isolate yourself from people
ME: way ahead of you
my daddy woke me up at 7:30am to tell me the windows were down on my car so of course i thought there was another car for me outside💀 na i really left my windows down…
cat owners will hear their cat go “prrrp” in a certain tone and be like “oh one second my cat wants the heating pad turned on”
friend: I have a theory that the center of the Earth will cool and become solid
me: wow, that’s hardcore
What doesn’t kill you is just as disappointed as the rest of us.
Apparently, lifting your feet so she can reach underneath,
Is NOT considered “helping her vacuum.”
Lesson learned, fellas. Lesson learned.