Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A hacker called me and said he had all my passwords. I got a pen and paper and said ‘Thank God for that, what are they?’

I bought my son a book about bats and halfway through it he shouted out, “WHAT??? BATS ARE REAL?!?!” All this time he thought they were made up for Halloween like ghosts and witches

I know how to make her bite her lip, arch her back and curl her toes

Legos on the floor by her side of the bed

[hours after first date]

HER: *on phone* yeah i went on the date but he was creepy.

*i’m just sitting outside her bedroom window in shock*

I hate when people ask if my newborn is a “good baby” and I have to tell them that he cries a lot and about how he keeps robbing banks

[creating flamingos]

god: here’s your legs

flamingo: can I just have 1

god: no u have to use 2

flamingo: [narrows eyes & sucks teeth] we’ll see about that

“With all due respect is the polite version of ‘listen here you little shit’”

Foal me once, I have a baby horse. Foal me twice, no one needs this many baby horses. Foal me thrice, please stop. I have no room for them.

My kids: what are we having for…

ME: LEFTOVERS

Me: *travels back to 1980*
Me: *watches my parents bring me home after birth, tears up*
Me: *watches mom trip and drop me on my head*
Me: That actually explains a lot.

me: this is my horse, mayo

friend: why did you call him that?

mayo: [neighs]

The Kardashians is what happens when you feed a gremlin after midnight.

If you add up everyone murdered in BBC crime dramas, there are actually only 40 people still living in the UK

Don’t scream. I came to your house because you never responded to my DMs. Are you OK?

Kids: We are making you a Christmas gift!

Me: Oh, that is so sweet-

K: *pull out paint*

Me: You really don’t-

K: *pull out glue*

Me: Really, guys, I don’t need-

K: *pull out glitter*

Me: Christmas is cancelled.

Brit friend: Ugh. Brexit is a disaster. How are things over there?

Me: We”re in a ketchup war with Canada.

Person: how does writing work?

Writer: well you type & you delete. You rethink. Then you do 187 min of research & correct it. You reread & wonder if you have a grasp of English. Then you revise

Person: then you’re done with the book?

Writer: then you move to the next sentence

Dear Mario,
I wasted my childhood trying to save your girlfriend 🙂

“Feels nice on the ol’ bits, don’t it?”
“That it do, Clyde, that it do.”

*slides note across counter*

Cashier (whispers): No problem.

[over intercom system]

“THIS MAN NEEDS CUSTOMER ASSISTANCE WITH TAMPONS”

“Condominium” sounds like a safe sex spell you learn at Hogwarts.

I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?

If you made me mad in the 90s, I’d pickup up the landline while you were on the internet

Me: There aren’t enough hours in the day

Also me: Spends 15 minutes scrolling a comment section and taking a quiz to find out what kind of cheese I am

When people start a sentence with “believe it or not” I’m like wow, those are two very good options

me in a relationship:

Wow, the CIA making jokes on Twitter shows they’re just as human as any other bunch of guys who kidnap people and torture them in secret.

The holiday season is fast approaching. Let’s celebrate with the Happy Triangle Man. 💩

“Sexy role play.. I’ll be a dentist.”
“I’m here for my appointment”
“Did you book in with Karen first?”
“No?”
“Please leave, I’m very busy.”