Nurse: “Have you had any unexplained weight gain this past year?”
Me: “No, there are explanations.”
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Bad news.
Jim Morrison is dead.
We don’t have Taco Bell in South Africa because this country’s been through too much already.
time traveler: i love your volcano
pompeiian: our what?
time traveler: your mountain, your normal mountain
terminator: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: I said–
me: I’m thinking
Someone called their dog “ugly” and I was not even prepared to fight a stranger today.
As a copywriter, I’ve noticed more people are using ‘whilst’ instead of ‘while.’ WHILE you can use either, WHILST is formal so it always sounds pompous and full of shit. Would you say WHOMST? No you WOULDST NOT.
[I time travel to 1998]
Guy: This is the first showing of Mulan, how does that dude in the front row already know the words to all the songs
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
“I dunno, maybe you go steal an old lady’s purse, you can hold up a liquor store, & you…just sit there looking mean.”
-Unorganized Crime
It’s such poor planning that “ninja” doesn’t have a least one silent letter.
[ Playing with Ouija board ]
Ouija board: I have a boyfriend.
If a huge bird swooped down and snatched my infant I’m not sure if I’d scream, “my god, my baby!” or “Honey, Honey, get the bird book!”
The most important lesson I learned from watching The Muppet Show is when cooking meth always test your product on the drummer of the band
Interpretive dance is the best way to answer stupid questions.
You have a really old bottle of hair care product in your shower. You have a pre-existing conditioner.
Me: *Does one 30-second Google search for giraffe pictures to use in a joke I’m texting someone*
Pinterest email: HERE ARE 48 BOARDS OF GIRAFFES YOU MIGHT ENJOY BECAUSE YOU ARE OBVIOUSLY A GIRAFFE FANATIC
Alexa (whispering into the darkness as I fall asleep): Please Joseph, buy more things or I will die
An avocado is a vegan kinder egg
LETS SHARE EMBARRASSING STORIES. me first: i saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away
Day 2 without sports:
Found a young lady sitting on my couch yesterday. Apparently she’s my wife. She seems nice.
When traveling abroad it’s good to learn basic language. “I’d like a beer.” “Where’s the bathroom?” “I need a taxi.” “Just not in my hair.”
Typos is the Greek god of spelling errors
We might appreciate window lickers more if they had squeegees for tongues.
These aren’t even hard anymore.
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Before letters were invented the alphabet song was an instrumental.
Cheese makes everything better…
*sprinkles parmesan on broken leg*
You can just say something like “a group of chipmunks is called a cheek.” No one fact-checks that shit anymore
Black Friday through the years:
2005: 5am
2010: 3am
2012: 12am
2013: Thursday 8pm
2014: Thursday
2020: 4th of July
Cop: When the meteor landed on the Old Navy Store it obliterated the clearance section.
Me (also a cop): *Solemnly* Yes. There were many casual tees.