Nurse: “Have you had any unexplained weight gain this past year?”
Me: “No, there are explanations.”
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How can kids be so dumb and so brilliant at the same time? My son can’t say “oatmeal,” but he calls it “eatmeal” before I serve it and “atemeal” once he’s done.
Anarchy
Bruce Willis is talking to a parrot. “I’m Bruce Willis” he says. The parrot repeats it. “yeah right” Bruce says, but is secretly worried
Me: What are you doing in your pajamas still? 3 year old: Eating frosting. Me: Fair enough.
ME: please show me the posts in the order that they were made
COMPUTER: thats too hard. heres some tweets i think are good. Do you like this
Ran down the stairs without a bra on and my husband thought I was clapping. I was not. I was not clapping.
{commercial for Hallmark}
This Valentine’s Day, get her that piece of paper she always wanted with words on it.
Girls don’t want boys they want birds and squirrels and mice to help them get dressed for fancy balls.
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
Interviewer: This isn’t a glamorous position.
Me: I understand. I’m willing to do anything.I: We expect you to arrive before sunrise.
Me: No problem.I: Carry 50lb bags of grain.
Me: I’m your girl.I: Muck the stalls.
Me: Of course.I: Answer the phone —
Me: I’m out.
Perfume is designed to be an invisible accessory.
It’s not designed to instantly kill the canary when you entered the room.
*sees a racoon in the neighbor’s trash*
I won’t say anything if you don’t.
*continues rummaging*
just walked out of the grocery store and realized i parked like shit. an absolute garbage approach. i’m so embarrassed. i can’t be seen getting into this car. i’m running away. new life. just the clothes on my back and this cantaloupe
“Wow, this toilet is really uncomfortable…”
~Me drunk in the hot tub as my guests throw themselves out
Still my favorite headline of all time:
After 46 years of service, Voyager 1 has stopped communicating with Earth, even Voyager 1 has had enough of our f****** bullshit.
I hate it when I take a picture of myself and see 20 years of bad eating habits and no exercise
Being a mom means being the first one up in the morning, the last one to bed at night, and the only one drinking during church.
People are like plastic bags: Some are meant to fly, some have holes — but are still useful — and, well, others are full of dog shit.
When things are getting tough, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide in a cave for three days
Tequila should come with a label saying “this may cause you to pick trash off the interstate in an orange jumpsuit on the weekends.”
There wasn’t WiFi in the days of Julius or Augustus Caesar. Back then gladiators scrolling Twitter would routinely have to pay Roman charges.
Me: The house is a disaster. We all need to clean.
8-year-old: Who’s coming over?
Me: No one. We’re cleaning for us.
8: But we already know we live like this.
Me to fly that won’t leave me alone:
there are gross things in the trash – why are you coming after me?
Son: Are you eating pie for breakfast?
Me (eating pie): No. Fruit casserole. Want some?
Son: NO. I hate casserole.
Me (whispers): I know…
You dance so good girl. Hell yes. That looks great. You are a flower swaying with the wind. Do the running man.
-Alcohol
my immune system told me it’s a lover not a fighter
[being interrogated for my involvement in a bank heist]
COP 1: give us a name
ME: big bird
COP 2: a real name
ME: millard fillmore
COP 1: no you idiot, someone you know
ME: nana
Me: Who called you guys “Samsung security personnel” instead of “Guardians of the Galaxy?”
Raccoons (that I dressed as security guards): *bite me*
Got kicked out of reincarnation club for yelling yolo