Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“i wish dogs could talk” not me. i don’t want to hear my boy calling people every slur imaginable as they walk up to the house only to become their biggest stan the second they are actually inside. impossible to respect someone so two faced.

Me: I’m not delusional.

Squirrel: There she goes again.

“I don’t even own a book” – Medieval Hipster

Thank God for that one person who gets on the elevator and takes charge.

I don’t go to the circus. Not because I’m scared of clowns, but because I’m scared of people who go to the circus.

In high school, one of my friends was a mormon who wanted to have twins named Idaho and Udaho, and I think about that a lot

“What’s the worst that can happen?”

Buddy I’ve got anxiety, I’ll make you a list

My problem is that I always have really amazing bad ideas.

My Ex is so mean she would train homing pigeons and then move away…

Showerhead Self-Conscious About Single Jet That Sprays Sideways #OurAnnualYear2019

Marriage, Year one: I love watching you shave. You’re so cute!

Marriage, year ten: You leave whiskers in that sink one more time and I’ll drown you in it

God: Let’s give them the ability to feel remorse.

Satan: I like that. Say, from 2:00 – 4:00 AM?

My family’s invaded my house for the weekend.

As a side note my dog’s been walked 18 times

I have faith in unanswered prayers, unless I am stepping on the scale.

Me: I don’t feel well

Mom: Did you eat the plastic fruit again, Gigi?

Me: No

Mom: …

Me: …

Mom: …

Me: *throws up plastic banana*

Him: Why are you wrapping me up like a burrito & how did you find a tortilla this big?
Me: Shhh! This is my fantasy & burritos don’t talk.

If a bullet train doesn’t come out of a train gun I don’t want it

I used to be one of these chefs who always swore and shouted until I discovered oven mitts.

#ChefDay #RubbishJokes

All I want for Valentine’s day is a good night out with my boyfriend

My husband says I’ve got to go out with him! Rude

when certain foods on a menu have (gf) next to them, I know those are girlfriend foods. I cannot order them until I am a girlfriend. I must be patient

Oops I accidentally set the east coast to sepia

4 completely accepts that Santa Clause is real, but his mouth drops every time I remind him that his Grandma is my mom.

The U.S. Military is the most fearsome fighting force the world’s ever known. That we’re amassing thousands at the border to “repel” desperate women and children 100s of miles away is an insult – to those in uniform, to the intelligence of the American people, and to our values.

My kids have the tuition bills of the children of a much wealthier father.

If you’re renting, and your landlord has a no pets policy, you can keep bats as long as you pretend to be mad about it.

At the polling station. Bodes well for Labour – loads of young people here. Or I might possibly be at the wrong primary school.

The “it’s ok to use ‘disability’ as an insult as long as you’re not using it to insult a person with a physical handicap” logic. #facepalm

I don’t think “House” was the right name for that Hugh Laurie show. Based on what I saw, it should have been called “Hospital”