Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Her: It must be difficult raising a child on your own.

Me: *lifting kid up* Nah its easy, dummy.

Marital Law & Martial Law while look similar have very different meanings…

.. Except at my house.

Nerds were always ugly or goofy looking. Then from nowhere emerged the hot girl nerd and the limitations of Nerdom crumpled before our eyes.

ME: we have a problem, i’m out of beer

HER: it’s ok i don’t drink

ME: ok we have 2 problems

For once I’d like to get kicked INTO a bar

Please let me in.. 😂

Sound on

Welcome to your fifties…

AT 10PM WE SLEEP

AT DAWN WE PEE

when my wife is giving birth then the baby pops out and steals the hotdog i’m eating

When I was a kid: why do athletes retire in their 30s they’re still so young

Me in my 30s now: *trying to get up from a couch* yep ok

Wife: Who is the prettiest of my friends?
Me: your mother, why?
W: Stop acting like you’re 12.
M: (thinking) I dodged that bullet again.

My dog plays tug of war in a ‘keep it, you want it more than me’ fashion.

Guy I’m hooking up with: stop telling your friends about us

Me to my friends: anyway then he referred to us as “us”

If you’re not going to card me for wine, then don’t card me when I ask for a senior citizen discount.

One drink, I feel glamorous
Two, I get amorous
Three, a bit stammerous
Anymore than four, I’m on the floor,
all drooly and hammerous

Her: You’ll never guess what I did today.

Me: You’re right. *gets up, leaves the room*

How much longer?
Did you bring any snacks?
They want $5 for M&M’s!
I wanna go home
Is it over yet?

– me watching my kids Christmas pageant

To the person crowding me in the checkout line, do you want a hug .. ’cause if you get any closer, I’m gonna assume you do and give you one.

90% of my vocabulary is comprised of words I’m hoping you don’t realize I made up.

Well, time to go to bed & remember that I started and abandoned a huge organizing project that involved putting a bunch of stuff on the bed.

As we watched the sun set together my 3yo asked me what kind of pajamas the sun likes to wear to bed and that just might be the cutest question I’ve ever been asked.

Also the dumbest.

You aren’t supposed to strip during Zumba. Apparently.

scientist: this machine erases your bad memories instantly. any volunteers?

me: i’ll give it a go

scientist: but you were just here yesterday

me: i’ve made some bad life choices since then

I bet the best part of being in your 70s is you get to drive through buildings and people just say “oh he must’ve hit the gas instead of the brakes” and that’s it

Sharks: [losing teeth]

Tooth fairy: please stop

no one ever comes back

[being seated for blind date]

her: have you ever been on one of these before

me: yeah I love chairs

My parents told me I could be anything I wanted so I became unacceptable

me: i really messed up this time. we’re in deep with the cartel.

my wife: how much money do you owe pampered chef this time?

I couldn’t own a dog. The look of disappointment in its eyes when I throw a ball as far as I can and it lands right in front of me.

ME: my wife eats all the caramel corn and leaves the cheese
JUDGE: give this man full custody of the kids
ME: no wait they do the same thing