Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve been on twitter for almost 12 years, I remember when it all used to be farmland

Blue smoke – Boy
Pink smoke – Girl
White smoke – Pope

With sufficient velocity, any object can be an effective weapon. Unfortunately this kitten is not cooperating.

People are always saying “not today, Satan” but what if we just hear him out

Don’t buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery

Guys, I need a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.

My teen son complained that the house was too cold. I suggested that cleaning his room would warm him up. All of a sudden, he’s not cold.

The first matador

just found out Mr. Miyagi’s first name was Trent, I hate hollywood

I bought a new BMI smart scale so that I could have a technologically advanced and detailed reason to cry every morning.

girl on bumble: hey 🙂 ur cute but I noticed you didn’t include your height

me: yeah no need to add too much info!

girl: ok but how tall are you?

me: *struggling to type as I climb into my high chair* i don’t see why this is important

Caesar: You will be forced to fight to the death

Gladiator: Hell yeah

Madiator: well this is bullshit

[costume shop]

Me: I’d like a cloak, please.
Clerk: is plepsi ok?

People knock the internet but I’ve just discovered that Swindon Town is the only league football club in England or Scotland that doesn’t contain any letters that appear in the word mackerel.

AC just changed cole slaw to coke slaw so I’ll be busy looking for new recipes

or a new dealer. depends on the recipe I guess

For sale: Haunted bonnet, comes with robin egg. DO NOT SEPARATE THE BONNET AND THE EGG $5

WIFE: I wish you would drop this stupid genie act
HUSBAND: honey I already told you, you’re out of wishes

I accidentally went to Homesense today and accidentallier bought Christmas decorations

Overheard a woman telling another woman “It’s $150 and she supplies all the turtles” and whatever it is, I’m in.

me: my parents aren’t home

911: we can’t help you with your capri sun straw

41 years old and I find myself in the grip of an identity crisis. Do I became a hat guy or a shaved-head guy?

Me: *making toast at wedding*
Bride: hey those presents weren’t for you

start pet casino? explore legality

shit this isn’t my notes app

“We’re up all night to get Loki” -Daft Punk feat. The Avengers

“Kids, it’s time to choose, more berries or a bed to sleep in?”

“MORE BERRIES!”

ㅤ

When I was 8, I was so inspired by Barney Miller that I went door to door in a trenchcoat handing out JJ Piggs, Kid Detective, business cards I made out of scrap paper.

I must have written down the wrong number though because no one ever called me.

Coronavirus and Animal Crossing is like that one summer with Pokémon GO but like…..opposite.

*rolls out of bed*
*rolls into other strategically placed bed*
“Nice.”