Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my cat is wearing a cone & has learned to scoop up his food and let it slide into his mouth and it’s giving me serious ideas, folks

When I eat rotisserie chicken, I like to pretend that I’m performing an autopsy.

Just paid my bills, so don’t ask me to come out. I’m at home getting my money’s worth.

moo deng still has yet to endorse a candidate and that’s so telling wow

Chipotle server: Quackamole is extra
Me: lol, you said ‘quackamole’
Chipotle server [who is a duck]: Please don’t make fun of my quackcent

Me during the day: “I’ve learned not to worry about things I can’t control.”

Me at 3:42am: “What are the chances of surviving a medium-sized asteroid impact?”

Maybe the dog broke my wife’s vintage cranberry glass vase, she don’t know.

RIDDLER: What has–

BATMAN: A gazebo

ROBIN: Matches

RIDDLER: Let me finish-

BM: A paperweight

R: Dental floss

RIDDLER: I hate you guys

Kills Two mosquitoes with spray.

*writes DEADLY ASSASSIN in bio*

[The Cheesecake Factory]

*looking at menu*

Alan Rickman voice: Turn to page 394.

Today seems like as good a day as any to start drinking some of these 99 beers on the wall

Genie: And your second and third wish?
Me: [just killing it on banjo now that my fingers are slightly less fat than they used to be] No need

It’s an unspoken rule on garbage day that pajamaed neighbors pretend not to see each other.

My greatest fear about not having children is that I might miss out on certain life experiences, such as getting caught in a bitter custody battle

Curiosity gave the cat slightly high blood pressure but nothing to be concerned about.

Wife: [holding old dog] I thought you took care of this yesterday

Stormtrooper husband: *looks out back to see gun marks all over the yard*

[throwing out the baby]

Me: Oh shit, my bathwater!

[doctor’s office]

Nurse: Can you step on the scale?
Me: Of course.
Nurse: (waiting)
Me: You mean now? Oh hell no!

Shoutout to professions in fantasy stories that have ominous, threatening, badass names.
To hell with job like fighter or thief. You’re a HELLBLADE. What does that mean? Duh. It means you blade hells. If there is a hell, you will blade it. They will never understand your work

To combat the sibling rivalry that’s been occurring at home, we’ve been spending more time outdoors. So essentially they’re just taking it outside.

I gotta work tomorrow? like, my job??? I have had 17 straight days off you expect me to remember what it is I do for a living

[on Mars]
Curiosity Rover: *finds ancient cat remains* ohhh man I just know I’m gonna get blamed for this

I invited Alan over for dinner.
“Alan Jacobs? Or Alan who thinks he’s Captain America?”
*a badly painted bin lid smashes through the window*

One fun thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.

Wife: please don’t let our daughter dress herself anymore.

Me: oh. wow. ok.

Wife: what?

Me: nothing, it’s fine.

Wife: you dressed her this morning didn’t you?

*after sex, in a British accent

“Please sir, may I have some more?”

[standing outside the office with all the other smokers, I take out my cigar case, remove a hotdog and place it in my mouth] I’m trying to quit but it’s soooo hard

What’s the name of that drink? “The Will Smith”?

I bet Eve bit that apple because she knew she was going to get a bunch of clothes out of it.