Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The loudest noise a child can make from another room is silence

i was a competitive fencer in high school and spent 20+ hours a week training and many weekends at tournaments, which absolutely destroyed any chance of a social life. thats right. i can literally say “when you were partying, i studied the blade”

Sir. Your burrito is $5.97. With guacamole, your total comes to $386,932.32

SHUT UP. BEES CAN’T SPELL.

The Church used to teach that all babies that die go to Limbo, but it was easy for them because they’re so short.

No honey, there isn’t a neighbor working with a nail gun this early. That was just my knees creaking when I got out of bed.

As per my previous tablet…

No good ever comes from pulling on that tiny thread.

Dinner time:

*opens fridge & stares

*moves to cabinet & stares

*moves back to fridge & lowers standards

we went out to lunch with my father in law. jokingly he told 6 to order beer for a drink so when it was 6’s turn he yelled “BEER!” and the entire restaurant looked at us like we’re terrible people.

Cheerleaders are there to tell you that your team needs to score more points & the name of your team in case you forget at any given moment

I’m going to need to see a warrant before you look through any pictures on my phone besides the one I show you.

Indiana Jones and that one time he went to his actual job

“I Spy” is the easiest game to win at cause you can just keep being like “nope that’s not it”

Why I’m starting to hate Twitter…

There are two rules in life:

1. Never tell anyone everything.

*Britney Spears releases a new fragrance*

*the other dinner guests look embarrassed and pretend not to notice.*

The Beyond Meat COO was arrested for biting a man’s nose. Once again proving you just can’t beat the real thing.

I used to think girls were super nice to each other in bar washrooms until my friend came back from one thinking she should get bangs

if I was kate middleton I would tweet “they got me” and then log off

Period tracker: 196 days late

Me: *wears white pants

Period: I’m ready for my comeback

Fact: The human body is 59% water
Fact: Feta cheese is 59% water
Conclusion: The human body is feta cheese

A lot of people ask me “why do you lie about the high number of people asking you things?”

I just had a moment of clarity. Glad that’s over with.

When people’s driving tweets end mid sentence, did the paramedics find their phone and hit send?

That’s what I call a flat tire

(20s) ew this bar is full of old people let’s get out of here.

(50s) ew this bar is full of young people let’s get out of here.

My wife is a beautiful, kind & giving woman who also checks my TL.

I want to marry a man who is never on time so I can refer to him as my late husband

I went to school with a girl named
Nonstick CookingSpray

We tried calling her Pam …
but it didn’t stick.