Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

puting flowers in my hair to accentuate my dirt like quality

A Russian bomber was intercepted 20 miles from Los Angeles at 5:17am this morning, but no one wants to talk about it ’cause I made it up.

My teenage sons are basically the Stormtroopers of urination.

Every time I watch, “The Shining” I am overwhelmed by how sweet a gig he has.

i think my idea of romance stems from 1957, when men were men and women leaned seductively against juke boxes

Him You’re the reason I’m up at night

Me: Awww

Him: Please stop calling me at 2am

Stop asking dumb questions on the internet; ask for money.

[PHONE]
“TSA, How can I help you?”
Me: “Why did you guys put my frog on the No-Fly List?!”
Agent: “Umm…”
Me: “DAMMIT, HE’S STARVING!”

Like my grandma always says… put more booze in the mashed potatoes

Sorry, but your kids don’t look adorable when they lose their teeth, they look like tiny homeless people.

The jerk store called. *removes hat* I’m afraid there’s been an accident.

I can’t believe the gall of this bladder.

Army barbers get paid to shave their privates.

“Can we op..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”
“Can we ha..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”
“Can..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”

Christmas Day

“EAT EVERYTHING. NOW! IT’S GOING TO GO OUT OF DATE!”

“you can achieve anything if you put your mind to it”
*spends 3 hours trying to put cheese strings on a guitar*

Springsteen: baby we were born to run

Springsadult: let’s just take a cab

My trainer says more push ups, but I can’t find them in my size.

turtleneck: oooh cozy

mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY

It’s not summer until you put on your bikini and realize it probably wasn’t a good idea to eat 9,000 lbs of skittles, starbursts, and sour patch kids all year.

Buddhist Monk sees kid in Nirvana t-shirt:
“You like Nirvana? What’s your favorite step on the 8-fold Path?”
Kid: Nevermind
“Yeah, me, too.”

up next on house hunters: this couple finally decides to leave the hubbub of the big city to seek eternal serenity inside the heart of a dying star

My wife said “you really have no sense of direction do you?”. I said “where did that come from?” Happy turkey day

The one thing I miss about school is never doing my homework.

Agreeing to pick a friend up from the airport is nice until that time comes and you start thinking about if you really even need that person in your life anymore.

Please be aware that excessive smoke from your barbecue may cause your neighbour to throw snails into your garden every night for the next six months.

person walking by my house:

my dog: I’ve killed people for less

No autocorrect, I don’t want to bang a bunch of hot chimps.

ME: When Princess Leia kissed Luke, did you know they were brother and sister?

GEORGE LUCAS: *laying in bed* How did you even get in here?

As a man I’ll never know the what the pain of child birth feels like. But I’m guessing the pain of stubbing your toes has to be really close.